When I came to realize that I really did have a desire for married life, I had been practicing a 12-Step recovery program for many years. Those guidelines, based upon the Power of God and the simple ‘wisdom of the ages’ had already lifted me out of the abyss of alcohol and drugs, promiscuity, selfishness, isolation and despair. They had utterly changed my life.
As I approached the problem of marriage, I quickly recognized that I needed some serious help in this arena, too. In fact, by some standards, my chances of overcoming the baggage I was carrying around with me in order to marry happily and well did not look great. Yet, I knew from experience that nothing is impossible with God (Luke 1:37). He had already brought about profound changes in my life, just as long as I was willing to trust Him and put spiritual principles into vigorous action, holding nothing back. The ‘Big Book’ of Alcoholics Anonymous says that “spiritual principles would solve all of our problems,” and I believed it. So I began to inform myself of everything I didn’t know about dating, relationships and marriage. Combining this new practical information with the principles of my 12 Step program, which I was already practicing to the best of my ability, I began to consciously formulate my own ‘dating program,’ which I found to be workable and effective.
These are the key components of what I did. As I write this, I am noticing for the first time that all of these guidelines are indeed quite spiritual in nature, even though there are many important practical actions implied within each, which I will explain in more detail later. This spiritual action program, like the original 12 Step program that had saved my life years before, refers to God as the Source and End for everything I could want in life, including love, romance, friendship, marriage, sexual fulfillment, children, family life and a place within a loving community. As St. Matthew said, and the early founders of AA practiced: “Seek ye first the Kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added unto you” (6:33). Likewise, this personal dating program places God first, requiring me to conform myself to His will, ditch my self-centered fears, and practice radical honesty on a daily basis in order to be happy.
I honestly did not set out to divide these keys into “12 steps,” but after I had written out most of them in bullet points, I could see that they just so happen to line up pretty closely—with some items being more specific to our present goal. This is by no means intended to be a perfect parallel to the original 12 Step program of recovery, or a replacement for it. There are many other ways these principles could have been written out; this is just one way of putting it. I hope it provides a useful guideline for you. The following is a general outline of what I actually did in order to become capable of being the wife and mother I am today:
I admitted that I was not where I wanted to be, and was fully willing to change in order to cooperate with God’s plans for me.
Made a decision to seek God’s will for me in marriage specifically; setting Holy Matrimony as my goal, so long as God approves it for my salvation, while embracing whatever personal sacrifices and efforts this path may require of me.
Took stock of myself honestly, asking God to reveal to me His ideal for my future spouse, sexuality and married life.
Identified, with God’s help, the sins, wounds, and falsehoods that might be blocking me from realizing this Godly ideal.
Asked God to help me surrender my self-destructive patterns and beliefs, and develop the necessary disposition to meet, attract, accept and love the person God may choose for me.
Strove to practice charity in my dealings with the opposite sex—charity which impelled me beyond the bounds of selfishness and fear which had always prevented me from forming a true partnership.
Practiced rigorous honesty as I took constructive action towards my marriage goal; letting my ‘yes’ be yes and my ‘no’ be no.
Embraced contrition for my own mistakes; forgave those who wronged me, made direct amends wherever possible and helpful, confessed my sins as I discovered them, and repented of all unholy bonds, dependency or fear-based relationships, and obsessions in order to make room for a new experience.
Laid hold of every practical tool, method, resource and opportunity available to help move me toward my marriage goal, so long as it was compatible with my religious and moral convictions.
Examined each new failure or success in light of principles, taking notes, listening to good counsel, and adjusting my program as I went along.
Let God be my Director in all things, praying ardently for the grace to conform myself to His will, sharing my innermost desires with Him, and turning over the final outcome to His Fatherly care.
Continued to practice principles in all areas of life—sharing freely of what I was learning, humbly using my own experience as an example of what God can do—in order glorify Him, encourage my fellows, and stay committed and grateful on this path.
I encourage you to spend some time pondering these principles. Ask yourself what they really mean to you. Are there any that you have not honestly tried in your own life? Further on, I will articulate in detail the specific, practical actions implied here. I will explain exactly how I applied these principles in my own life in order to cooperate more effectively and fruitfully with God’s will.
When I was in the throes of alcohol and substance abuse, I had no principles to speak of, other than a mantra borrowed from a Janis Joplin song: “get it while you can.” I had a deep spiritual longing, but all I knew were unsettling diabolical experiences, risky sexual and romantic encounters, ‘new-age’ superstitions, drunks and drug trips, and a threadbare childhood Catholicism that I had since discarded. Yet there was one bright, quiet place in the bewildering storm that was my life: drawing.
I had always had a passion for drawing and painting, and had worked hard at it throughout my young life. Even when it seemed there was nothing else for me, there was drawing. I believe it was an invisible thread that tied me to God, even though I didn’t realize it. The reason drawing was such a grace for me is that drawing, particularly drawing from observation, requires one to slow down, and look–ever so carefully–at what is really there. Even though I was delusional, dishonest, deceptive and deceived most of the time–I wasn’t while I was drawing.
Since I was a painting major, I had assignments every week. On a regular basis (provided I could temporarily sober-up enough to do it), I had to draw 10-20 hours to come up with work that wouldn’t absolutely embarrass me during the critiques. My favorite professor, Zhi Lin, was from China, and his tactic of harsh public scrutiny was highly motivating.
During those hours of intensive drawing, the dark mental clouds would part, and I would experience something like peace. This was the one activity in my life that put me in touch, intellectually and physically, withreality. Objects in space. The structure of things. Human anatomy. The principles of light. Form. Gravity. Empathy. Those things were the focus of my attention. Without realizing what I was doing, I submerged myself in the Mind of the Creator. Only while drawing, did I find the means to focus attentively, rationally, and with full concentration, on the nature of things; the spiraling musculature of a leg, the mountainous topography of a cloth, the cool impartiality of light falling across a surface. These complexities could only be realized by marking down facts with rigorous honesty, diligence and restraint.
I remember once looking up from my easel, tears streaming down my face. I was overwhelmed by the realization of how ordered it all was–even this chance arrangement of objects strewn around in my chaotic apartment–and how loving was that order. All the mess and mundanity and meanness was somehow designed…somehow, willed. It was inescapable.
Years later, as I was teaching and mentoring artists, I observed a similar effect on the minds of my students. Over time, and in subtle ways, I saw people become more emotionally stable, more mentally sound–more wise– as they made drawing an important part of their routine. I attribute this to the attentive observation of reality; certain attitude of appreciation, the judicious comparison of values, the pursuit of beauty in truth, and truth in beauty. For many of my students, drawing was as close a thing to prayer and mediation as they had ever come.
Drawing was a life-line for me. Still is sometimes. When I’m getting a little disoriented, my husband will ask, “have you done any drawing lately?” He knows. Whether you have any interest in trying it for yourself, I think it proves that Dr. Baars was right (see previous post). I cannot overstate the importance of regular, deep encounters with nature, behind which is God, patiently revealing Himself. I we want to conform ourselves to the Mind of God, we must pay attention to nature, and learn of Him through it. “Consider the lillies…” as our Lord said.
This includes looking carefully at our inner nature, too. We must be attentive to what passes through our interior landscape like weather passing through the sky. We must attend to the thoughts and feelings and images that come into our minds. We are responsible for what we do with them. How are we to handle them?
A Hedonist Tries to Meditate
This may seem like a long aside, but bear with me. It is impossible for me to separate my marriage vocation from my primary vocation: to know and do the will of God. This became the central fact of my life at each stage of my conversion, of which figuring out how to grow up and marry was the most recent. My story is pretty dramatic. Yours might not be, but I hope that the bold outlines I’m sketching here will help you see your own situation a little more clearly.
Just as I was reaping the rewards of observing the natural world during my drawing time, I was also becoming aware of an increasing discordance between how I was living, and the truths of nature. The most glaring problem was that I could not paint or draw well while drunk.
This fact became more and alarming and embarrassing, as my professors began to notice my erratic behavior and performance. Worst of all, I knew there was something wrong with me, but I did’t know what it was. Drunkenness and blackouts and humiliations and broken relationships and confusion and misery and terror were all symptoms, but what was the cause? I couldn’t see anything clearly.
I would spend hours in book stores looking for psychology, self-help and new-age spirituality books to try and figure out what was wrong with me. I would take a ‘break’ from drinking, only to reward myself by getting hammered. I met a lot of wacky ‘spiritual’ people and interviewed them constantly trying to find answers. At the end of the day, I would run back to my usual comforts.
My inner life was getting darker and darker. Somewhere, some lunatic I found intriguing had given me a book about Tibetan Buddhism. I entertained the idea out of curiosity. Some time later, at a festival in the desert, I had a terrifying hallucinogenic drug trip. I saw myself surrounded by lurid masks of falseness and deception. Everywhere I turned, demonic faces mocked me for being so foolish as to fall for these phony illusions. I saw that I, too, was a mask-wearer, a faker, a deceived deceiver. It was all a drug-induced, paranoid reaction of course, but I could never quite shake the suspicion that these accusations were based in reality. In vino, veritas.
Months later, I described my experience to an acquaintance who had been there at the time, and had seen me freaking-out. I told him what I was learning about Buddhism, too. This man had a degree in Eastern Philosophy from (the nominally Catholic) Seattle University. He was a large, somber and impressive fellow. He could have been an image of St. Thomas Aquinas, if he had been a Catholic. Perhaps he secretly was. After listening to my experience, he laconically advised me to stay away from Buddhism. I was too ‘Western’ for it, he said. I would have a bad fall.
I later ruminated on the Buddhist conception of hell, complete with levels of torment specific to one’s particular moral failings. I shuddered at the hell of the Hungry Ghosts, where the shades of intemperate men and women wander through a psychic wasteland after death, their bellies swollen with hunger and thirst, tormented by having mouths too small to receive any nourishment. I cooled off on the whole Buddhist thing, but that image stayed in my mind.
Around the same time, I found a book about the so-called ‘lost gospel of Mary Magdalene,’ which analyzed fragments of esoteric poetry about floating up to various ecstatic levels and talking to angels, etc. It was off-center, yes, but at least it was better than the Satanic Witch, which had been my favorite book a few years before. The Magdalene book, apocryphal as it was, started me thinking again about Christianity, if only in a sort of hazy, metaphorical way.
My Confirmation saint had been Mary Madelene. I remembered the traditional image of her, alone and naked in the wilderness, living a life of penitence and prayer, with nothing but ‘The Bread of Angels’ to sustain her. Like the Hungry Ghosts, The Magdalen was in the wilderness, too, yet she was not tormented by her hunger. Something did sustain her. She was lifted up to glory. She was rescued.
At that point, something began to pull me towards the notion of asceticism. I had a vague idea of what asceticism was from Catholic school. I knew it was far from the hedonistic life I had chosen for myself. Flashes of Siddhartha, which we had covered in my Jesuit high school curriculum, came back to me. I began to wonder if I could ever walk a nobler path.
Moved by the romantic image of The Magdalen, I quit drinking and drugs, this time for almost a month. I felt beautiful. The morning after I ordered one glass of wine at a poetry club, certain I could now drink like a lady, I woke up on the floor in some strange man’s apartment. All the spiritual books I’d been reading were flawed, but they contained bits of truth, and occasionally, these bits of truth rose up in me like bile. As I tumbled back out into the cacophony of the bars and nightclubs, inwardly, I ruminated on these things.
This continued on after graduation. When I got a job in a restaurant, things shifted a bit. The job was demanding and I could not be loaded at work. I could get loaded immediately after work (everyone else did), but not before my shift. I couldn’t even get stoned. It had taken me months to find any job at all, and I didn’t want to this one. So I resolved to delay my drinking just until after the shift, when I could step over to the bar next door, cash tips in hand. Those restaurant shifts afforded me a modicum of enforced sobriety several days of the week. The fact that the work was physical and I couldn’t smoke weed the way I did during school probably helped, too. It gave me just enough daylight to see more and more of what was going on.
