Here’s the second installment of our topic series on ‘Dating as Countercultural.’ This time I briefly sketch out some sobering facts about the changes that have happened in our society at large. The facts amount to this: we simply aren’t dating, aren’t getting into serious relationships and aren’t getting married like we use to.
Remember, this is not a doom and gloom message—there is a solution. Yet I need to bring these facts to the table to set the stage for a new mindset that we Catholics (and all of us), need to embrace in order to overcome this self-destructive pull toward chronic singlehood. Read ‘Dating as Countercultural (part 2),’ here.
As usual, you can find everything I’ve written on this subject so far in ‘The Articles’ page. Stay tuned for more!
Between nursing the baby and tending to my adorable (but vigorous) toddler, I’ve been getting it all down as fast as I can! The next piece of the puzzle that I have to share with you is so in-depth, I had to break it into several articles. In book form, these would likely be component parts of the same chapter, but for the purposes of this website, I wanted to keep the articles relatively short—not more than a thousand words or so.
I feel it important, too, dear Reader, that you take some time to digest this information, and think about how the principles described here might apply to your own situation.
The first part of this series has to do with my own personal journey of discernment, how my dreams and aspirations changed as my conversion to Christ unfolded.
I’ve always been a bit of a rebel. I had already done something somewhat countercultural by becoming an artist, and then, by making a sudden swan-dive into Catholicism, I knew I was taking the proverbial, ‘road less traveled.’ As I made decisions that brought me deeper into my commitment to Christ, I discovered a whole new level of clarity about my mission in life. I hope you will too.
Read the first part of ‘Dating As Countercultural,’ here.
It’s got some practical action for you to take right now, and a bit of my personal experience of using it at a crucial turning point in my life.
Also, you may notice a new page is up on growupandmarry.com, containing titles linking you to each of the first several articles I’ve written for this project. For the moment, I am posting them to ‘The Articles’ page as I write them, but in time, I will probably organize them into groups by topic. I will, of course develop a more detailed Table of Contents as things progress, hopefully toward a book. I hope you enjoy the material in its nascent form, and find it useful and encouraging.
Thanks for reading, and let me know what you think!
You may have noticed, dear Reader, that while getting the hang of this project, I’ve been using the site’s Blog Feed to post most of my content so far. It’s been invigorating to have the articles pop right into someone’s email box the second I get them drafted, and flattering to see people out there in the blogosphere ‘like’ my posts.
However, I do NOT want this to be another social media experience. I realize that what will serve my work and my readers best, is to post articles to Static Pages on the site, with titles linking readers to the articles. That way, one can easily navigate to certain topics, and return to articles for reference, without digging through a stream of old posts. Also, I can keep revising and improving these articles, because they are not time-sensitive. I may enable comments on pages so readers can respond to individual articles…but we’ll see about that.
I want this to function more like an online ‘book’ than a discussion forum. This site is intended for readers who want to ponder the information with care, rather than the quick-scrolling, anonymous public we usually encounter on blog sites. It’s also for me to develop my writing on these topics. Traffic is less important than organization and good writing. Depth is more important than reach.
I’m creating this website for three reasons :
as a service to people I know offline, who could use the information in written form (as well as people online who may discover it);
as a place to organize my notes, with an eye to turning this material into a printed book;
as a way to carry a message of hope, as a part of my own recovery and ongoing conversion, to those who want it—even though I am mostly confined to my living room with very small children.
I plan to use the Blog Feed to let people know when a new article has been posted to the site, or when an older article has been significantly updated—sort of like getting to read drafts of a book while it’s being written. I will probably post excerpts of the full articles to the Blog Feed, so people get can a taste of the content and subscribe if they like it. As of now, all of the information is free.
Readers may also contact me with specific questions on these topics or on their unique situation. I will address them privately through email, or publically in a Q&A format. You can also request specific topics you’d like to see covered here. Please click here, to send me your question or topic suggestion.
Thanks for reading. If you haven’t already, please subscribe to the blog to stay engaged with the content here as it grows.
Now, pour yourself another cup, get comfy and read on! May God bless you with whatever you truly need at this time, as you consider carefully the ideas within these pages.
