Catholicism – Grow Up and Marry!

But What About Religious Life?

Recently, my husband and I were having dinner with another married couple we know. These two are devout, traditional Catholics. Although they have their share of hardship—neither one of them is perfect nor is their relationship perfect—it’s plain to see they love each other, and God, very much indeed.

As our husbands were talking in the kitchen, and my babies played on the floor, I sat down with the lady of the house and told her about this writing project I’m doing—”Grow Up and Marry.” She was thrilled, and agreed that far too many men and women of faith were just not finding each other and not getting married. We discussed how this is a perplexing problem for individuals and society, too. Not to mention the Catholic Church—which desperately needs to raise up a new generation of priests and religious to lift us out of this period of darkness and confusion we’re all going through on so many levels. Faithful Catholics around the globe are praying for priestly vocations, bombarding heaven for holy priests, bishops and also brothers and religious women, yet, how can that happen unless men and women of faith find each other, marry, and form faithful Catholic families? The wellspring of holy vocations, the source of new priests, brothers, nuns, and religious sisters is the christian home, afterall. Our future Bishops will arise from the willingness of a man and woman to come together in Holy Matrimony, love each other, and raise their children in the faith. What will become of us if Christian marriage falls out of fashion?

A Model for Success

As we talked my lovely friend turned to her experience with dating, marriage and discernment. She told me that she herself had some trouble figuring this stuff out at first, because for a long time she was certain she had a religious vocation. In fact, she said she’d spent four years actively pursuing religious life: praying the daily office, visiting convents, working with a vocation director. She even waited for her Bishop’s permission to create a new order, which to her deep disappointment, was finally denied to her. She said when these doors to religious life kept closing, she took it really hard, because she believed that consecrated religious life was the best way for her to be truly holy, and give everything to God.

I asked her what changed her mind about marriage. I mean, since she was so enthusiastic about becoming a sister, how did she end up getting on the path to marriage? My friend said it was her vocation director who triggered the idea in her mind. One day, while she was having a meeting with her, she simply said: “why don’t you try dating?”

The suggestion startled her. Having spent years in active pursuit of poverty, chastity and obedience, with none other than Jesus as her Betrothed, she had never seriously thought about looking around for a mere man to love. Her director related to her the observation that upon this novel suggestion her face had “lit up.” This momentary lightening of her countenance hinted to my friend that she indeed had some kind of desire for married life, deep in her heart. Yet the idea had always stood in conflict with her presuppositions about what she had to do in order to fully give herself to God.

Her director pointed out that if she truly had a vocation to marriage, she would probably become more holy through being married than she would be if she were to become a nun. That reasoning satisfied her enough to give dating a try.

My friend told me she’s the kind of person who puts her whole heart and soul into everything she attempts to do. (I can relate!) So she set about immediately searching for a man to spend her life with. That meant lots of prayer and lots of action. She created an online profile on a Catholic dating site, and let her friends and family know she was looking. Knowing her, I can assume she prayed ardently to find the spouse that God wanted for her. These are some of the same actions I took, and I highly recommend them. Let’s take a brief look at what she did.

Set up a profile

First of all, if you are serious about finding someone to share your life with—especially if you need or want to get on with your marriage vocation quickly—it would be foolish not to use these online tools. I will write more about everything I have learned firsthand about using online match-making sites; how to use them properly and to your best advantage, in another article. Suffice it to say, it is a very basic step in moving forward with marriage today. Once you have made a decision, and you are willing to take action, setting up an online profile is perhaps the most basic, concrete step you can begin to take right here and now. You may not actually meet your spouse that way—although it’s just as likely that you will. Yet this simple action will prove to you and to others that you mean business. If you are more than 26 years old, and you don’t think you need to use online dating to find someone who is free to marry, and genuinely shares your Catholic faith—in this society—I would suggest you need a reality check. If you’re still running around on the campus of a Catholic college, or young enough that the majority of the kids at your local Newman Center are about your age and single, then maybe you can skip it…but is that really your case?