Once, during those few months, an elderly Jesuit priest, Fr. Paul Fitterer, who had been the rector at my high school, came into the restaurant. He had helped me once when I was in my teens, and suffering from demonic affliction, which I had acquired through dabbling in the occult. His blessing hadn’t made the demons go away, since I wasn’t willing to repent from what I was doing. Yet, seeing him in the restaurant was a reminder of grace. Maybe he prayed for me that day.
Watching the Watcher
Somewhere in the miasma of that period, I got the notion to give meditation a try. The Christian tradition ofmeditation, or what we Catholics refer to as ‘mental prayer,’ was still far from my awareness. I didn’t want to become a Buddhist, yet as my inner conflict increased, the idea of seeking some means of detachment seemed intriguing.
I had a big, high-backed chair the corner in my studio apartment. Everyday, I would sit up in my chair with my feet on the floor and my hands in my lap, take a few deep breaths, and I would do this:
Watch my thoughts.
Thats it. I would watch my thoughts come and go like clouds rolling across the sky. I wouldn’t try to change them. I watched feelings and images go sailing by, too. I let them go. I resisted the urge to chase them. If emotions came up or if I cried, I would sit still, and let that happen, too. I focused on relaxing, breathing, and letting it go. This was simple, but not that easy. It took a lot of effort to let my thoughts and feelings pass through me without doing anything with them. As a result of trying to let my thoughts go by without clinging to them, I soon saw myself watching myself watching my thoughts.
I didn’t know it, but this is what has been labeled in the psychology world as metacognition. All jargon aside, this kind of thing has been going on for a long time. I think all wise people do this at some level, because watching our thoughts, without taking action, allows us to rise up out of our passions and look at ourselves at a distance.
It was as if learning to pause, and pay attention to what was happening inside, put a tiny bit of ‘space’ between my fears and appetites and the next action I might take. It allowed me to look at my thoughts objectively, to wonder if they were really accurate or not, or if they were really all that important. Rather than unconsciously reacting to every impulse, I slowly became aware of myself. I discovered that it is okay to feel various emotions, even unpleasantones, without trying to escape or evade them. I found out I could experience cravings, appetites and fears, without having to do anything to ‘fix’ them. Pretty soon, I found myself waiting several minutes before reaching for the next cigarette. Soon it was hours. Before long, tolerating inner discomfort long enough to actually break an addiction became a real possibility for me.
The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says “…we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day ‘Thy will be done.'” (pg 87)
Sitting in my chair a few minutes a day, watching my thoughts, delaying gratification, I was not far from embracing “Thy will be done.” I had not yet learned to pray, but I was at least learning to pause. It wasn’t long before I was using these times of inward observation to evaluate my thoughts and feelings, to wonder what was driving them. I started to visualize what it would look like if I were a different kind of person; the kind of person I secretly wanted to be. What would I wear? How would I carry myself? What would I be busy about? What would I do with my hands?
A Growing Awareness
Until I was able to step out of myself, or stand above myself and observe my thoughts, feelings and actions objectively, I could not develop the inner vision that I needed to put my life in order. I couldn’t even see what I really wanted in life, much less change my behavior to get there. Once I began to pause, turning an inner-eye on my heart, I began to see choices set before me. Choices for good or for ill. This was a revolution in awareness.
Am I recommending that you look to Buddhism for the key to your problems? Certainly not. Although the Buddhist tradition demands temperance, sobriety, self-control and other virtues to which all men should aspire, the goals of Buddhism and Christianity are diametrically opposed. The end-game for Buddhism is total detachment from all things, even the notion of God (which shows the subtle atheism that underlies Buddhist philosophy), and a final ascent to a state of perfect non-being, known as Nirvana. Last time I checked, the God of Christianity is the opposite of non-being: He is Being qua Being; He is our Father, who lovingly condescends to share His Being with us, if we will accept. Rather than the decidedly negative goal offered by Buddhism: to escape the fate of endless reincarnation and wearisome existence by seeking ultimate non-existence, our final reward as Christians is eternal life, experienced in divine intimacy with our Lord, a joy multiplied and reverberated within the Communion of Saints, our heavenly family. In other words, heaven is something like marriage and family life, yet magnified in goodness beyond compare.
Perhaps, had I not been baptized and raised in some kind of Catholic milieu, I would have been amenable to dismissing all thoughts and images that came to my mind as illusions, trusting only in the reality of an abyss of non-being at the end of the tunnel. For me, given the choice between Ultimate Being and ultimate non-being, Being wins every time. Once I started to make enough space inside myself to observe what was there, the Reality of my Creator began to appear in my heart like a Star in the darkness. I made a choice to follow that Star and I have never stopped.
What does all this have to do with attraction or dating?
What I’m talking about now are first principles. I am talking about awareness. What was needed before I could figure out how to grow up and marry, was a change of inner attitude. I had to drop the illusions and delusions that contradicted my God-given nature, and recover the true vision of my heart; the image placed there by my Creator; the blueprint for my own human flourishing.
For me, it wasn’t that I had no relationships with the opposite sex–I had many affairs. The problem was that I could never attract the kind of person that was really marriage minded–or actually appropriate for me. Because I lacked awareness, I could not see the truth about what I was doing to sabotage myself. I thought I was being honest, but I was usually driven by ideas and fears that weren’t grounded in reality.
Even when I had been sober for years, a practicing Catholic and committed to the virtue of chastity, I still kept creating relationships that were taking me away from my marriage goal, instead of towards it. I found myself doing what I did not want to do, dropping my standards, time and again, and getting wounded. I was working against my own nature. It took a deeper awareness for me to be able to reinvent my way of acting around men; to behave in a manner true to my authentic nature, to show what I truly wanted and valued in my heart; to be a woman. In a nutshell, that’s what my personal dating program was all about.
Getting Down to Earth
Men and women are different, so the suggestions I’m going to make in the rest of this series on attraction will be increasingly gender specific, with different advice for men and women. We must observe and appreciate the differences between men and women in order to apply the principles of attraction I am going to propose here. We will probably need to step outside of our comfort zones in putting these principles into practice. This is even more true if our prior beliefs about men and women have kept us isolated, defensive or avoidant. Yet, with practice, these tools will become second nature. Soon you will learn to handle each dating situation with grace and magnanimity.
Fair warning: will have to generalize in order to do this. If you are likely to be offended by talk of ‘men are like this’ and ‘women are like that’–well, we’re going to do a lot of it. I would suggest looking very carefully inside at why this feels like a problem for you. Where is this reaction coming from? Is it helpful to your goal of learning how to date or navigate relationships more effectively? Are you willing to set aside your ideas and try something different to see what happens? You may want to visit “Objections and the Set Aside Prayer” if you’re struggling with this.
The dating philosophy that made all the difference in my life, and what I have to share with you now, is built upon the fact that men and women are different, tend to think and act differently, and are bringing different gifts to the table. It also supposes that these differences are precisely what attract men and women together. It is our difference, our complimentary, that makes relationships between the sexes so dynamic and fruitful. As long as we neglect, reject or suppress these differences, we dull our ability to attract and feel attracted to the opposite sex. Yet, when we learn to appreciate these differences and work with them, we find a whole new world of male-female dynamics opening up.
This awareness is what made dating, for me, a fascinating adventure–not some kind of power struggle, or embarrassing exercise in rejection. Every date, whether I felt a particular attraction to the person or not, became ‘a walk in the park’ on so many levels. In harmony with what Dr. Baars suggests, I learned to treat each date as an occasion to observe nature, to see and appreciate reality, to practice awareness. This means awareness of the natural and spiritual principles at play on a date, awareness of the choices set before me in any given moment, awareness of qualities in the other person and in my environment; awareness of the fascinating dynamics that exist between men and women. Framed this way, dating became a means of discovery, growth and healing for me. Each date, even with the man who became my husband, was an experiment that I willingly chose to conduct. Each set of findings, carefully gathered in the light of faith, brought me closer and closer to the goal of marriage, and the realization of God’s plan within it. I’m going to show you how to do this yourself in the coming posts.
Your Inner Vision
Before we dive into the nuts and bolts (birds and bees?) of attraction, let me leave you with a little exercise. St. Thomas Aquinas said that in order for a person to understand something, or even to think about it, he must be able to picture it in his mind. Below, I describe a procedure to help you think deeply about your own particular problems with attraction, dating, marriage and the other issues we’ve been talking about.
Remember that the imagination can be deceived, so it’s important not to rush to judgement about dreams and visions and this sort of thing. Yet for me, investigating the information that comes into my heart (imagination/mind/emotional center), especially in relationship to prayer, has been one of the keys to my deliverance, recovery and transformation. I have found it critical at various times to invite God into my heart, and help me visualize a ‘heart picture’ about the things that I am trying to understand about myself and my situation. “Sometimes,” as Blaise Pascal said, “the heart has reason of which reason knows nothing.”
Another reason to use visualization is that it can help us perform a challenging or high-pressure task. That’s why Olympic skiers are often seen at the top of the hill with their eyes closed, mentally rehearsing the twists and turns they are about to take, as vividly as they can, before heading down the slope. As another example, I practiced hours upon hours of visualization to prepare for childbirth. And do you know what? It works. Have you ever tried this about dating? I did. A lot. Visualization is key for successful performance, problem solving, and achieving goals. Adding prayer to this, we ask God to inspire and direct our imagination, and strengthen us to do our best.
Directions for a ‘Heart-Picture’ Exercise
Sit up in a comfortable seat, rest your hands loosely on your lap, with feet on the ground, making sure your arms and legs are uncrossed. Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths and relax your body. Briefly begin in the usual way you would for mental prayer, i.e. ask God to be with you and bless this time of meditation, etc. Catholics will want to begin with the Sign of The Cross, and some familiar prayers, such as an Our Father, Hail Mary and Glory Be.
Now prepare to look into your heart, as if you were looking through a window to the inside of yourself, to the innermost chamber, where only you and God can see. In the Presence of God, ask yourself any one of the following questions. Let yourself picture the answer in your heart as vividly as possible:
+What would it look like for me to attract (and feel attracted to) the opposite sex, while remaining chaste and virtuous? How would I carry myself? How would I dress? How would I speak?
+What would it look like if I were the kind of person who is successful in dating? Who enjoys going on lots of dates?
+What would it look like to be honest and vulnerable on a date?
+What would it look like to practice spiritual principles on a date?
+What would it look like to genuinely enjoy a date with someone, even if I am not particularly attracted to that person?How would the date end?
+What would it look like to be on a date with someone I feel extremely attracted to, without dropping any of my moral principles? How would the date end?
Ask whatever other questions come to mind. Use your imagination to place yourself in various situations as you examine these questions. It’s like making a little movie out of each. You are looking for a positive, best-case scenario.
You might at first see things in a negative light because of something you’re worried about, or just because this has been your habit. It might even be that you have some ‘rules’ you have unconsciously made up about yourself or other people that force you to ‘fail’ in your own mind whenever you think about dating. This is the perfect opportunity to catch these ‘rules’ and replace them with more constructive ideas. Ask God to help you re-imagine the situation with a positive outcome, with you at your very best, and with spiritual principles in mind.
Notice how you look in your mind’s eye. How does your self-image change, as you adjust the scene to be more and more positive? Do you have to mentally change something about how you dress or speak, or stand, in order to make the scene work out for the better? Take note of these things. See what you observe, without rushing to judgement about it. Have a conversation with God about what you see in your heart.