“I am the true vine; and my Father is the husbandman. Every branch in me, that beareth not fruit, he will take away: and every one that beareth fruit, he will purge it, that it may bring forth more fruit.”
-Jesus John 15:1–17
Working on this website has already helped me clarify a few things. I’ve been busy, like a gardener, filling in fields with words. It’s a bit like writing a social media post or sending a text to a friend. The difference is, what I’m writing here is meant to stay put and take root. The ideas are accumulating and becoming more clear.
“Well, it’s nothing really new,” my husband interjects. “Writing things down always helps to organize one’s thoughts.”
There’s something different about this work, though. I find myself making lists; collecting all the different topics, rationales, people who may be my intended readers. There’s so much variety, so much to pull together, it begs the question: what is the underlying message? I mean, what does a recovering alcoholic, an old family friend, someone from church, an admirer of my art, or a student—what do they all have in common as an audience? What’s the essence of the thing I have to share with them all? What brings them all into my world to hear what I have to say? Why do I want so much to say this thing to them?
A Dream of Love
I keep seeing this image and I want to share it with you. It comes from a powerful dream I had once. Its a real ‘Queen of Dreams,’ one of the few that stands above all others, like a star in the gloom of memory, static and true, illuminating the things below:
I’m at the studio in Seattle—which is really the old garage at my father’s house. I’m standing outside of the building, on the grass, where the bushes and vines are growing thickly around the hundred year-old structure. I look up: out of a hidden place beneath the overhanging roof, there comes a vine. It’s not an ordinary vine. It seems to emanate from inside the studio somewhere, growing out from the dark places underneath the roof. The vine grows toward me as I stand there, looking up, dazzled by its rapid growth. At once it delivers, down to my outstretched hand, a fruit. Not just any fruit, though—the most glorious, supernatural, beatific fruit I could ever imagine. It’s gigantic. It’s like a peach, but it is much more than a peach. Something impossibly good. Just to look upon it is to taste it’s goodness. Beholding it, I am overcome with love.
Fruitfulness—that is the greatest gift I could have been given. And the vision of that ‘Beatific Fruit’ is the message I have to give to you, dear reader. I want you to hear this, because I want you to have what your heart desires most in this world. It’s not just about getting married; there’s a much more fundamental process going on underneath all that. If you don’t attend to it, I’m afraid you may miss the opportunity to realize your dreams of love.
Our Lord commanded us to be fruitful and multiply. It’s so simple. This is what He wants from us. His imperative for us is not just about conceiving and giving birth to children—it certainly is about that in many instances, don’t be mistaken—but it’s also something more. Our Creator designed us to live and to germinate. We are His seeds.
Tell me, have you ever seen a seed germinate in the most unlikely of places? Ever seen a poor, hopeful bean sprout from a wet napkin? A lone flower push through a little crack in the concrete? Life finds a way. Life tries at all costs. Life is tenacious. Life obeys the imperative: be fruitful. That’s what He commanded us to do. Do it however you possibly can and to the fullest measure that you can. Find the light. Grow. Push through. Send down roots until you find the water. Push forth vines until you find the sun. Go to seed. You must go to seed.
When I was a little girl, I remember delighting in the ‘helicopter’ seed-pods that fell from the trees in our neighborhood. A breeze would come and you’d see them falling slowly through the air like little paratroopers. They’d spin around and catch the wind and end up all over the place. Some landed right underneath the mother tree, some spun and flew so far they’d make it into a neighboring yard; maybe to get covered by other leaves and rain and perhaps they’d germinate there. We can hope. Or else they’d land on the hard sidewalk, or on some other man-made surface, doomed to die.
They couldn’t all make it, of course. Yet each one of those little seeds was designed with an intricate plan inside them that enabled them to try—not necessarily to succeed—but to try and land in a good place where they could germinate and take root. Somehow or other, in the project of life, we all must try. We must try with all the tenacity of every living thing that God brought forth into this world. We are filled with God’s plan. If nothing else, we are filled with one, basic imperative from our Creator: go to seed. Germinate. Reproduce.