Talk About it Openly

The other important step she took was to communicate openly about her desire for marriage with trusted people in her social circle. Why is this such a strange idea? If you were looking for housing, a car or job, wouldn’t you talk to everyone you know about it? Wouldn’t you ask your friends and family to let you know of any ‘leads?’ Many, many people meet their significant other through introductions by friends and family. These are the people that really know you, and they presumably know your values. They also want what’s best for you. You may feel embarrassed, but then, why should you? This is your future we’re talking about here. Are you not willing to be open and honest about your intentions? If you are not, perhaps you might need to turn to God in prayer and ask Him to give you the courage. It’s really important for you to be open and honest with yourself, God and others about this process. Failing to do so would be to let fear win the day. It is also a sign of immaturity. Decide now to leave immaturity behind. Be open and transparent about what you value, and what you are looking for in life. Ask, and you shall receive, seek and you shall find.

Check Your Judgement With People You trust

If you don’t have a trusting relationship with your family, and you’re sure they might try to discourage or undermine your success, you must turn even more to your friends and faith community. Talk with them about your desire for marriage. Talk with them about your new dating philosophy and goals. Ask them to pray for you to find a spouse, and to overcome whatever obstacles may be in your path that may be blocking you from fulfilling your vocation to holy marriage.

If you lack trustworthy, virtuous friends that you can share yourself with on an authentic basis, this is a problem that you need to rectify immediately if you hope to make good decisions about a potential partner. True friendship and authentic community is vitally important for any discernment process. You need their prayers, and you also need their input. Your friends will help you in some very important ways. If they care about you, and have good sense, they will help you avoid wasting your time with the wrong person. They may also help you in staying the course with the right person for you. They often can see you better than you can see yourself. This doesn’t mean your choice of spouse should be left up to them. God, with your cooperation and effort, will ultimately choose your spouse. Yet, you need your community to keep you on firm spiritual ground as you move through this process.

There are also practical benefits to talking about your marriage goals and ideals with people in your inner circle. Obviously, some of them will want to get involved in helping you find your next date. They may become enthusiastic about this, and by all means, let them! A helpful friend might invite you to a double date with them. A relative might know of a virtuous man or woman who is also looking, and look for a way to introduce the two of you. What a lovely, and wonderfully ‘old-fashioned’ way to meet someone! Those who plan parties or dinners may consider your needs when making invitations and seating arrangements. These can all lead to more dates, and thus more opportunities to grow. So talk to your people, and tell them what you’re doing.

“Stick with the winners”

Also, discuss your dating and discernment journey with people who are successful in this area themselves. Happily married, engaged and dating people have so much to teach you about what they did, and are doing, to make this stuff happen. By the same token, be wary of bending your ear to those who are not successful in relationships. Think about it, if you constantly surround yourself with people who have gotten nowhere with this process themselves; have had their relationships or marriages destroyed, are constantly getting stuck on the wrong person, or falling into sexual sin; can’t seem to find anyone; harbor deep resentments and fears about the opposite sex; or other issues that prevent them from finding a date, a serious relationship or a spouse, what do you think you will get? Do you really want to follow their lead? I don’t mean you have to ditch your single friends. But do focus your attention and conversation on those who are on the same hopeful path as you are; people who are where you want to be; who have made a lot of progress in this area of life. Discuss your situation with those whose lives demonstrate that they have learned a thing or two about this whole ‘grow up and marry’ thing. These people won’t have all the answers, but they will have a much more valuable perspective for you than someone who is chronically stuck. Above all, steer clear of venting, complaining and commiserating. It doesn’t work. As they say in 12 step recovery circles: “stick with the winners.”

“When man prays, God listens; when man obeys God acts.”

The issue of prayer in regards to vocation seeking is so fundamental, I’ll have to write at least one article dedicated to the subject. For now, I want to simply point out that my friend had already begun to develop herself spiritually in some important ways when she started her journey towards marriage. She was young and inexperienced, yet she was well formed in her faith, and had a deep sense of her obligation to God. She prayed daily, as I said, and was intent on carrying out God’s will in her life. She had already seized upon the courage that comes through a genuine faith. This faith did not lead her to inaction. On the contrary, trusting in her merciful Father enabled her to stand up and walk toward the good. The above quote comes from an old Oxford Group pamphlet I read a million years ago (the Oxford Groups was a Christian movement upon which Alcoholics Anonymous was founded at the beginning of the 20th century). I think this little aphorism sums up a key aspect of the true Christian attitude. It’s worth some reflection. I’ll put it this way: I really love and trust God, I will not lay around eating bonbons and then blame Him when nothing happens! I will get into action, seeking by all reasonable means to know and do his will for me, rather than relying on my own self-centered or misguided ideas. When I pray, I will pray “Thy will be done,” as Our Lord said.