Close by offering God thanks and any good resolutions that arise. Write about what you observed in your journal. You can also talk it over with a trusted friend, or spiritual director if you have one.
I have no authority to direct anyone in prayer. I have simply tried to outline here the kinds of tools that helped me in my own journey to marriage. As a rule, never go it alone in spiritual matters. Always seek counsel from the proper spiritual authority in your life.
When I was a little girl, I often compared myself to my older brother. It was hard not to do this. He was seven years older than myself, therefore he was smarter, bigger, funnier, more confident and more capable than I was–an ‘annoying’ little sister trailing behind him.
Sometimes, after being kicked out of that secret society where boyish talk and Nintendo games dazzled the eye and mind, I would sink into a bog of resentment, alone in my room. I would wish, spitefully, that I was a boy, like my brother. Then maybe I would be big and strong and capable like he was. Maybe then I wouldn’t be so alone.
One time, after I had slipped into this resentful attitude, I noticed what I can now recognize as a higher level of thought arise out of my little 7-year-old consciousness. Instead of focusing on the feeling that I would rather be a boy, and how unfair it was that I was not a boy, this thought occurred to me instead: would it REALLY be better to be a boy? Is that really true? Which is better? Being a boy or being a girl?If I could magically become a boy right now, would I honestly want to? Setting aside my angst, my little rational self began to take over and ask a serious question. It didn’t take too long to come up with an answer.
I can still remember what I pictured in my mind. I was looking down at a drawing I had recently made: on one side, there was The Princess. She was adorned with glory: a long, elegant gown, jewels, a crown, high-heeled shoes, red lips, and flowing hair. Her body contained hints of the mysterious biological finery that God himself grants in some share to all women, after the image of Eve, the pinnacle of creation. She was fascinating.
On the other side, there was The Prince. Although I liked the idea of him, and definitely wanted him in the picture, I couldn’t demonstrate anything particularly interesting about him through drawing. His clothes were drab, undecorated and dark. His figure, from what I could understand of it, was plain, boxy and undefined. I could barely maintain any interest in picturing him, with what little I understood of his anatomy. He was a place holder for something I longed to know in the far distant future. I could feel a longing for that otherness–but it wasn’t me.
After a few moments reflection, I smiled to myself. I had reached my conclusion: “Being a girl is best, because I can wear dresses and have long hair and be beautiful. If I were a boy, I could not wear dresses. I would have to wear pants all the time, and have short hair. That would be boring. Therefore, I am glad that I am a girl.”
And with that thought, the question was resolved. Occasionally, whenever the question arose again, or I felt envious of my brother, I would remind myself of these facts. I would think of The Princess, and remember that she is lovely, and loved by ‘The Prince’. It may have been a childish thought, but was it really misguided? I had called to mind what was, to me, the noblest archetype of womanhood, gazed upon it, and realized the privilege of being able to grow into that image. It wasn’t until my conversion to Catholicism at 28 years old, that I realized who The Princess of my heart really is, and where her eternal beauty comes from. But it was a good start.
Discord with Nature
I’m not sure exactly why I am telling this story now. Maybe it’s because there is such unprecedented confusion today about sex, gender and the nature of man and woman. One of the most troubling manifestations of this confusion is the phenomenon of people feeling unhappy about their own sex; discomfited by the fact that they are a man or a woman.
This goes by many names today. “Gender dysphoria” is the latest DSM label. Recently, I’ve heard that “gender discord” is a term some people prefer, at least in the Catholic world. Whatever you call it, it’s something that needs our attention, especially now that the “trans” ideology is being promoted so avidly by the controllers of mass culture, technology and media messaging. One has to wonder what these people have planned for us down the road. In order to for the ideological revolutionaries to re-engineer society, they must first destroy the institutions that have been holding things together for thousands of years. And they haven’t wasted any time. “You can’t make an omelette without breaking some eggs,” as the Marxist saying goes. Well, egg-breaking is exactly what this programming is doing to us. Think about it.
If we are to be free from this psychological manipulation, we have to recognize these messages for what they are: they are ‘self-destruct’ messages. We have to compare the messages that come from “the world, the flesh and the devil,” with what God says about us and our nature, and choose God’s word instead. It’s not easy, but we need to do it.
The political approach here may be new, but the human weaknesses the social engineers are playing upon are nothing new. I think most of us can relate to being disappointed with some unchangeable aspect of our selves or our circumstances. It’s quite normal to have questions or insecurities about the meaning of ‘male’ and ‘female’ as we grow up; comparing self to others, trying to understand the world. Normally this passes, but for some, misguided beliefs may linger. Fed by destructive messages from mass culture and revolutionary ideology, and often magnified by painful life experiences, bad ideas become a habitual pattern of thinking, feeling and acting.
Now, if there ever was a ploy from the devil to keep us in bondage, it’s the the idea that something as basic to my make up as my sex, whether male or female, is in some way not acceptable, and I should negate it. This is very bad idea. It has to be countered with the truth. The truth is this:
God made me a woman. He is very happy that I am a woman. I must strive to be a good woman.
And for men:
God made me a man. He is very happy that I am a man. I must strive to be a good man.
Aside from this latest symptom of the spiritual condition of our age, distorted beliefs about men and women in general are affecting all of us, even those of us who otherwise hold to an orthodox faith. It is my opinion that bad ideas about the nature of the sexes account for much of the present discouragement and failure in dating, courtship and marriage.
It’s in the air we breathe. If we have had any exposure to the strains of modern culture through school, media and even from our own parents and family members, we have probably acquired some of this programming. Without realizing it, we are slowly replacing the wisdom of God with a kind of legalistic, pseudo-morality based on the materialistic idea that all human interactions come down to a power struggle; a war between the oppressor and the oppressed; the haves and the have nots; the victimizers and the victims.
We accept slogans like “girls can do anything boys can do, better” as if it were some kind of necessary retaliation against boys and men, without realizing how vacuous and spiteful it really is. Or, we believe in bizarre legal constructs like: “If I ask a woman out on a date, or otherwise show interest in her, and she doesn’t like me, I am guilty of sexual harassment, which is a crime.” Or, equally poisonous: “If go out on a date with a man, he will expect sex. Therefore, dating is dangerous and a bad idea.” We “believe all women” as if to say that women never lie, misrepresent or even misinterpret events, while “toxic masculinity” shows that men are intrinsically bad and hurtful unless they work against their own nature, and act the way feminists say they should act.
We buy into these beliefs at our own peril. We believe lies and are then bound by unrealistic and counterproductive expectations. We inflict such bonds upon ourselves and the opposite sex; always seeing relations between men and women through the lens of oppressed and oppressor. I think just about everyone today, with rare exceptions, has to overcome this programming on some level.
Although I didn’t suffer from what they call ‘gender dysphoria’ as such (perhaps my childhood reflection on The Princess archetype was a gift that nipped this temptation in the bud), I did buy into distorted views about men, women and relationships that caused me a great deal of heartache as I went through life. These distortions eventually had to be purged by the grace of God and the light of reason in order for me to finally grow up and marry. I’ve had to uncover lies and accept the truth about myself, God, and others at progressively deeper levels throughout my Christian conversion. The lived experience of being a wife and a mother continues to peel back the layers of distortion. The grace of the Sacrament of Matrimony continues to set these things aright in my soul. Talking and praying through my fears and misconceptions with my husband is also source of grace. Yet, these were the questions that arose for me in the beginning, when I was just embarking on the journey towards marriage:
How am I to be a woman? How am I to be a good woman? How am I to be the woman God desires me to be?
For men: How am I to be a man? How am I to be a good man? How am I to be the man God desires me to be?
Now, the first question is figurative. Obviously, I am a woman, regardless of how I think or act. There’s nothing I can do to change that. Yet the question is important because it implies the issue of growing up. Being a woman implies being a grown-up, mature version of myself. That’s what we really mean when we say: “be a man!” or “be a woman!” We really mean: “grow up!” If I act and think like that grumpy, self-centered, disappointed child who felt left out of the boys’ games, and therefore resented being female and envied the boys of their maleness, is that being a woman? No. It is a childish pattern of thinking. It may be perfectly normal and forgivable for a child to think that way, yet quite destructive for an adult.
Getting Back on the Path
One of the most powerful things I did begin to correct these problems in myself was to ask God to set them right in my heart. More specifically, in prayer, I asked the Blessed Virgin Mary to show me how to be a woman. I asked her to guide me in her ways, and teach me how to become a good woman, a wife and a mother. I did this repeatedly in prayer, and often when passing a statue or image of Mary, because after years of bad programming and bad experiences, I really had no clue. If you are a single woman, I strongly encourage you, if you have not already adopted this practice, to do so. To imitate Mary is to model oneself after the greatest woman who ever lived. It is to imitate Christ in a specifically feminine way.
And for men: St. Joseph is the model of masculinity and manhood. He is the Terror of Demons and the Guardian of the Virgin. He is the man God Himself selected to act as His own earthly father. The fact of Joseph’s purity demonstrates that God’s idea of fatherhood is a spiritual matter; a matter of giving, guiding, providing and protecting. Often men need to be spiritually fathered so they themselves can become real men, not just ‘sperm donors,’ or perpetual boys. If you have’t already, consider a personal consecration to St. Joseph. Ask him to teach you how to be a man, a good man, and the man God wants you to be.
Let me be clear, I personally still struggle with certain obsessive thoughts, and an anxiety problem that gets in my way at times. I’m a work-in-progress. No one is saying that you should be able to switch life-long thinking patterns on and off like a light switch. Sometimes these things are stuck deep. However, God grants grace to those who seek it, and I never want to put limits on what God can do to bring about a massive change of life. He has done that for me in such a big way, I can’t complain about having a few little mental thorns in my side.
Yet, even if we can’t change some things, it is so important to recognize the things we can change, and there is much for us to do in this area. If you are experiencing some form of gender discord or unhappiness with your sex, or you have some distorted beliefs about men and women in general, it may be the thing that has been blocking you from cooperating with God’s plans for you. This problem could block you forever, but it doesn’t have to. Why should we accept beliefs about ourselves or others, especially if they cost us so much, without first checking them against the Word of God? The answers are there, if we want them.
God is powerful. While we can’t always change our circumstances, we are responsible for how we respond to them. We are not victims. “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear: but of power, and of love, and of sobriety.” (2 Timothy 1:7) The more we conform ourselves to the mind of God, our Father and Creator, the less confused and stuck we will be. The more we pay attention to what Our Father thinks, and what He is like, and what he intends for us, the more we will think like Him, and be like Him. “The disciple is not above his master: but every one shall be perfect, if he be as his master.” (Luke 6:40)
Paying Attention to Nature
Yes, we are all far from perfect, but we are not meant to stay as we are. We are here to heal, grow, mature, and become ready for heaven. Those of us who are called to marriage, as a means of service to God and eternal salvation, may have some serious healing and formation to do. How do we then become properly formed as men and women? How do we conform ourselves more and more to the mind of God who created us and has a plan for our flourishing and our fulfillment? One of the best ways I’ve found, besides spending time with God in prayer, meditation on the Scriptures, and reading other relevant literature, is to pay attention to nature. To pay attention to nature implies many things.
On one level, it suggests that we slow down and look, carefully and objectively, at what is going on around us. It means that in the presence of God, I observe and appreciate what is happening in this exact moment, both inside of myself and outside of myself. I do this with an attitude of acceptance and trust. God is with me, in me and all around me, as I look. I look to notice what is there, not to rush to any value judgement or to reject anything. I accept that I understand very little, so I am teachable. “I am meek and humble of heart.” (Mt 11:29) I set aside the wordy, analytical, critical, reactive part of my mind, and just watch. I observe things around me, and notice their qualities. Remembering that I am a creature and God is my Creator; I am his child, and He is my Father: what is He communicating to me, right at this moment, through His creation?
