Let’s face it: dating today, especially for Catholics and other people of traditional values, is going to require some wise use of the internet. I know, I know—internet dating is NOT your favorite idea. It’s not how you always imagined meeting your future spouse. It’s not your ‘style.’ You feel embarrassed at the prospect. Only nerds would do it that way. It’s too worldly. You’re not desperate enough to try it. I’ve heard all of it before, and I get it. But the fact is, if you want to get married, and you are avoiding using online dating sites as a tool in your tool belt, you are cutting yourself off at the feet.
The good news is, if you are open to using the internet as a part of your dating program, you’re in good company. There are many other good people who are serious about finding the right person to marry. Nearly all of them, in this day and age, signify their willingness to find someone by getting on one or more dating platforms and setting up their profiles. That’s just the way it is. And it’s a good thing, too. If you are new to dating, way out of practice, suffer from low confidence, or from wounds that need healing, a good profile on a few reputable internet dating sites can quickly put you in contact with others in your area who may be in the same boat.
This is crucial if you are a Catholic or otherwise religious, or hold to traditional moral values that are important to you. Unfortunately, in our present society, you are not likely to find someone who will share your values and faith in the general public. This is especially true in certain coastal cities where traditional values are rare indeed. You can save yourself a lot of trouble by limiting the pool to those who share your values, at least in general, and internet dating today, much like the match-makers and personal ads that predate it, allows for this.
There are other reasons that you probably need to use internet dating sites wisely and well. For one thing, you need to get into ACTION. If you are reading these pages, chances are you have been sitting on your hands for quite a while. Maybe you have no idea where to begin and feel scared and overwhelmed. Getting into action, with God’s grace to strengthen and direct you, is the best way to change your situation and increase your confidence in God. When you step out in faith, you are telling God that you are willing to do everything you can in this moment to cooperate with His plans for you. Setting up an online profile is one of the most basic, concrete steps you can take, immediately, to show yourself, God and others that you are willing to move toward the goal of marriage.
We are, unfortunately, living in a time of unprecedented social isolation. We already had the effect of unimaginable technology distracting us, and even blocking us from human interaction. Online transactions have reduced our day to day social contact with one another on a massive scale. And now, in the age of the Covid 19 crisis, we are pulling away from one another even more than ever, either by choice or by government fiat. In many places we can’t even show our faces to one another in public! This does not bode well for those who truly need to meet new people in order to move on to the next stage in life. Even though we must always search out every possible opportunity, we are much less likely than ever to meet anyone the old fashioned way at this moment in time. We can lament this (and I do) but we also need to fight against it, by using every tool at our disposal to get past it. This means not only an aggressive effort to jump on social opportunities that do come up, but also to use the online tools we have to make up for the lost social opportunities.
On top of this disturbing trend of social isolation, there is a lack of general knowledge and awareness of dating; what it is, what it’s for and how to do it. There is a lack of a ‘dating culture.’ That’s the reason for this website. You may realize by now that you need to date, but you are fast becoming aware that not too many people out there in the general public are thinking this way. Creating a simple profile enables you to enter a pool of people that really do wish to date, and are actively trying to figure it out, just like you.
And you may have other reasons on top of the aforementioned that make online matchmaking services or sites even more important. If you are getting on in age—let’s say, over 30, and have not found someone you are seriously moving toward marriage with, you need this resource. The fact is, the longer you remain single, the smaller the pool of other viable singles becomes. If you are in your mid 30s or beyond, you must have noticed this reality by now. You’re no spring chicken, sweetie pie (neither was I when I was still single!) and you have little time to spare. You are past the time in your life, say, college—where people are generally attractive, open minded, free, energetic, curious, uncommitted and surrounded by other single people who are about the same age. Back in your early twenties, it may have felt as if you drifted easily into attractions and relationships. Now, in your maturity, when most of your peers are already paired off, you have to really go looking for someone who is eligible and available.