We must, must find a way to go to seed, or else die barren and cursed as that wretched fig tree that failed to give fruit when Jesus commanded it. This is what we don’t always like to hear. Catholics ought to know it, but more often these days, we don’t. We think like the world. We spend our lives accumulating prestige and comfort. We doubt the teachings of the Church; we convince ourselves we are within the bounds of the law. We withhold our fruit.
Lavinia Fontana (Italian, 1552–1614), “Noli me tangere,” 1581. Oil on canvas.
Be fruitful. At all costs and by all means, be fruitful and multiply. Plunge deep into the soil and find the water. Stretch up, and around and out—push through the obstructions, towards the light. You must.
I urge you not to make some of the same mistakes I did. Don’t leave our Lord with His hand outstretched and empty. Make the sacrifice. Don’t have the abortion; go back to your family and ask for help. Don’t just hang around cohabitating with that woman; marry her and set things right. Don’t drift through life looking for the next distraction; find a way to serve and sink yourself into that vocation. Don’t just hang around single—or deliberately, selfishly childless with your spouse, accumulating money and possessions to please yourself ; bear children—conceive, adopt or foster them—and pass on what you have to give. Don’t give up on God; search your own conscience, confess your sins, and try again. Don’t wallow in your heartbreak and disappointment; lighten your burden and ride the wind. Get yourself quickly to a better place where you may find soil enough to take root—you don’t have time to waste.
Sooner or later, we must all “go to seed.” That’s farmer lingo for reproduce. I guess I learned it from my dad, who grew up pretty poor, farming and raising animals for sustenance with his parents in rural Washington. When you see a plant making fruit, it’s going to seed. It knows it’s going to die soon, actually, and now it’s putting forth its greatest effort.
When I look up at the wall above our family table, I see a large crucifix hanging there. Thus, when I look at my own life, I can easily say: the end is near. Momento mori: remember your death. This sounds morbid, but it isn’t really. It’s the gospel: repent, for the The Kingdom of Heaven is at hand.
Haven’t we had enough of our selfish, self-seeking selves already? Haven’t we been injured enough from our self-centered attempts to control every outcome? To win every argument? Sooner or later we must let go of our selfishness. We must repent, die to self, and let that rotting, dead matter become fertilizer for the LIFE that God wants to germinate in us. Thus, what is really true and lasting in us—what is of God, can be reborn.
It’s critical in this mysterious process of surrender (that’s what this is all about really), that we identify with the part of ourselves that comes from God—the eternal, true, living part; not the passing away, rotting, dead part. If we cling to the dead part, we will be cut away, along with the dead things, and thrown to the burn-pile. That’s the way of the Gardener. He brings order to the wilderness in this way. He plants, prunes, nurtures, grafts, harvests, separates, and burns the trash. Take heed. Whichever part we cling to the most will determine where we end up. Cling to the true Vine. Let go of the dead things in yourself. Let God prune those away so you can live.
This all may seem rather esoteric and abstract. There will be more practical advice and input coming soon, I promise. But for now, let these images begin to prepare and fertilize the soil of your heart. Perhaps I am mixing too many metaphors here—I’m not as brilliant a poet as our Lord. Yet, maybe this eclectic, messy mixture will yield something good as we think together about what it may actually take, in your case, to “grow up and marry.”
Fr. McCarthy says emotional maturity is about learning to “manage” one’s emotions. For me, since my life was so unmanageable, that started by surrendering my emotions to God. I decided to quit trying to change or mask what I feel in the moment—without acting out. To accept them and work with them, I had to let myself feel my emotions, and I had stay put while that happened. I could no longer escape, distract or play-act myself out of feeling my feelings. Sometimes I just had to sit there and cry—and not do anything destructive while that happened. This turned out to be the key to attaining even the beginnings of a moral life. It isn’t that I learned to suppress my feelings, rather, I learned to work with them and moderate them. Fr. McCarthy gives a simple illustration of a person who has reached emotional maturity:
“A child goes all out after every emotional experience. He stubs his toe, and he bursts into tears. He is frightened, and he falls into a complete panic. He is angry, so he breaks whatever happens to be in his hands. An adult is quite different. He does not waste a tremendous emotional response on some relatively trifling affair. He can feel fear without going into a complete panic. He can know the surge of anger and yet not burst into an uncontrollable rage. He can meet a new situation and be puzzled by it and yet not feel that the world has come to an end. He can be thwarted or disappointed and not bursting into heartbreaking tears.”