Dr. Conrad Baars, perhaps one of the first Catholic psychiatrists, survived a term in a Nazi death camp, later to apply Thomistic philosophy to help patients who suffered from various emotional disturbances. One would surmise that he recovered from his own traumatic experiences by applying the principles he outlined in one of his popular books, namely Feeling and Healing Your Emotions. In it, he recommends that we learn to come into right relationship with our emotions as a horse and rider. We should not deny, punish or exasperate our emotional nature like an immature, selfish rider that cruelly scourges and neglects his horse, nor should we let go of the reigns and let unrestrained emotions carry us away to destruction. Dr. Baars compares the emotionally integrated person to the ideal of a sleek, well-exercised, powerful horse (the emotions), in the care and guidance of the mature, responsible rider (the intellect). When the two act in unison, with the power of the emotions at the service of the intellect, and the intellect taking care of and guiding the emotions, there is a far greater joy and adventure to be had, than if the two are at odds with each other.
One of the practical suggestions Dr. Baars gives to help bring about healing is to increase our contact with the beauty and order of nature. He even suggests that we change careers, jobs or living conditions, to enable us to simplify our lives and to be in contact with the goodness of nature and with spiritual goodness as much as possible. He recommends a daily intake of natural beauty; frequent walks in park or countryside; surrounding oneself with beautiful and excellent artwork; listening to classical or sacred music; reading great literature and poetry; and eliminating as much of the discordant, unnatural, and ugly from our lives as we reasonably can. He suggests that learning to appreciate the beauty and order of nature, with its mirror in art, music and literature, can help us heal. Careful observation of the logos of nature can bring our minds into accord with the mind of God, the Author of all that is good, true and beautiful.
If we want to really know what God thinks, we must look carefully at what He does. The antidote to lies and delusions is reality. Reality is God’s masterpiece. He is even now, holding this moment of realty in existence. This, what is right now, is His will. Therefore, every moment is an opportunity to pay attention, and to behold the mind of our Creator and Father. How sad that we forget what a treasure we have in every moment that we can stop and pay attention to nature. I believe the saints find ways to remember this and collect this treasure more often than the rest of us.
In the next article, I will talk more about the power of paying attention to nature, how it helped me get back on the path to life, and how this all relates to our present concern about attraction, dating, relationships and marriage.
Its been a while since I’ve written anything here–we’ve been extremely busy house hunting and on top of that, I’ve been feeling queasy and fatigued due to early pregnancy with our 3rd child. (Yes! I am about 10 weeks pregnant as I write this!) However, now that I’ve been getting some good feedback from people who are quite interested in these topics, I thought I’d take some time to get to this important aspect of what we’re talking about: attraction.
Attraction is something that is necessary for marriage today. Gone are the days of arranged Christian marriages, when families might select a mate for their children based on the economic and political advantages of the union–regardless of wether the two betrothed felt personally attracted to each other. This arrangement had its advantages. As the sagacious Professor Jospeh Cambell remarked in his classic PBS interview with Bill Moyers, there was a great deal of family love involved in arranged marriages, and that family love, more than the modern notion of ‘romantic love’ was what brought people together. Let’s not throw that notion away entirely, because the idea of family love and its altruistic aspirations is still a key part of what makes Christian marriage work today. In fact, I’d say it supersedes romantic attraction in due course. In the end, family love is all there is, and, as a precursor to the Beatific Vision, is the entire point and purpose of Christian marriage.
For the moment, though, let’s focus on the fact that without a culture of arranged marriages, we are in the position of having to cultivate attraction first, in order to bring a suitable mate into our lives, and to motivate one another to move toward marriage–at least to move beyond the first date. While there are obviously some drawbacks to this (modesty and chastity has to be all the more carefully guarded), I also think attraction is important, and learning to cultivate it is good. Natural attractions are indicators of certain biological realities that really need to be present in order to for marriage to be possible and fruitful.
Attraction has much to do with biology, but because we are not merely physical beings, attraction operates on the emotional, psychological and spiritual levels, too. All four categories have to be working somewhat in order for attraction to be present, and attraction must be present in some degree to build a stable and fruitful marriage.
As I unpack this topic, I want to focus first on the physical part, because while I think this area is obsessed-over in the secular world (always assuming a sexual relationship between partners outside of marriage), the mysteries of physical attraction are not talked about much in the Catholic world. (Barring the JPII’s Theology-of-the-Body-derived stuff out there that personally, I never really went for. I have nothing against TOB particularly. I know some traditionalists do. Maybe it just seemed too theoretical for what I really needed at the time. At any rate I seemed to have figured out a few things without getting into TOB.)
The lack of practical dating advice for adult Catholics is perhaps due to concerns over modesty, which are well-founded, but I think there is guidance to be shared about cultivating natural attractions between men and women that can be discussed appropriately. These things need to be discussed, too, because so many people are suffering from ignorance of the simple ways of nature, and without good guidance from within the family, they are turning to the world to fill the void. I would so much rather have an open and frank discussion about these realities, and thus encourage a marriage culture amongst ourselves, rather than have people go running off to “Cosmo” and Hollywood, all the other corrupting sources of information out there that are bound to cause harm.
First of all, let’s get this strait: there is a difference between seduction and attraction. Seduction is the deliberate leading of a person into sin. We can’t do it. If you notice yourself doing it (oh boy, did I struggle with this one)–stop itimmediately.
If you are like me, you may need to cultivate chastity and modesty at the same time that you are learning about attraction. Seeing the difference between the two might be an important step to seeing what it is we are talking about here, and why what you have always done or believed about men and women in the past has failed to lead you to your goal of marriage and family life. Again, seduction is sinful and self-destructive. It’s about manipulating and controlling others through sexual values. If you are using seduction, even if you are not actually having sex with anyone, you will ultimately suffer from pride, fear, loneliness and alienation. You will have lust, but not love. You’ll be left with nothing, because lust drives out love.
Perhaps your main problem with dating and marriage in general has to do with confusion in this area. It certainly did for me. If, when you look at your own attitudes and behaviors honestly, you find that lust (seduction, fantasy, romantic obsession, pornography) is a serious problem for you, you may need extra help with it. Sexaholics Anonymous is 12-step fellowship and program based on AA, that has helped many people straiten out their lives in this area, and is entirely compatible with Catholic teaching on marriage and sexuality.
It may be, as well, that while you don’t have much of a lust problem yourself, you have been injured by someone else’s lust problem. Perhaps that fact has distorted your thinking and perceptions, especially about men and women and everything pertaining to relations between the sexes. I also fit that category, and there is help for this problem, too. Prayer, confession, spiritual reading, holy friendships, spiritual direction, Sacraments, therapy, and 12-step recovery all helped me heal and change over time. Whether lust (yours or someone else’s) is a big problem for you, or a little one, you should at least make a good examination of conscience about these matters, take whatever sins you uncover to a priest in Confession, and receive God’s mercy and healing.
One thing that also helped me tremendously was practicing a new way of acting and thinking around the opposite sex, by going on dates. Maybe it was a form of penance; maybe it was a kind of therapy, but going on dates with men where I practiced charity and made space for natural, normal attractions to appear, actually helped me heal. Dating was where the rubber hit the road for me. I was no longer just reading and talking to a therapist and praying to have my defects removed, I was learning to act differently in real-world situations. Taking different, new and sometimes uncomfortable actions in real life eventually led me to the alter with a real human being.
To sum up, attraction, is a good, natural, God-given process that when combined with the use of reason and application of virtue, can lead to Holy Marriage. In the next few articles, I will share with you some tools I practiced to help cultivate healthy, normal attractions with the opposite sex. These are skills that, practiced with godly intentions, helped me bring out the best in the men I came into contact with (including my husband), and discover how I really felt about each of them. Practicing these habits gave me information about myself and others which was important for my discernment. It also helped me to heal my heart and express who I really am. I will also share some of the challenges I had in this area, and obstacles that my husband and I were able to overcome by the grace of God.
Let’s face it: dating today, especially for Catholics and other people of traditional values, is going to require some wise use of the internet. I know, I know—internet dating is NOT your favorite idea. It’s not how you always imagined meeting your future spouse. It’s not your ‘style.’ You feel embarrassed at the prospect. Only nerds would do it that way. It’s too worldly. You’re not desperate enough to try it. I’ve heard all of it before, and I get it. But the fact is, if you want to get married, and you are avoiding using online dating sites as a tool in your tool belt, you are cutting yourself off at the feet.
The good news is, if you are open to using the internet as a part of your dating program, you’re in good company. There are many other good people who are serious about finding the right person to marry. Nearly all of them, in this day and age, signify their willingness to find someone by getting on one or more dating platforms and setting up their profiles. That’s just the way it is. And it’s a good thing, too. If you are new to dating, way out of practice, suffer from low confidence, or from wounds that need healing, a good profile on a few reputable internet dating sites can quickly put you in contact with others in your area who may be in the same boat.
This is crucial if you are a Catholic or otherwise religious, or hold to traditional moral values that are important to you. Unfortunately, in our present society, you are not likely to find someone who will share your values and faith in the general public. This is especially true in certain coastal cities where traditional values are rare indeed. You can save yourself a lot of trouble by limiting the pool to those who share your values, at least in general, and internet dating today, much like the match-makers and personal ads that predate it, allows for this.
There are other reasons that you probably need to use internet dating sites wisely and well. For one thing, you need to get into ACTION. If you are reading these pages, chances are you have been sitting on your hands for quite a while. Maybe you have no idea where to begin and feel scared and overwhelmed. Getting into action, with God’s grace to strengthen and direct you, is the best way to change your situation and increase your confidence in God. When you step out in faith, you are telling God that you are willing to do everything you can in this moment to cooperate with His plans for you. Setting up an online profile is one of the most basic, concrete steps you can take, immediately, to show yourself, God and others that you are willing to move toward the goal of marriage.
We are, unfortunately, living in a time of unprecedented social isolation. We already had the effect of unimaginable technology distracting us, and even blocking us from human interaction. Online transactions have reduced our day to day social contact with one another on a massive scale. And now, in the age of the Covid 19 crisis, we are pulling away from one another even more than ever, either by choice or by government fiat. In many places we can’t even show our faces to one another in public! This does not bode well for those who truly need to meet new people in order to move on to the next stage in life. Even though we must always search out every possible opportunity, we are much less likely than ever to meet anyone the old fashioned way at this moment in time. We can lament this (and I do) but we also need to fight against it, by using every tool at our disposal to get past it. This means not only an aggressive effort to jump on social opportunities that do come up, but also to use the online tools we have to make up for the lost social opportunities.
On top of this disturbing trend of social isolation, there is a lack of general knowledge and awareness of dating; what it is, what it’s for and how to do it. There is a lack of a ‘dating culture.’ That’s the reason for this website. You may realize by now that you need to date, but you are fast becoming aware that not too many people out there in the general public are thinking this way. Creating a simple profile enables you to enter a pool of people that really do wish to date, and are actively trying to figure it out, just like you.
And you may have other reasons on top of the aforementioned that make online matchmaking services or sites even more important. If you are getting on in age—let’s say, over 30, and have not found someone you are seriously moving toward marriage with, you need this resource. The fact is, the longer you remain single, the smaller the pool of other viable singles becomes. If you are in your mid 30s or beyond, you must have noticed this reality by now. You’re no spring chicken, sweetie pie (neither was I when I was still single!) and you have little time to spare. You are past the time in your life, say, college—where people are generally attractive, open minded, free, energetic, curious, uncommitted and surrounded by other single people who are about the same age. Back in your early twenties, it may have felt as if you drifted easily into attractions and relationships. Now, in your maturity, when most of your peers are already paired off, you have to really go looking for someone who is eligible and available.