Last but not least, you may have special circumstances that make connecting with others in the general public more of a challenge. You have a demanding job that requires you to keep long or unusual hours, travel frequently, or live in a distant place; perhaps you have children or other dependents that make dating more complicated for you. Internet dating sites are going to be critical in helping you get yourself in touch with the people that are able and willing to work around these special circumstances.
To sum up: you have a lot of reasons to make use of internet dating in order to work your dating program. In order to practice the skills and attitudes and qualities I needed to develop in order to become capable of marriage, I had to work with REAL people. I could not do this all in my head. I had to put the rubber to the road. So I chose several reputable dating sites and followed the best advice I could find on how to use them well. I will share some of these pointers here to help you get started.
What I Did
I had an extremely limited budget, yet I set aside some resources to put towards my marriage goal. Budgeting for books, coaching, classes, social hobbies, health and some decent clothes and beauty supplies was a high priority. Likewise, I subscribed to Catholic Match, Match.com, Christian Mingle and eHarmony. I also used free sites, namely Plenty of Fish and a few others that I can’t remember. I made a lot of interesting and informative dates through Plenty of Fish, one of the top free sites back then. I know several people who found their spouse through Ave Maria Singles, so I’m sure that’s also a good one.
Some sites are going to be more popular in your area, and have more traffic. This is important because while it’s a great idea to be open to move or travel a long way for your future spouse, you will also need to go on a lot of casual dates IN PERSON to stay active in your dating program. So you need to meet people in your area that are willing to grab a cup of coffee or take a walk. Often the free, popular sites are great for this purpose, in my experience.
As a warning though, it is also important to realize that on free sites you may see a lot of profiles of people that you probably don’t even want to deal with. Free dating sites are the bus terminals of the internet. Everybody uses them, and that means good people and also some creeps. All you have to do to not deal with creeps is block them if they happen to message you. Done. Also, creating a GOOD profile that makes it very clear WHY you are on the site will help ward off anyone who might be a total idiot, or just looking for some kind of hook-up or whatever. Still, if you are reasonably good-looking, or have a pulse, you will probably get a few unwanted or incoherent messages on a high traffic site. Delete or block that user and move on. That’s life in the big city.
Creating an Effective Online Profile
Just like applying for a job online, you’ll need to put a good amount of time and effort into creating an effective profile. Once you’ve compiled everything on one site, you can then cut and paste the same photos and written information into all your different accounts. I recommend using 3 or 4 different sites at the same time. The reason to use multiple sites is because you want to spread your net as broadly as possible. You may meet someone through a free site like Plenty of Fish, and not find anyone on Catholic Match for a while. Or find someone on eHarmony who seem interesting, while there’s nothing going on with Match.com. So in order to stay in ACTION, I kept multiple sites going, checking them and tweaking the profiles to get the best use out of each site. This is what I recommend.
My dating program goal was to go on 3 dates per week. And with multiple dating sites feeding me willing participants, I generally did. If that sounds like a lot, it isn’t. We’re talking about brief, one hour coffee meetings here. It’s not expensive, and it really doesn’t take much time. Compared to the benefits I gained, it was well worth the time. Each date, no matter what happened, was a valuable learning experience. The quickest way to get out of your rut (or your dating-phobia), is to do it often. So don’t freak out. Just get your profile uploaded so you can get going with this process, and I’ll help you. You can always email me if you need some extra help. Now, here are some of the keys that I followed in creating an effective profile.
Keep it simple
Yes, you need to put your best foot forward in your dating profile. But your profile is just a calling card, its not you. You are not going to be DATING online. You are simply flying your flag out there so that someone may contact you for a preliminary meeting. You must get this clear in your own mind so that you can insist on this approach even when others are not as sure as you are about what this tool is best used for.
Start with a good, RECENT picture of yourself. Do not show yourself in a sexy pose or revealing outfit. Be modest. Include bright, eye catching colors. SMILE. People who smile attract more friendly interest than people who look too somber. You want someone to feel like they can say ‘hello’ to you. This is the goal.