I have to stress again that I am by no means perfect on this score. I am a crier. And I still can’t drive on the freeway without having a panic attack. There are plenty of new situations which I still avoid because they distress and perplex me. The key is, I do not need to make life-changing decisions based on the good or bad feelings that pass through me like clouds in the sky. I have cultivated a certain self-awareness. Because of this, I became more and more aware of the ways in which God is asking me to change and grow right now. I have become more and more willing to suffer the bad feelings that often accompany change and growth. For the things in life that are most important to me: love, marriage, family, faith, morality, salvation—I have been willing to suffer; to put everything on the line.
It’s heartening for me, and I hope for you, that just because I’m an ’emotional person,’ and I’m not always good at handling my emotions, doesn’t mean I am not suited for marriage. Just because you may be a bit of a basket-case, or perhaps, out of touch with your emotions—not able to easily identify or express them, doesn’t mean you can’t learn. You can learn to feel, accept and handle your emotions well, especially where it matters most. And just because you have ‘baggage’—even serious baggage—it doesn’t mean marriage is not for you. Far from it.
We have a little saying in our secret club. We claim “progress, not perfection.” While we are not perfect, we recognize that regardless of what we have done or thought or felt before, we really must make progress. We must change—and we become willing to change, dramatically and deeply, with God’s help. Here’s what we do:
When we are ready and willing to get over whatever is holding us back in life, we first admit we have a problem, and that God (if he exists) really knows better than we do. Then, we make a decision to let God (whatever God may really and truly be there) teach us how to be and how to live. Trusting God (a person we may not even know) with our happiness, we begin to take practical action based on spiritual principles (instead of our old ideas that never really worked anyway). We begin collect valuable experience we can bank on, and share it with others. Thus we grow inour trust and knowledge of God, because we have begun to gain experience. We continue to grow in our knowledge of spiritual principles, and whenever we fail, we gain wisdom, because we have the privilege of seeing spiritual principles in action in our own lives. That’s how we set forth to achieve sobriety, which, depending on your definition, looks an awful lot like emotional maturity.
Am I saying you need to join a 12 Step program? Not necessarily. (Although, maybe you really do!) What I am saying is that I don’t think I would have ‘stumbled’ into marriage with a wonderful, faithful man, and had this beautiful family, without practicing these principles myself. And boy, did I practice them.
These principles of transformation are universal, as far as I can tell. My only advantage over some people is that I started on this path a long time ago by screwing up badly enough to admit I needed a total inner-makeover. And even though it took the form of solving the addiction problem first, the end game was always the same: either change now, or end up alone. You know, one of the last things my last guy told me before I got sober (before he dumped me in the parking lot of a church so I could go to my first meeting) was this:
“I like you. But I want to get married and have a family, and you’re just not marriage material.”
And you know what? He was right. It took me over a decade of applying spiritual principles to figure out how to get married. I guess I just had a long way to go. But if I can do it, you probably can too, if you are willing to admit you’ve hit bottom. Whenever or however you get to that point, you’ve made a great beginning. Now, it’s time to start digging in the other direction.
(For more on this topic, see Emotional Maturity, Part 1)
Emotional maturity, according Fr. Raphael McCarthy S.J., the author of the 1945 booklet after which this website is named, is the ability to regulate one’s emotions in proportion to the situation. To “manage his own emotional responses.” I can imagine an intelligent, accomplished woman reading this right now and thinking: “I’m emotionally mature. I’m 35. I have a master’s degree.” Or a man saying to himself, “That isn’t my problem. It’s my mom and sisters who are always freaking out. I’m the calm, reasonable one.”
Well, according to Fr. McCarthy, emotional immaturity, and all its attendant miseries, was a problem for manyof the good people he encountered as a priest helping couples and families in his day.
“People just do not grow up. One of the parties in the marriage remains emotionally immature. He or she goes on playing a child’s game in a state of life that demands the emotions and feelings of an adult.”