Last but not least, you may have special circumstances that make connecting with others in the general public more of a challenge. You have a demanding job that requires you to keep long or unusual hours, travel frequently, or live in a distant place; perhaps you have children or other dependents that make dating more complicated for you. Internet dating sites are going to be critical in helping you get yourself in touch with the people that are able and willing to work around these special circumstances.
To sum up: you have a lot of reasons to make use of internet dating in order to work your dating program. In order to practice the skills and attitudes and qualities I needed to develop in order to become capable of marriage, I had to work with REAL people. I could not do this all in my head. I had to put the rubber to the road. So I chose several reputable dating sites and followed the best advice I could find on how to use them well. I will share some of these pointers here to help you get started.
What I Did
I had an extremely limited budget, yet I set aside some resources to put towards my marriage goal. Budgeting for books, coaching, classes, social hobbies, health and some decent clothes and beauty supplies was a high priority. Likewise, I subscribed to Catholic Match, Match.com, Christian Mingle and eHarmony. I also used free sites, namely Plenty of Fish and a few others that I can’t remember. I made a lot of interesting and informative dates through Plenty of Fish, one of the top free sites back then. I know several people who found their spouse through Ave Maria Singles, so I’m sure that’s also a good one.
Some sites are going to be more popular in your area, and have more traffic. This is important because while it’s a great idea to be open to move or travel a long way for your future spouse, you will also need to go on a lot of casual dates IN PERSON to stay active in your dating program. So you need to meet people in your area that are willing to grab a cup of coffee or take a walk. Often the free, popular sites are great for this purpose, in my experience.
As a warning though, it is also important to realize that on free sites you may see a lot of profiles of people that you probably don’t even want to deal with. Free dating sites are the bus terminals of the internet. Everybody uses them, and that means good people and also some creeps. All you have to do to not deal with creeps is block them if they happen to message you. Done. Also, creating a GOOD profile that makes it very clear WHY you are on the site will help ward off anyone who might be a total idiot, or just looking for some kind of hook-up or whatever. Still, if you are reasonably good-looking, or have a pulse, you will probably get a few unwanted or incoherent messages on a high traffic site. Delete or block that user and move on. That’s life in the big city.
Creating an Effective Online Profile
Just like applying for a job online, you’ll need to put a good amount of time and effort into creating an effective profile. Once you’ve compiled everything on one site, you can then cut and paste the same photos and written information into all your different accounts. I recommend using 3 or 4 different sites at the same time. The reason to use multiple sites is because you want to spread your net as broadly as possible. You may meet someone through a free site like Plenty of Fish, and not find anyone on Catholic Match for a while. Or find someone on eHarmony who seem interesting, while there’s nothing going on with Match.com. So in order to stay in ACTION, I kept multiple sites going, checking them and tweaking the profiles to get the best use out of each site. This is what I recommend.
My dating program goal was to go on 3 dates per week. And with multiple dating sites feeding me willing participants, I generally did. If that sounds like a lot, it isn’t. We’re talking about brief, one hour coffee meetings here. It’s not expensive, and it really doesn’t take much time. Compared to the benefits I gained, it was well worth the time. Each date, no matter what happened, was a valuable learning experience. The quickest way to get out of your rut (or your dating-phobia), is to do it often. So don’t freak out. Just get your profile uploaded so you can get going with this process, and I’ll help you. You can always email me if you need some extra help. Now, here are some of the keys that I followed in creating an effective profile.
Keep it simple
Yes, you need to put your best foot forward in your dating profile. But your profile is just a calling card, its not you. You are not going to be DATING online. You are simply flying your flag out there so that someone may contact you for a preliminary meeting. You must get this clear in your own mind so that you can insist on this approach even when others are not as sure as you are about what this tool is best used for.
Start with a good, RECENT picture of yourself. Do not show yourself in a sexy pose or revealing outfit. Be modest. Include bright, eye catching colors. SMILE. People who smile attract more friendly interest than people who look too somber. You want someone to feel like they can say ‘hello’ to you. This is the goal.
Do not add too many photos. Remember this is not a social media site. Yes, I know, many people use these platforms as social media for endless chatting and ‘window shopping’ and whatever, but not you. You are too busy doing God’s work for that. You are just using this as a service to make initial contact with someone so that you can then get offline and communicate with them in person. Your profile should be a hint as to the kind of person you are; not your whole life story. Your profile should say to people ‘you’ll just have to reach out if you want to know more.’ Yet, it should reveal enough about you to make it clear that you are a normal, decent, approachable person. So a few well-chosen pictures should suffice.
Keep it Real
A good rule of thumb is to show one good, RECENT headshot of you, smiling, of course. Some people may hire a photographer, but I never found that necessary. You may need a friend to help take some good shots of you if you aren’t already swimming in them. Beyond your head-shot, show one or two photos of you doing something you love to do. This can be you doing your favorite hobbies, or winning an award, or performing, or something like that. Also, include a photo or two of you with your friends, and at least one good shot of you with your family. These pictures show you at your best. They are not glamour shots or centerfolds. Make sure you are dressed modestly and the shots are flattering but do NOT misrepresent what you currently look like right now. Be real.
Keep it Positive
Next, write a very brief introductory statement, no more than a paragraph, describing yourself in positive terms. There is a lot of good information and advice about building an effective profile. Most of the more reputable paid sites will supply you with good advice, and you should avail yourself of that input. But I will say this: talk about yourself in your written profile. Talk about what is important to you in your life. Talk about your goals and aspirations; what inspires you.
You need to be honest about what you truly value, but it should not seem too imbalanced or heavy-handed. It should hint to the reader that you are a person of depth, but you are also fun to talk to; that you enjoy life and other people. You want your profile to represent, in a very brief way, the BEST version of you, your life and what you have to share—just as you would want to appear if you walked into a party where you didn’t really know anyone yet. It should give a positive first impression of who you are, what makes you happy, and what you value in life—with plenty of room for mystery.
Be Principled
Do not, I beg of you, start listing the exact qualities that you want in an ideal partner, as if you were ordering up a spouse on Amazon. I’ve seen some pretty tacky things along those lines. Even on classy sites. Even by smart, caring people who should know better. Moreover, talking about your preferences in the looks department is BEYOND tacky. Don’t do it. If you are tacky in your profile, you will only attract tacky people.
You are hoping to meet a number of different good, honest people that you might enjoy having a cup of coffee with. You are not looking to have your self-centered fantasies fulfilled. On the contrary, by actually dating a number of different real human beings, you may be able to break through whatever adolescent mindset you might have been previously saddled with, and begin to appreciate members of the opposite sex for their interior qualities. This is going to enable you to actually discern the real viability of someone as a marriage partner for you. Not their height, weight, eye color or even their age, in many instances. Remember, this is a spiritual dating program. The primary aim is growth and maturation, not wish fulfillment. So set your preferences accordingly.
More on Setting Up Preferences
This I will mention because I have been asked about it specifically. Most dating sites allow you to set up highly specific preferences for things like appearance, height, weight, age, religion, marital status, kids, location, even hobbies and interests. You have to make some choices here, and that’s a good thing. But for the purposes of your dating program, you’ll want to keep the parameters of who you are interested in meeting as open as possible. This approach to dating is not to ‘order up your perfect match,’ as I’ve said before. It is primarily about practicing your skills. It’s about getting used to the idea of dating, learning the ropes, and growing in your experience, understanding and effectiveness. Meeting and dating a number of different people is what we want here.
We all have our physical preferences and ideals, sure. However, for the purposes of this program, my advice is that you deliberately set up your preferences on an online dating site to be just a bit broader than you think you normally would. For example, even if you can’t imagine liking someone ten years older or younger than you, shoot for that age range anyway when creating your online profile. You aren’t going to die by sitting down to have a chat with someone who has a few more grey hairs than you, or who is a few inches shorter or taller. Remember the story of the Frog Prince? The original tale collected by the Brother’s Grimm? Go look it up if you’ve forgotten it. There is an important lesson there.
When I was a teenager, I never imagined how anyone could be attracted to a younger man. Now, I am married to a man who is 7 years my junior and has a baby face! Go figure. Perceptions change. YOU change. And other people change. More importantly, when you are serious about marriage, you will realize that you are looking to be joined with an actual person, rather than your ‘type’ or ‘ideal’. It could be that your ‘type’ is a rather useless idea that is blocking you from real happiness and connection. Physical appearance is only one of the factors that contribute to someone’s desirability as a marriage partner, and I’m here to tell you: these factors can and do change. So be open, at least for a cup of coffee, with someone who doesn’t fit your ideal.
More on Attraction
Personally, I liked my husband’s looks when I first met him. I thought he looked beautiful, although very slight compared to my larger frame, and way too young for me. He really was not particularly attracted to me at all at first–or so he says. Actually, his previous girlfriends had looked nothing like me, but that didn’t matter in the end. He grew to be physically attracted to me as we interacted with each other. It was the dynamic between us that created mutual attraction.
The rigorous standards for beauty we put on ourselves and others are often a hindrance to true connection. I have learned that even in romantic love, looks are secondary, at best. While attraction is important and there is a biological basis to it, an anxious preoccupation with looks is something we need to surrender to God. This mentality robs us of joy, and leaves us closed off to others, either because they don’t measure up to our ‘ideals’, or because we think WE don’t.
If this sounds like you, then this is EXACTLY why you need to get a profile together and get going on some casual dates. Three a week. Practice appreciating whatever you can possibly find in that other person to appreciate. I’ll talk more about attraction and physical appearance in depth later, because I think it’s a very important area for most of us to grow up about. For now, set your preferences as broadly as possible. Be curious and charitable.
Remember: you are NOT going to become sexually involved with anyone on a date. Dating is a time to meet and have a talk. It is not a sexual encounter or a hook-up. And for Catholics and other’s who follow Biblical morality, it should never come to that. So quit worrying about this issue too much. Surrender it and let God sort it out. Focus now on meeting and conversing with a lot of different people, and learn something new about yourself and others.
Faith and Morals : The One True Deal-Breaker
On the flip side, when it comes to faith and morals, these are the standards that DO have to stay very high, at least on my end. I have already discussed the pros and cons of dating outside of my own faith. I started off as broadly as I could, and had some lovely dates with non-Catholics. Some I became more involved with, and yet very quickly, the lack of shared faith became a deal-breaker, and I said, “no, thanks.” I learned through dating experience how important this one issue actually is for me. For the purposes of my dating program, I kept an open mind, and went out with anyone who was decent enough to ask, at least once. Yet, no matter who I went out with, I was sure to put my faith and moral values front and center, in a positive and non-hostile way, in order to make it clear, beyond the shadow of a doubt who I am, and what I stand for. If you are a practicing Catholic, or you follow traditional biblical morality, you need to make this crystal clear to everyone.
When you present yourself as a person of staunch faith and morals, people can draw their own conclusions from that about what you are looking for and what you are not looking for on a basic level. They will ask themselves whether they might be interested in meeting someone as religious as you are. Many will be thrilled to see that your faith is so important to you, because they are looking to meet someone like that! Others will be turned off. Good. This is the only quality that I recommend being uncompromising and totally in-your-face about. If someone is not even interested in meeting you because of how intensely Catholic you are, then that is not a good person to communicate with anyway. Everything else, as far as a simple coffee date goes, is negotiable.
Keep it Clean and Professional
You may want to get some help with this part from a trusted friend. Have someone look over your written profile for any major grammar or spelling mistakes. This will often turn off someone just because they have very little to go on, and bad writing makes people think you don’t care much, or you are less intelligent than you are. The standards you uphold with your profile will project a level of care and decency that will attract other caring, decent people, too.