Do not add too many photos. Remember this is not a social media site. Yes, I know, many people use these platforms as social media for endless chatting and ‘window shopping’ and whatever, but not you. You are too busy doing God’s work for that. You are just using this as a service to make initial contact with someone so that you can then get offline and communicate with them in person. Your profile should be a hint as to the kind of person you are; not your whole life story. Your profile should say to people ‘you’ll just have to reach out if you want to know more.’ Yet, it should reveal enough about you to make it clear that you are a normal, decent, approachable person. So a few well-chosen pictures should suffice.
Keep it Real
A good rule of thumb is to show one good, RECENT headshot of you, smiling, of course. Some people may hire a photographer, but I never found that necessary. You may need a friend to help take some good shots of you if you aren’t already swimming in them. Beyond your head-shot, show one or two photos of you doing something you love to do. This can be you doing your favorite hobbies, or winning an award, or performing, or something like that. Also, include a photo or two of you with your friends, and at least one good shot of you with your family. These pictures show you at your best. They are not glamour shots or centerfolds. Make sure you are dressed modestly and the shots are flattering but do NOT misrepresent what you currently look like right now. Be real.
Keep it Positive
Next, write a very brief introductory statement, no more than a paragraph, describing yourself in positive terms. There is a lot of good information and advice about building an effective profile. Most of the more reputable paid sites will supply you with good advice, and you should avail yourself of that input. But I will say this: talk about yourself in your written profile. Talk about what is important to you in your life. Talk about your goals and aspirations; what inspires you.
You need to be honest about what you truly value, but it should not seem too imbalanced or heavy-handed. It should hint to the reader that you are a person of depth, but you are also fun to talk to; that you enjoy life and other people. You want your profile to represent, in a very brief way, the BEST version of you, your life and what you have to share—just as you would want to appear if you walked into a party where you didn’t really know anyone yet. It should give a positive first impression of who you are, what makes you happy, and what you value in life—with plenty of room for mystery.
Be Principled
Do not, I beg of you, start listing the exact qualities that you want in an ideal partner, as if you were ordering up a spouse on Amazon. I’ve seen some pretty tacky things along those lines. Even on classy sites. Even by smart, caring people who should know better. Moreover, talking about your preferences in the looks department is BEYOND tacky. Don’t do it. If you are tacky in your profile, you will only attract tacky people.
You are hoping to meet a number of different good, honest people that you might enjoy having a cup of coffee with. You are not looking to have your self-centered fantasies fulfilled. On the contrary, by actually dating a number of different real human beings, you may be able to break through whatever adolescent mindset you might have been previously saddled with, and begin to appreciate members of the opposite sex for their interior qualities. This is going to enable you to actually discern the real viability of someone as a marriage partner for you. Not their height, weight, eye color or even their age, in many instances. Remember, this is a spiritual dating program. The primary aim is growth and maturation, not wish fulfillment. So set your preferences accordingly.
More on Setting Up Preferences
This I will mention because I have been asked about it specifically. Most dating sites allow you to set up highly specific preferences for things like appearance, height, weight, age, religion, marital status, kids, location, even hobbies and interests. You have to make some choices here, and that’s a good thing. But for the purposes of your dating program, you’ll want to keep the parameters of who you are interested in meeting as open as possible. This approach to dating is not to ‘order up your perfect match,’ as I’ve said before. It is primarily about practicing your skills. It’s about getting used to the idea of dating, learning the ropes, and growing in your experience, understanding and effectiveness. Meeting and dating a number of different people is what we want here.
We all have our physical preferences and ideals, sure. However, for the purposes of this program, my advice is that you deliberately set up your preferences on an online dating site to be just a bit broader than you think you normally would. For example, even if you can’t imagine liking someone ten years older or younger than you, shoot for that age range anyway when creating your online profile. You aren’t going to die by sitting down to have a chat with someone who has a few more grey hairs than you, or who is a few inches shorter or taller. Remember the story of the Frog Prince? The original tale collected by the Brother’s Grimm? Go look it up if you’ve forgotten it. There is an important lesson there.