The biggest difference between the demographic Fr. McCarthy was dealing with back in the 40s, and the people he would most likely meet today, is this: back then, people got into relationships with other human beings, and usually ended up married. Hopefully, most were able to grow up and out of their deficiencies together, or at least to practice acceptance, thus living out their marital promises. Yet, today, many people don’t even bother. They despair, actually. They never embrace the necessary challenge that marriage entails. Anticipating that marriage requires a certain degree of emotional maturity to succeed, they avoid marriage altogether. In fact, many of them don’t even attempt to date!
From the reading, one gets the sense that the couples Fr. McCarthy was counseling were young, naive, and eager to marry. This is presumably because in 1945, when people felt a strong attraction to each other, or just really wanted to have sex, that’s what they did. By contrast, the people I’m encountering in my circles are usually older—30s and 40s or beyond. Although they might have assumed marriage as inevitable (that’s a bit different than having a desire), they realize now that its just not happening. Some are perplexed and desperate to figure it out before it’s too late. But many are so diffident, confused and frankly afraid, that they fail to get out of their comfort zone. They say they probably should get married, and yet that they seem to avoid the real issues that come up when they think about what marriage may mean for their specific case.
This trend is not limited to non-religious people who say they have no moral objection to drifting from one meaningless sexual-encounter to another; living with someone until they inevitably go their separate ways; substituting porn, fantasy and masturbation for a genuine relationship with an actual human being. I always try to encourage these people, many of whom I love dearly, to find a better way. What’s more astounding, though, is that I see many of the same self-sabotaging beliefs and patterns among faithful Catholics—and I mean ardent Catholics who accept the teachings of the Church, attend mass once or more a week, and go to Confession!
What’s the deal? Why are good-looking, intelligent, well-formed, faithful Catholics (and other conscientious people) failing to form relationships that leads to marriage? Let’s look at the idea of ’emotional maturity’ again. I honestly feel like a hypocrite talking about this, because I am not exactly a poster-child for emotional maturity myself. Who am I to lecture anyone about it? On the other hand, even though I am not perfect, I did get married.
Let me reiterate how non-perfect I am: I was an alcoholic stoner in my twenties who slept around—and around— looking for Mr. Goodbar. I had an abortion, and then developed a severe anxiety disorder. My biggest fear at the time was not so much dying of alcoholism—although that could have happened—rather, it was a vision of myself as an old woman with no friends, no family and no love in her life; peering out of windows and muttering psychotically to herself. I could see my life headed toward a desperate end. In fact, inside, despite my apparent successes, I was already desperate. I was, as they say, “spiritually bankrupt.” So I asked for help.
I had no faith to speak of, but I was okay with the “God-thing,” as long as it wasn’t Church. I entered that anonymous club for extremely imperfect people (you know, the one with the 12 Steps?). I made a decision, by God’s grace, to change—and change and change and change! I agreed, as a part of that huge undertaking, that I was going to keep changing and growing and transforming, according to whatever God wanted me to do and be, as a way of life. I agreed to throw away my old ideas and become like a little child, in order to grow up. I’m still living according to that initial agreement with God. Everything that I have, including my marriage, is built on it.
That’s the ironic thing. To develop any degree of emotional maturity—at least enough to quit drinking and doing self-destructive things, I had to become truly child-like. I had to “let go and let God” manage my life—including my emotions. This seems like a rather spiritual and mysterious proposition, and believe me, it was and is. To grow up at all, I had to put my pride on the altar of sacrifice, and ‘become a child’ in the way Jesus told us that we must be, or else lose the Kingdom.
Well, that’s the 64 trillion dollar question. The short answer is this: because you were called by God to do this. Most likely. I’m going to point out here that as a Roman Catholic, I am grateful that there is a small fraction of humanity who are specifically called by God to remain celibate, and in many of those cases, to consecrate their lives publicly to God through The Sacrament of Holy Orders or through some other form of what we Catholics call ‘religious life.’ And this is extremely good. These people need our support in every way. Even for those who are not able to do formal consecration for one reason or another, there are many who have been handed a cross – a spiritual challenge – to remain unmarried and to serve God in some other way on Earth. Many amazing people carry this cross, with God’s help, because it is absolutely the best thing for them to do, and they will surely have their reward. But, guess what? That’s NOT most people!
“Certainly the whole subject of marriage is of the greatest interest to the majority of people. It should be. It was intended that most people should marry, and most people do marry.”