I’ll go into the specifics of how to interact online (I have some definite guidelines) and what to do on these kinds of dates when you actually get them, in the next few articles. For now, take a deep breath, say a prayer, and sign up to several internet dating sites today. Remember, you can email me if you have any more specific questions or concerns. I’d be glad to hear from you.
Recently, my husband and I were having dinner with another married couple we know. These two are devout, traditional Catholics. Although they have their share of hardship—neither one of them is perfect nor is their relationship perfect—it’s plain to see they love each other, and God, very much indeed.
As our husbands were talking in the kitchen, and my babies played on the floor, I sat down with the lady of the house and told her about this writing project I’m doing—”Grow Up and Marry.” She was thrilled, and agreed that far too many men and women of faith were just not finding each other and not getting married. We discussed how this is a perplexing problem for individuals and society, too. Not to mention the Catholic Church—which desperately needs to raise up a new generation of priests and religious to lift us out of this period of darkness and confusion we’re all going through on so many levels. Faithful Catholics around the globe are praying for priestly vocations, bombarding heaven for holy priests, bishops and also brothers and religious women, yet, how can that happen unless men and women of faith find each other, marry, and form faithful Catholic families? The wellspring of holy vocations, the source of new priests, brothers, nuns, and religious sisters is the christian home, afterall. Our future Bishops will arise from the willingness of a man and woman to come together in Holy Matrimony, love each other, and raise their children in the faith. What will become of us if Christian marriage falls out of fashion?
A Model for Success
As we talked my lovely friend turned to her experience with dating, marriage and discernment. She told me that she herself had some trouble figuring this stuff out at first, because for a long time she was certain she had a religious vocation. In fact, she said she’d spent four years actively pursuing religious life: praying the daily office, visiting convents, working with a vocation director. She even waited for her Bishop’s permission to create a new order, which to her deep disappointment, was finally denied to her. She said when these doors to religious life kept closing, she took it really hard, because she believed that consecrated religious life was the best way for her to be truly holy, and give everything to God.
I asked her what changed her mind about marriage. I mean, since she was so enthusiastic about becoming a sister, how did she end up getting on the path to marriage? My friend said it was her vocation director who triggered the idea in her mind. One day, while she was having a meeting with her, she simply said: “why don’t you try dating?”
The suggestion startled her. Having spent years in active pursuit of poverty, chastity and obedience, with none other than Jesus as her Betrothed, she had never seriously thought about looking around for a mere man to love. Her director related to her the observation that upon this novel suggestion her face had “lit up.” This momentary lightening of her countenance hinted to my friend that she indeed had some kind of desire for married life, deep in her heart. Yet the idea had always stood in conflict with her presuppositions about what she had to do in order to fully give herself to God.
Her director pointed out thatif she truly had a vocation to marriage, she would probably become more holy through being married than she would be if she were to become a nun. That reasoning satisfied her enough to give dating a try.
My friend told me she’s the kind of person who puts her whole heart and soul into everything she attempts to do. (I can relate!) So she set about immediately searching for a man to spend her life with. That meant lots of prayer and lots of action. She created an online profile on a Catholic dating site, and let her friends and family know she was looking. Knowing her, I can assume she prayed ardentlyto find the spouse that God wanted for her. These are some of the same actions I took, and I highly recommend them. Let’s take a brief look at what she did.
Set up a profile
First of all, if you are serious about finding someone to share your life with—especially if you need or want to get on with your marriage vocation quickly—it would be foolish not to use these online tools. I will write more about everything I have learned firsthand about using online match-making sites; how to use them properly and to your best advantage, in another article. Suffice it to say, it is a very basic step in moving forward with marriage today. Once you have made a decision, and you are willing to take action, setting up an online profile is perhaps the most basic, concrete step you can begin to take right here and now. You may not actually meet your spouse that way—although it’s just as likely that you will. Yet this simple action will prove to you and to others that you mean business. If you are more than 26 years old, and you don’t think you need to use online dating to find someone who is free to marry, and genuinely shares your Catholic faith—in this society—I would suggest you need a reality check. If you’re still running around on the campus of a Catholic college, or young enough that the majority of the kids at your local Newman Center are about your age and single, then maybe you can skip it…but is that really your case?
Talk About it Openly
The other important step she took was to communicate openly about her desire for marriage with trusted people in her social circle. Why is this such a strange idea? If you were looking for housing, a car or job, wouldn’t you talk to everyone you know about it? Wouldn’t you ask your friends and family to let you know of any ‘leads?’ Many, many people meet their significant other through introductions by friends and family. These are the people that really know you, and they presumably know your values. They also want what’s best for you. You may feel embarrassed, but then, why should you? This is your future we’re talking about here. Are you not willing to be open and honest about your intentions? If you are not, perhaps you might need to turn to God in prayer and ask Him to give you the courage. It’s really important for you to be open and honest with yourself, God and others about this process. Failing to do so would be to let fear win the day. It is also a sign of immaturity. Decide now to leave immaturity behind. Be open and transparent about what you value, and what you are looking for in life. Ask, and you shall receive, seek and you shall find.
Check Your Judgement With People You trust
If you don’t have a trusting relationship with your family, and you’re sure they might try to discourage or undermine your success, you must turn even more to your friends and faith community. Talk with them about your desire for marriage. Talk with them about your new dating philosophy and goals. Ask them to pray for you to find a spouse, and to overcome whatever obstacles may be in your path that may be blocking you from fulfilling your vocation to holy marriage.
If you lack trustworthy, virtuous friends that you can share yourself with on an authentic basis, this is a problem that you need to rectify immediately if you hope to make good decisions about a potential partner. True friendship and authentic community is vitally important for any discernment process. You need their prayers, and you also need their input. Your friends will help you in some very important ways. If they care about you, and have good sense, they will help you avoid wasting your time with the wrong person. They may also help you in staying the course with the right person for you. They often can see you better than you can see yourself. This doesn’t mean your choice of spouse should be left up to them. God, with your cooperation and effort, will ultimately choose your spouse. Yet, you need your community to keep you on firm spiritual ground as you move through this process.
There are also practical benefits to talking about your marriage goals and ideals with people in your inner circle. Obviously, some of them will want to get involved in helping you find your next date. They may become enthusiastic about this, and by all means, let them! A helpful friend might invite you to a double date with them. A relative might know of a virtuous man or woman who is also looking, and look for a way to introduce the two of you. What a lovely, and wonderfully ‘old-fashioned’ way to meet someone! Those who plan parties or dinners may consider your needs when making invitations and seating arrangements. These can all lead to more dates, and thus more opportunities to grow. So talk to your people, and tell them what you’re doing.
“Stick with the winners”
Also, discuss your dating and discernment journey with people who are successful in this area themselves. Happily married, engaged and dating people have so much to teach you about what they did, and are doing, to make this stuff happen. By the same token, be wary of bending your ear to those who are not successful in relationships. Think about it, if you constantly surround yourself with people who have gotten nowhere with this process themselves; have had their relationships or marriages destroyed, are constantly getting stuck on the wrong person, or falling into sexual sin; can’t seem to find anyone; harbor deep resentments and fears about the opposite sex; or other issues that prevent them from finding a date, a serious relationship or a spouse, what do you think you will get? Do you really want to follow their lead? I don’t mean you have to ditch your single friends. But do focus your attention and conversation on those who are on the same hopeful path as you are; people who are where you want to be; who have made a lot of progress in this area of life. Discuss your situation with those whose lives demonstrate that they have learned a thing or two about this whole ‘grow up and marry’ thing. These people won’t have all the answers, but they will have a much more valuable perspective for you than someone who is chronically stuck. Above all, steer clear of venting, complaining and commiserating. It doesn’t work. As they say in 12 step recovery circles: “stick with the winners.”
“When man prays, God listens; when man obeys God acts.”
The issue of prayer in regards to vocation seeking is so fundamental, I’ll have to write at least one article dedicated to the subject. For now, I want to simply point out that my friend had already begun to develop herself spiritually in some important ways when she started her journey towards marriage. She was young and inexperienced, yet she was well formed in her faith, and had a deep sense of her obligation to God. She prayed daily, as I said, and was intent on carrying out God’s will in her life. She had already seized upon the courage that comes through a genuine faith. This faith did not lead her to inaction. On the contrary, trusting in her merciful Father enabled her to stand up and walk toward the good. The above quote comes from an old Oxford Group pamphlet I read a million years ago (the Oxford Groups was a Christian movement upon which Alcoholics Anonymous was founded at the beginning of the 20th century). I think this little aphorism sums up a key aspect of the true Christian attitude. It’s worth some reflection. I’ll put it this way: I really love and trust God, I will not lay around eating bonbons and then blame Him when nothing happens! I will get into action, seeking by all reasonable means to know and do his will for me, rather than relying on my own self-centered or misguided ideas. When I pray, I will pray “Thy will be done,” as Our Lord said.
How God Blessed Her Actions
My friend has a unique story. I will try to keep it general here because I haven’t asked her permission to publish it. I will say, though, that she did these things and they ended up working for her—almost miraculously, one might say. First, she made a decision to pursue marriage. She prayed to God about it frequently and ardently as she was accustomed to living a prayer-filled life, praying for God’s will to be done as she took action. She talked to her trusted friends and family about it. She created an online profile on one or more Catholic match-making websites.
Soon, she was contacted by a man on one of these sites. At first, she wasn’t too sure she liked his style of communicating, so she wrote him off—BUT—she knew better than to make decisions about her vocation in a vacuum. She discussed these things with a trusted spiritual friend who persuaded her to suspend her judgement, and give the guy a chance.
Good thing. It turned out that he was a wonderful man of faith with whom she had much in common. Not only that, it turned out that he had formerly lived with her brother—in the same monastery, actually. What an incredible coincidence! She discussed the matter with her brother, and was able to learn a lot from him about this man—his character, personality and values. What a heavenly help! She got a glowing and trustworthy endorsement from her brother, which seemed to confirm everything she was now learning about this guy through their initial meetings. Her attraction to this man grew as she learned and discovered more and more in their conversations and meetings together.
This man and woman had so much in common, not only because they had both ardently pursued religious life in the past, but because they both loved God. They both saw marriage as nothing less than God’s calling for them to aspire to holiness. They are now on this road to heaven together, fully dedicated to assisting each other through all the trials, sorrows and joys of this life. They pray together everyday, and the blessing of children is their most ardent prayer together. They are offering themselves to God, hand in hand. For them, matrimony is a holy vocation, and a promise of lifelong friendship, with the happy and natural enjoyment of shared intimacy, shared life, and shared suffering, made redemptive through Christ, especially through the grace of the Holy Sacrament of Matrimony.
Perhaps the principle here is that we can be mistaken about what God wants for us and from us; what specifically he’s calling us to do, even if we are following what appears to be holy inspiration. Sometimes our most cherished plans, even if well-intended, are really originating more from ourselves than from heaven. God always wants us to love and serve Him to our utmost. We can and should begin to do so right now. Yet a vocational commitment that requires certain circumstances and cooperation with others is a bit more complex. Doors do have to open—that’s up to God. Bold, deliberate and even tenacious action must be taken—that’s up to us. God is there to help us, not hinder us in our progress. We shouldn’t think that He is blocking us, but rather, directing us.
To cooperate with God requires humility, as well as open mindedness and perseverance. We have to follow His lead. He said “the meek shall inherit the earth.” The question is, am I willing to be meek to the will of God? For most of us, discipleship requires some real ego deflation. It requires us to grow beyond our unconscious assumptions about ourselves in order to find the truth of what God is really asking of us. We may not be called to the most honorable position society, or the most sublime conceivable role in the Church. God’s business for you may be more “down to earth” than you have previously imagined. Actions taken in true humility are certainly blessed by God, as the saints have shown us through the ages. Approached in this way, with humility, we know that God will help us to become as holy as we should.