When I was a teenager, I never imagined how anyone could be attracted to a younger man. Now, I am married to a man who is 7 years my junior and has a baby face! Go figure. Perceptions change. YOU change. And other people change. More importantly, when you are serious about marriage, you will realize that you are looking to be joined with an actual person, rather than your ‘type’ or ‘ideal’. It could be that your ‘type’ is a rather useless idea that is blocking you from real happiness and connection. Physical appearance is only one of the factors that contribute to someone’s desirability as a marriage partner, and I’m here to tell you: these factors can and do change. So be open, at least for a cup of coffee, with someone who doesn’t fit your ideal.
More on Attraction
Personally, I liked my husband’s looks when I first met him. I thought he looked beautiful, although very slight compared to my larger frame, and way too young for me. He really was not particularly attracted to me at all at first–or so he says. Actually, his previous girlfriends had looked nothing like me, but that didn’t matter in the end. He grew to be physically attracted to me as we interacted with each other. It was the dynamic between us that created mutual attraction.
The rigorous standards for beauty we put on ourselves and others are often a hindrance to true connection. I have learned that even in romantic love, looks are secondary, at best. While attraction is important and there is a biological basis to it, an anxious preoccupation with looks is something we need to surrender to God. This mentality robs us of joy, and leaves us closed off to others, either because they don’t measure up to our ‘ideals’, or because we think WE don’t.
If this sounds like you, then this is EXACTLY why you need to get a profile together and get going on some casual dates. Three a week. Practice appreciating whatever you can possibly find in that other person to appreciate. I’ll talk more about attraction and physical appearance in depth later, because I think it’s a very important area for most of us to grow up about. For now, set your preferences as broadly as possible. Be curious and charitable.
Remember: you are NOT going to become sexually involved with anyone on a date. Dating is a time to meet and have a talk. It is not a sexual encounter or a hook-up. And for Catholics and other’s who follow Biblical morality, it should never come to that. So quit worrying about this issue too much. Surrender it and let God sort it out. Focus now on meeting and conversing with a lot of different people, and learn something new about yourself and others.
Faith and Morals : The One True Deal-Breaker
On the flip side, when it comes to faith and morals, these are the standards that DO have to stay very high, at least on my end. I have already discussed the pros and cons of dating outside of my own faith. I started off as broadly as I could, and had some lovely dates with non-Catholics. Some I became more involved with, and yet very quickly, the lack of shared faith became a deal-breaker, and I said, “no, thanks.” I learned through dating experience how important this one issue actually is for me. For the purposes of my dating program, I kept an open mind, and went out with anyone who was decent enough to ask, at least once. Yet, no matter who I went out with, I was sure to put my faith and moral values front and center, in a positive and non-hostile way, in order to make it clear, beyond the shadow of a doubt who I am, and what I stand for. If you are a practicing Catholic, or you follow traditional biblical morality, you need to make this crystal clear to everyone.
When you present yourself as a person of staunch faith and morals, people can draw their own conclusions from that about what you are looking for and what you are not looking for on a basic level. They will ask themselves whether they might be interested in meeting someone as religious as you are. Many will be thrilled to see that your faith is so important to you, because they are looking to meet someone like that! Others will be turned off. Good. This is the only quality that I recommend being uncompromising and totally in-your-face about. If someone is not even interested in meeting you because of how intensely Catholic you are, then that is not a good person to communicate with anyway. Everything else, as far as a simple coffee date goes, is negotiable.
Keep it Clean and Professional
You may want to get some help with this part from a trusted friend. Have someone look over your written profile for any major grammar or spelling mistakes. This will often turn off someone just because they have very little to go on, and bad writing makes people think you don’t care much, or you are less intelligent than you are. The standards you uphold with your profile will project a level of care and decency that will attract other caring, decent people, too.
I’ll go into the specifics of how to interact online (I have some definite guidelines) and what to do on these kinds of dates when you actually get them, in the next few articles. For now, take a deep breath, say a prayer, and sign up to several internet dating sites today. Remember, you can email me if you have any more specific questions or concerns. I’d be glad to hear from you.
Grow Up and Marry! 