A Spiritual Dating Program

When I came to realize that I really did have a desire for married life, I had been practicing a 12-Step recovery program for many years. Those guidelines, based upon the Power of God and the simple ‘wisdom of the ages’ had already lifted me out of the abyss of alcohol and drugs, promiscuity, selfishness, isolation and despair. They had utterly changed my life.

As I approached the problem of marriage, I quickly recognized that I needed some serious help in this arena, too. In fact, by some standards, my chances of overcoming the baggage I was carrying around with me in order to marry happily and well did not look great. Yet, I knew from experience that nothing is impossible with God (Luke 1:37). He had already brought about profound changes in my life, just as long as I was willing to trust Him and put spiritual principles into vigorous action, holding nothing back. The ‘Big Book’ of Alcoholics Anonymous says that “spiritual principles would solve all of our problems,” and I believed it. So I began to inform myself of everything I didn’t know about dating, relationships and marriage. Combining this new practical information with the principles of my 12 Step program, which I was already practicing to the best of my ability, I began to consciously formulate my own ‘dating program,’ which I found to be workable and effective.

These are the key components of what I did. As I write this, I am noticing for the first time that all of these guidelines are indeed quite spiritual in nature, even though there are many important practical actions implied within each, which I will explain in more detail later. This spiritual action program, like the original 12 Step program that had saved my life years before, refers to God as the Source and End for everything I could want in life, including love, romance, friendship, marriage, sexual fulfillment, children, family life and a place within a loving community. As St. Matthew said, and the early founders of AA practiced: “Seek ye first the Kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added unto you” (6:33). Likewise, this personal dating program places God first, requiring me to conform myself to His will, ditch my self-centered fears, and practice radical honesty on a daily basis in order to be happy. 

I honestly did not set out to divide these keys into “12 steps,” but after I had written out most of them in bullet points, I could see that they just so happen to line up pretty closely—with some items being more specific to our present goal. This is by no means intended to be a perfect parallel to the original 12 Step program of recovery, or a replacement for it. There are many other ways these principles could have been written out; this is just one way of putting it. I hope it provides a useful guideline for you. The following is a general outline of what I actually did in order to become capable of being the wife and mother I am today:

1. I admitted that I was not where I wanted to be, and was fully willing to change in order to cooperate with God’s plans for me.
2. Made a decision to seek God’s will for me in marriage specifically; setting Holy Matrimony as my goal, so long as God approves it for my salvation, while embracing whatever personal sacrifices and efforts this path may require of me.
3. Took stock of myself honestly, asking God to reveal to me His ideal for my future spouse, sexuality and married life.
4. Identified, with God’s help, the sins, wounds, and falsehoods that might be blocking me from realizing this Godly ideal.
5. Asked God to help me surrender my self-destructive patterns and beliefs, and develop the necessary disposition to meet, attract, accept and love the person God may choose for me.
6. Strove to practice charity in my dealings with the opposite sex—charity which impelled me beyond the bounds of selfishness and fear which had always prevented me from forming a true partnership. 
7. Practiced rigorous honesty as I took constructive action towards my marriage goal; letting my ‘yes’ be yes and my ‘no’ be no.
8. Embraced contrition for my own mistakes; forgave those who wronged me, made direct amends wherever possible and helpful, confessed my sins as I discovered them, and repented of all unholy bonds, dependency or fear-based relationships, and obsessions in order to make room for a new experience.
9. Laid hold of every practical tool, method, resource and opportunity available to help move me toward my marriage goal, so long as it was compatible with my religious and moral convictions.
10. Examined each new failure or success in light of principles, taking notes, listening to good counsel, and adjusting my program as I went along.
11. Let God be my Director in all things, praying ardently for the grace to conform myself to His will, sharing my innermost desires with Him, and turning over the final outcome to His Fatherly care.
12. Continued to practice principles in all areas of life—sharing freely of what I was learning, humbly using my own experience as an example of what God can do—in order glorify Him, encourage my fellows, and stay committed and grateful on this path.

I encourage you to spend some time pondering these principles. Ask yourself what they really mean to you. Are there any that you have not honestly tried in your own life? Further on, I will articulate in detail the specific, practical actions implied here. I will explain exactly how I applied these principles in my own life in order to cooperate more effectively and fruitfully with God’s will.