O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed,
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being loved…Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being extolled…Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being honored…Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being praised…Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being preferred to others…Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being consulted…Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being approved…Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being humiliated…Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being despised…Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of suffering rebukes…Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being calumniated…Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being forgotten…Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being ridiculed…Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being wronged…Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being suspected…Deliver me, Jesus.
That others may be loved more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I…Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That, in the opinion of the world,
others may increase and I may decrease…Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be chosen and I set aside …Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be praised and I unnoticed …Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be preferred to me in everything…Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should…
People who marry make a decision. Just like any other endeavor in this life, when you want to do something, you have to make a decision to do it. Marriage is a goal. People that end up married, whether consciously or unconsciously, choose marriage as the desired goal for themselves, and this largely happens, in my experience, before they meet their marriage partner.
Yes, there are those who seem to have ‘stumbled’ into marriage. We lazy people envy them, don’t we? It seems as if they didn’t have to lift a finger. Usually these people were married very young, perhaps before that had time to put much thought into it. Or didn’t they? You might try asking them whether getting to the altar was quite as much of a ‘no-brainer’ as you assume. You may be surprised.
Yes, occasionally people do marry their highschool or college sweetheart, for better or worse. Perhaps they were ‘young and dumb,’ as they say. We often hear of ‘shotgun weddings’ (my dad had one) or other ill-considered unions that lack the full consciousness of those involved. Those are not good circumstances for marriage, although some of them do manage to grow-up and work things out eventually. Yet there are many successful marriages that started out early in life, as well. What can we learn from them? Regardless of whether it felt easy or hard for them, these unions were obviously made possible by a great leap of faith—and a courageous decision—by the people involved.
I learned an important lesson from one of these. Let me tell you what happened: I was dating a guy in highschool (a very nice, handsome, exciting guy) who obviously wanted to start a family of his own soon. After almost a year of dating, I broke it off with him—his timeline didn’t fit with mine. And to be honest, I doubt I ever would have wanted to marry him, no matter how much time we gave it. I had other plans at the time, and he just wasn’t the guy for me.
As soon as we broke—within weeks—he was dating another girl we had both recently met at a party. Within another year or two, they were married! To my knowledge they have several children and are doing well. This was my first lived experience of the principle that when someone truly wants to be married, they make a decision. Yes, I was the one who broke things off. But he certainly didn’t waste time after our breakup pining for me, knowing that our relationship, though passionate, was a ‘no-go’ for his goal of marriage.
This guy did it right. It wasn’t easy. We were reluctant to break up, we both cared about each other and had been through a lot together. He was really devastated when I ended it with him. Yet, he had his eye on marriage, and I didn’t. So he quickly moved on and accomplished his marriage goal, and by all accounts, has reaped the rewards of happy, fruitful family life. He’s also reaped the particular rewards having a life-partner to work through the milestones of life together from a young age.
Looking back, I certainly don’t regret breaking up with him. I loved him enough to be honest with him and set him free. Yet, I always remembered the reality that if a guy truly wants to get married, and he’s not too conflicted about that, he’ll go and find his girl. His readiness to marry had nothing to do with his financial security, accomplishments or many other things that people assume are prerequisites for marriage. He was only 19 or 20, and he had a lot to learn. Yet spiritually, he was ready. He wanted marriage and family, and was prepared to make the necessary sacrifices. So he did that.
Back then, my ego was rather hurt by the fact that he moved on so quickly. After all, just weeks before, he had been so passionate about being with me! Yet now, it makes perfect sense. He had enough wisdom to put his enlightened self-interest first. He owed me nothing. His personal goal of marriage was more important to him than any particular romance. He wasn’t going to let some screwball (me) deprive him of his cherished goal, or delay him from leaping on the next opportunity to bring it to fruition.
So what I’m trying to illustrate is this: Having made a decision, you must honor it. You must not be hung-up on a person who can’t or won’t walk that path with you. This is so simple it’s almost comical. Yet it bears repeating, because so many frustrated, confused people I meet are sabotaging their own happiness by refusing to accept this basic principle:
you can only marry someone who wants to be married to you.
This requires you to make a decision to pursue marriage before your interest in a particular person. You must decide to pursue marriage regardless of anyone else; whether you have any good prospects around you; whether you like anyone right now—regardless of any other ‘buts’ or ‘what ifs’ or objections. Make a decision that you are going to honestly pursue marriage, and take the next indicated action.
Should people date only within their own religion, denomination or rite? Should Catholics date only Catholics?
This is a question that I have been asked by a reader who is quite serious about her Catholic faith, as am I. I will answer it immediately, since it really is an important issue for so many of us. The answer is: yes and no.
Here’s the thing: there are several phases of dating that we need to distinguish. There are also several different reasons and purposes for dating. I’ve noted these elsewhere and will continue to unpack them in the coming sections. What is true for one phase of dating is not necessarily true for another.
An ‘Open Door’ Policy
If you are one of those people who really needs help in the dating arena—say, you have trouble with the concept of datingin general; you’ve never really dated; you haven’t been on a date in a long time; you’ve been stuck in some kind of rut; you’re hung-up on the wrong person and not able to be open to anyone else—then I would urge you to practice an ‘open door’ policy with dating for a while.
Some might call this ‘casual dating.’ It’s a good description. After all, like my mother told me, all dating is casual, at least in the beginning. Yet for us, all dating is important. Don’t let the term casual dating suggest that this activity is not a vital and necessary growth challenge. No matter who you go out on a date with, or how unlikely you are to ever date them again, your willingness to carry out each date, and grow from it, is a step taken towards marriage—for you. This doesn’t mean each date is a step taken towards marriage with a particular person. This is such an important concept to grasp.
It’s About The Work
At this stage of dating, no matter who you go out with, or how many dates you go on, you are still a single person. You have more to learn—maybe a lot more to learn—about dating and relationships in general. You will benefit from all kinds of dating experiences at this stage. If you’re anything like me, when you finally do get into a dating situation where you are much more emotionally invested and the stakes are a lot higher, you will be grateful you did all the work you did while engaged in casual, exploratory, non-exclusive dating.
This work is about changing your mental and emotional ‘programming’— especially with regard to the opposite sex. This happens experientially. In other words you need practice. What will it take for you to become a person who dates? Someone who is comfortable with dating? Someone who gets a lot of dates? A man who is confident about asking women out on dates, and capable of carrying them out successfully? A woman who gets asked out on dates often, and knows how to handle these interactions with poise and good humor? How can dating become a normal part of the social landscape for you?
I believe growth and wisdom is gained through through experience. A doctor has to do years of field work with real people before he’s fully qualified, no matter how smart or well informed he is. Yes, standards are going to be very important indeed. However, when the first step toward the goal of marriage is dating itself—a changed attitude around dating, and a new experience of dating, those standards should be fairly simple and few.
Here’s the rule of thumb for the single person who has plenty to learn about the dating dance:
ANYONE courageous, friendly and well-intentioned enough to politely ask you out, deserves a half-hour of your time.
This goes for both men and women, respectively. It takes a great deal of courage for most people to ask anyone out on a date. You already know that much about this person, from the outset. They have some chutzpah. They also have an expressed intention to go on a date with you. Which already makes them more appropriate than someone who doesn’t want to go out with you!
In all charity, such a person deserves at least a brief hearing. Afterall, this person, regardless of their appearance, age, race, weight, etc., has valuable information for you. He or she is your key to growth. If this person is well-intentioned (and well, normal) enough to have a cup of coffee and a half-hour of conversation in a public place, then you should say yes. You need to say yes to that simple activity, and be willing to learn whatever you can about yourself and about life by following through.
Every Dating Experience Helps
I am telling you this because I practiced it myself. I went on many dates. I went on simple, uncomplicated dates with men who did not meet all of my criteria for a husband—or even for an exclusive dating partner. They did however meet the criteria necessary to go on one or two dates—the kind of casual dates that enabled me to practice dating.
These men rendered me a great service; they made it possible for me to date actual human beings! Going on dates with a less-than-perfect-match helped me vastly improve my communication skills, explore my feelings in relation to the opposite sex, and even heal certain traumatic memories (Oh, yes, its true. More on how to do this later). By cooperating with someone of the opposite sex, specifically on the project of dating, I learned about my needs, desires and fears in the context of dating, and had a nice enough time doing it, in most cases.
All these gentlemen helped me with an important task: they helped me grow closer to becoming capable of marriage. They helped me develop in wisdom and maturity, bringing me closer to my marriage goal. They helped me to become the kind of woman that a man like my husband could love, and to whom he could make his life-long commitment of fidelity.
I dated all sorts of men, even those I didn’t particularly like, because it was in my own best interest. If this sounds selfish, it really isn’t. I truly believe that each man I encountered while dating casually benefitted from these experiences, too. With few exceptions, these men, who were also working on their own personal goals, came away having learned more about their own values and worthiness because of how we interacted with each other on those dates. If nothing else, they learned, if they didn’t already know, that they can ask a girl out on a date, and she can say yes, and they can have a good time. I believe it is the behavior of women that informs men what is expected of them to a large degree, and how they are valued, and ultimately shapes the culture.
I Arrived at My Own Conclusions
Now, is it wise to enter into an exclusive dating relationship with someone who does not share your faith? You’ll have to make that determination yourself. The Catholic Church advises against it. I found out that, for me, it’s not a good idea. My parents are of different denominations, and this has cost them a great deal in terms of unity, and passing on any religious faith to us kids, I believe. It was so difficult to understand what to believe or how to act when my parents couldn’t agree on such important matters. I think I still experience troubles and doubts in the faith area because of my parents’ lack of unity. Maybe you can relate. But that’s another story.
I personally don’t recommend marrying anyone who differs on such a fundamental level from you. If you do believe God is really calling you to this particular cross, you’d better be guided every step of the way by a priest or spiritual director you trust. It’s a very difficult road indeed. For Catholics, it requires special dispensation, along with the express promise that the children will be baptized and brought-up Catholic. Inter-religious marriage for Catholics is permissible, but not beneficial.
The good news is, unless you are dealing with a specific person you are dating exclusively right now, it really doesn’t matter. For myself, as I was learning to date, I kept a very open mind on this issue, because I knew I first needed to work on dating, communicating and interacting with men in general. So I started off by dating men, in general.
Through dating various men of different ages, religions, backgrounds, temperaments, racial extractions—I slowly came to realize how important the matter of shared faith is for me. This is one of the many things I learned by actually going out on dates. When I met the man who eventually became my husband, I realized that his remarkable qualities of faith and devotion outweighed many other concerns I might have been more bothered about ‘on-paper.’ I could evaluate our compatibilty in a more realistic way, because I had done a lot of work in this area already. I had learned, through dating, certain qualities that I always considered important to me before, were actually less important to me than this one thing. This knowledge enabled me to value my husband for his spiritual and moral qualities and let a number of other lesser issues go.
This sifting through qualities and assigning them the appropriate value is such an important part of the process of discernment. No partnership will be without its share of conflict. You will make some compromises for your spouse, as they will for you. I learned to what lengths I was willing to stretch myself to be with someone who has the virtue of faith to a great degree, because it became so very important to me. My past experience gave me much needed motivation to stay the course.
All that being established, if you are Catholic, and want to limit your dating pool to Catholics, I think this is a wise idea. If you are using online dating sites, you should obviously give priority to members who match you in the faith category, especially if faith is very important to you. I initially had trouble finding a large enough pool of Catholic men to date as often as I needed to work my dating ‘program’, as it were, so I broadened my circle to include Evangelicals and other Christians, with whom I had enough in common (at the time) to at least consider as potential partners. I also went on plenty of dates with men of no particular faith, as long as they were interested and polite enough to ask me.