Fr. Raphael C. McCarthy, S.J. (1945)
This is something that so many of my Catholic friends, both men and women, young and old, keep getting confused: the vocation to religious life is not what MOST people are called to do! It’s also not a default escape route for someone who is having a tough time figuring out how to navigate the social, emotional, spiritual and biological realities that pertain to attraction, dating, courtship, love, marriage, sexuality, childbirth, parenting, providing for a family and so on. The odds are, if you’re reading this, you are probably supposed to grow-up and marry, if you haven’t already. Perhaps you already suspect that this is true, but you just don’t want to admit it – yet.
Let’s say you’re not married. You have been telling yourself, maybe for a long time, that you probably should pursue religious life. But is this really true in your case? Come on.
Okay, it may be true. If it is, go find a vocation director at once and discuss it with them. Go ahead. But if you’re reading this, you know there is probably another side. The thing is this: you, like the vast majority of human beings on earth, including your ancestors, are probably meant to marry and have children. In fact, we are all biologically designed for it. Yet to actually do this, as you are beginning to suspect, you probably have some serious growing up to do. Also, you realize the clock is ticking (this is especially true for women, but men also need to pay attention to this), so you know need to figure this stuff out fast. So what are you waiting for? Not making a decision IS a decision, and it has consequences. Besides, even if you don’t manage to accomplish all this, it’s definitely God’s natural plan for human flourishing. So what excuse do you really have not to try? To “grow up and marry” is, for the vast majority of people, the natural, normal, just, spiritual, practical, smart, prudent, strategic, wise, joyful, blessed, privileged, hopeful, righteous thing to do. And if I were betting, I’d say that means you. Now, why is that so hard to swallow, huh?
I’ll tell you why: FEAR. That’s it. Okay, okay. There are other reasons too. Ignorance of what to do and how to do it is big as well. Also, misinformation, old ideas, childish habits and misconceptions, wounds and addictions that my be blocking you from receiving what you desire most in your heart of hearts and accepting what God is asking of you. Its complicated, its unclear, its messy, scary and hard. To many good people, it seems impossible. It shouldn’t be. It’s God’s plan, after all.
That’s why I’ve plunked down my hard-earned cash and my time – in between nursing a baby and wrestling a toddler – to create this website. After yet another wonderful person walked through my door yesterday with the same problems, fears, confusion, hurts and misconceptions that I see in so many Catholics and other seekers I’ve met (who seek me out, actually, on this issue), I have decided I have to write this stuff down. If for nothing else, it can be a go-to resource for those who are searching for good, reliable (Catholic) input on the matter.
I named this site “Grow Up and Marry” after an old pamphlet that a dear friend gave to me along with a bundle of antiquated Catholic literature that my husband and I (and many other nerdy-traditional-Catholic types love to collect). She sent a pic of it to my phone first, and I nearly busted a seam laughing at the title. It sounds like the sort of thing I would say, and probably have said to people on a few occasions.
If the sentiment seems too salty and brash for you – sorry. I hope you stick around and read anyway. I learned a lot of what I have to say from the ol’ salts at the ol’ A&A club (you know the one I mean) and that’s just the why we tend to speak to one another. Hard to light a fire under the backside of a donkey (or someone about die from despair) without a little heat and friction. Also, this stuff can get kind of heavy, and we absolutely CANNOT afford take our selves too seriously. My language about these matters will tend to reflect my past experience – which is not typical “nice” Catholic girl experience. More on that later.
“Grow Up and Marry,” the pamphlet by Frs. Raphael McCarthy S.J. and Daniel A. Lord S.J., is quite good. If you’re looking for it, it was published by The Queen’s Work, St. Louis, MO, 1945. I’ll cover it, and many other resources, as I continue. There’s so much to unpack, so bear with me as I work through these topics. I appreciate your feedback and your questions. This site is for me and for you. Its for fun and for free. At least at the moment. It is my hope and prayer that all who are wrestling with their inner demons may find value in these pages, and grow up in what ever ways they most need to – if not to marry, at least to fly straiter on the path to the ultimate happiness and fulfillment that God has for us, in this life and in the next.
Grow Up and Marry! 