Being Honest
I actually never said ‘no’ to a date on the basis of religion. I did say ‘no’ several times on the basis of chastity. This was certainly true early on in my journey. There were times that even though part of me would just love to get involved with this person, I had to admit that our mutual interest was laden with impure intentions, and dating this person would almost certainly lead to sexual sin.
I have to admit I’ve had to break away from dating someone who’s faith was outside of credal Christianity (he was a Jahova’s Witness). This was a bit of a challenge as we were very attracted to each other. Yet, I could easily see that the attraction was superficial in the end, because we knew that our religious differences were a ‘deal breaker’ for both of us. It took fortitude to say ‘no, thank you’ to that one. I had a similar challenge breaking away from a few different agnostic/atheist men I dated over the years. Yet, I learned how to bow out gracefully before things went too far. Even when I did screw-up in this regard, I learned. I made use of the Sacrament of Confession and I learned. Even without falling into sin, I learned from all of them.
Chastity is a real challenge for most of us. Things did happen more often with atheists, agnostics and non-Christians, who had no qualms about sexual activity outside of marriage. But here’s the thing: I also had problems staying chaste with devout Christians and Catholics, too. If you are having difficulty with purity and chastity yourself, and you think dating only within your faith will prevent anything inappropriate from happening, I would suggest this is more of a spiritual problem between you and God, than a problem with the other person’s beliefs. Chastity starts with your willingness to be honest with yourself, God and others. Each situation will require rigorous honesty, and willingness to act on your principles, among other things.
It is this very practice of honesty—with yourself, with God and with the people you encounter in the dating dance, that will enable you to grow up and marry.
Next, dear Reader, we launch into what I have decided to call “The Teleology of Dating,” in which we take a closer look at what dating IS and is NOT, in order to put it to better use than we have in the past. This is good information for those who feel ‘stuck’ about dating specifically; are not sure if dating is something they can do, or how it’s supposed to work. It’s also good for people who haven’t been on many dates, or haven’t dated in a long time. I hope you enjoy it.
The Teleology of Dating
Here’s what I see as the core problem for many people who feel, shall we say, reticent to date: people today don’t understand the teleology of dating.
Teleology (for those who are non-nerdy enough to need a reminder), is the explanation of a thing based on its purpose. Let’s use the example of a pencil (fans of Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen’s TV talks from the 1950s may remember this one). A pencil is designed for writing. That is its purpose. It’s very good for writing, and drawing, too. But if you were to use it to try and remove a nail, for example, it would not serve this purpose very well at all. In fact, the pencil would probably break, because it was not designed for that purpose. Then you would have failed to remove the nail, and you longer would have a pencil for writing and drawing. Thus, the teleology of a thing is important. Armed with knowledge of its design and purpose, we stand a much better chance of getting the outcome we want by using it.
What Dating is Not
If you think of dating as a tool, a means to an end, with a certain purpose and design, it becomes much easier to figure out what to do with it. Like I said earlier, my eyes opened when I thought carefully about what mom had said about dating back in the 50s and 60s. Having picked up mistaken notions of what dating is and what it is for, prevented me from dating much—if at all. So, if you’re stuck in a rut with dating, let’s get a few things straight:
Dating is NOT the culmination of your feelings of attraction to someone.
That’s right. Dating is a skill, an important tool, but it is NOT the main event. It’s barely a beginning. Obvious? Maybe. But look at the following scenario…
You notice someone at church or work or something. You develop a crush on them. You fantasize about them. You find out who they are and you ‘friend’ them on Facebook. You check up on what they post, and occasionally you throw a ‘like’ or a ‘comment’ their way. When you finally see them at an actual event, you may even strike up a conversation…And then, suddenly, something wonderful happens…your Fairy-Godmother goes ‘poof,’ and finally, you are DATING! I mean, one minute you were staring at pictures of them on your screen, and now, you’re DATING! This is IT! You are now sitting at a romantic dinner table, with a dozen red roses between you, and you have all this attraction and feeling and intimacy and trust between you…because you’re DATING! And the next thing you know, you’re planning your wedding. Happily ever after, right?
Come on.
I hope you laughed. Did you see yourself in this fantasy scenario at all? There are so many goofy about this, I’m not sure where to begin. But that’s what many, many people have in mind when you mention ‘dating.’
I’ve got news for you: this is what an 11-year-old girl thinks dating is. This is NOTwhat dating actually is.
Regardless of whether or not you use the internet to make contact with someone (there’s nothing really wrong with that), or whether you even know anyone interesting or attractive enough to date at this point (we’ll deal with that one later), or whether or not a Fairy-Godmother gets involved somewhere along the line (hey, we all need a little help sometimes), this is NOT an accurate picture of dating.
Why are these misconception so important to dispel? Because if you actually believe the above scenario is how you’re going to end up married (many devout Catholics substitute God for the Fairy Godmother), you will probably be stuck fantasizing for a very long time. The fact is, appropriate as they are for children, 11-year-old-girl ideas of dating are just not going to serve you. You are an adult. So if you’re clinging to immature ideas about dating, you need to set them aside.
First, dating does NOT happen automatically, with zero risk or effort on your part.
It always takes some degree of effort and some risk to date. No one can do it for you. You are the one who has to play your part in the dating dance. This can seem hard. No one likes to be rebuffed, or slighted—even by a stranger. But come now. We’re talking about casual, non-exclusive dating here. It’s not the end of the world if you have to experience a moment of awkwardness. You can take it. If you are a man, you have to ask a woman out. If you are a woman, you have to say ‘yes’ to a man who asks you out. This must become your habit and your modus operandi. That’s the only way dating will actually happen, and become a normal, social experience for you. Period.
Since, as we said before dating is NOT the culmination of your feelings for someone, you do not need to be strongly attracted or even at all attracted to someone in order to date them. Nope. You don’t. You can go on a date as a gesture of your willingness to work on yourself, practice your social skills and say ‘yes’ to dating in general–and for many other reasons. In doing so, no matter what, you both will benefit. (More on this later.)
Moreover, as a man, you need not build-up your emotions and feelings into a big ball of pressure in order to finally release them by asking someone out. You will want to act more quickly than that when you notice someone interesting, approaching various women with friendliness and good humor, taking any rejections in stride. Since dating, properly understood, is not the culmination of your feelings, you can easily practice asking different women out on simple, friendly dates, thus increasing your confidence and skill. Obviously, you don’t want to go on this way indefinitely. Getting stuck in a rut of endless casual dating is a problem for some men (and women too). You are ultimately looking for a marriage partner. For now, though, we need you to get INTO dating, and taking action, rather than staying isolated and intimidated, with nothing going on, and no real experiences of dating to go on.
Likewise, as a woman, you must try not to put up an undue ‘wall of defense’ against a manwho has shown the courage and courtesy to ask you out. This is not a question about whether or not you can see yourself married to this man. This is coffee. Use common sense and be safe, obviously—but, if you are serious about learning how to date, you need to say ‘yes’ to basically anyone decent enough to ask you at this point. You don’t have to go to a long dinner, you don’t have to let him pick you up, or let him know where you live; you can meet up at coffee shop, or anywhere public, and simply have a chat. Anyone who approaches you in a cordial manner, if they are reasonably normal, deserves 30 minutes of your time. Trust me, you will benefit. Armed with the correct idea of what dating is, you can say ‘yes’ to most dates easily, because you are not promising anything extraordinary by going on a date. You are simply agreeing to meet up in a public place and have a chat. That’s it.
What Dating Really Looks Like
Now, here’s a sketch of the way dating used to work back in the when your grandparents, parents, and perhaps even your older siblings dated (before the culture went completely side-ways)—you know, back when the majority of people were actually married by the time they were 30? I promise, it still can and does work, for those who practice it. It goes something like this:
A man sees a woman somewhere that he finds somewhat attractive. He strikes up a preliminary conversation. If she seems at all affirming, he asks her out to get a bite to eat, or something to drink somewhere. She says yes. This is a date. It doesn’t matter what you want to call it, that’s actually what it is. He doesn’t really know the woman, and she doesn’t know him, yet they are willing to go on ONE date to see what happens. If she’s feeling diffident, she might insist on keeping the date very short—just a coffee, say, knowing she can easily wrap it up after a few minutes. This is more than fair. After all, it’s just an experiment for him too, and she’s giving him a chance.
And that’s what dating essentially is. It’s two people giving each other a chance; a chance to see what happens; a chance to see if any mutual attraction or interest can develop; to see how two people feel on a date with each other. A date is NOT a declaration of your feelings. A date is an experiment.
In order to actually date, I need to become a ‘social-scientist.’ I need to conduct experiments. By asking for dates, and by saying ‘yes’ to dates, I actually broaden my mind and my knowledge of reality. I may think I know what I want in another person, but until I step out and take the risk of real interaction with another human being, in real time and space, in the context of a date, it’s all just fantasy and conjecture.
We all start off with theories about ourselves and others. But until we carry out the necessary experimentation—which is, again, what dating is, we can never really test and refine those theories. Consequently, we may be going around with erroneous notions about ourselves and others that go unchallenged because we haven’t gained enough experience to refine our thinking on these matters. And this kind of ignorance is the symptom I see most often with people who can’t or won’t date, and yet believe they “probably should marry.” No wonder they’re frustrated.
I will talk more about the teleology of dating in later articles. At this point, I want you to set aside any notion of dating that does not involve any risk or effort on your part. There is always risk—that’s part of what makes dating challenging and fun. I also want you to realize this, more than anything else:
Dating is NOT the culmination of your attraction to someone. It is NOT the main event.A date is NOT a declaration of your feelings for someone.
A date is an EXPERIMENT.
Anything you do, say or believe to the contrary is probably misleading you. It has probably kept you from dating, and kept you at square zero on the journey to becoming happily married. So stop it. Set those old ideas aside, and get busy dating. Remember that dating is a way for you to discover the things you need to know about reality in order to get from single to married. This cannot be accomplished in the imagination or in the fantasy world of the internet and text. It is experiential as well as experimental. I’ll provide more practical advice on how to get dates, what to do with them, as well as the progress of dating, in later articles.
Take heart. Armed with this new information, you are now free to ask for and accept dates from practically anyone who is kind, decent, curious and approachable enough to conduct such a social experiment with you. And there are many kind, decent, curious and approachable people in the world. Are you one of them?
Well, dear Reader, the 3rd installment of the topic series, “Dating As Countercultural” is here. In this part, I explain how I started to look at dating in a new way—not like what I’d learned from TV and movies as a kid, and way different than what I had previously experienced in the bars and night clubs of my prodigal past.
By listening to someone from a previous generation who had a different outlook on dating than myself, I began to see, for the first time, that even though I was no longer living a sinful life, thanks to my conversion to Christ, I was still getting the dating thing wrong. From there, I began to develop a set of workable goals, and gather together new tools for dating that helped me stay on course, even through the challenges that were to come.
This was the beginning of what became, for me, a transformative dating ‘program’ of sorts. Years before, when I first learned how to live free from alcohol and drugs, I had to follow a program of action to change my thinking and my life. Well, with dating, I needed something just as powerful and concrete. What I needed was a simple set of action guidelines that I could practice, and goals to strive for as I went along. Seeing dating in a different light was just one piece of the puzzle, but it was the beginning of a wave of new discoveries that I needed to ultimately solve the marriage question.
Please read carefully, and consider what suppositions about dating may be currently holding you back from dating effectively, or dating at all. This may be the beginning of your turning over a new leaf in this important area of your discernment and your walk with God.
Grow Up and Marry! 