How God Blessed Her Actions

My friend has a unique story. I will try to keep it general here because I haven’t asked her permission to publish it. I will say, though, that she did these things and they ended up working for her—almost miraculously, one might say. First, she made a decision to pursue marriage. She prayed to God about it frequently and ardently as she was accustomed to living a prayer-filled life, praying for God’s will to be done as she took action. She talked to her trusted friends and family about it. She created an online profile on one or more Catholic match-making websites.

Soon, she was contacted by a man on one of these sites. At first, she wasn’t too sure she liked his style of communicating, so she wrote him off—BUT—she knew better than to make decisions about her vocation in a vacuum. She discussed these things with a trusted spiritual friend who persuaded her to suspend her judgement, and give the guy a chance.

Good thing. It turned out that he was a wonderful man of faith with whom she had much in common. Not only that, it turned out that he had formerly lived with her brother—in the same monastery, actually. What an incredible coincidence! She discussed the matter with her brother, and was able to learn a lot from him about this man—his character, personality and values. What a heavenly help! She got a glowing and trustworthy endorsement from her brother, which seemed to confirm everything she was now learning about this guy through their initial meetings. Her attraction to this man grew as she learned and discovered more and more in their conversations and meetings together.

This man and woman had so much in common, not only because they had both ardently pursued religious life in the past, but because they both loved God. They both saw marriage as nothing less than God’s calling for them to aspire to holiness. They are now on this road to heaven together, fully dedicated to assisting each other through all the trials, sorrows and joys of this life. They pray together everyday, and the blessing of children is their most ardent prayer together. They are offering themselves to God, hand in hand. For them, matrimony is a holy vocation, and a promise of lifelong friendship, with the happy and natural enjoyment of shared intimacy, shared life, and shared suffering, made redemptive through Christ, especially through the grace of the Holy Sacrament of Matrimony.

Perhaps the principle here is that we can be mistaken about what God wants for us and from us; what specifically he’s calling us to do, even if we are following what appears to be holy inspiration. Sometimes our most cherished plans, even if well-intended, are really originating more from ourselves than from heaven. God always wants us to love and serve Him to our utmost. We can and should begin to do so right now. Yet a vocational commitment that requires certain circumstances and cooperation with others is a bit more complex. Doors do have to open—that’s up to God. Bold, deliberate and even tenacious action must be taken—that’s up to us. God is there to help us, not hinder us in our progress. We shouldn’t think that He is blocking us, but rather, directing us.

To cooperate with God requires humility, as well as open mindedness and perseverance. We have to follow His lead. He said “the meek shall inherit the earth.” The question is, am I willing to be meek to the will of God? For most of us, discipleship requires some real ego deflation. It requires us to grow beyond our unconscious assumptions about ourselves in order to find the truth of what God is really asking of us. We may not be called to the most honorable position society, or the most sublime conceivable role in the Church. God’s business for you may be more “down to earth” than you have previously imagined. Actions taken in true humility are certainly blessed by God, as the saints have shown us through the ages. Approached in this way, with humility, we know that God will help us to become as holy as we should.

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.

From the desire of being esteemed,

Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being loved…Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being extolled…Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being honored…Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being praised…Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being preferred to others…Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being consulted…Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being approved…Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of being humiliated…Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of being despised…Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of suffering rebukes…Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of being calumniated…Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of being forgotten…Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of being ridiculed…Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of being wronged…Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of being suspected…Deliver me, Jesus.

That others may be loved more than I,

Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be esteemed more than I…Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That, in the opinion of the world,

others may increase and I may decrease…Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be chosen and I set aside …Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be praised and I unnoticed …Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be preferred to me in everything…Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should…

Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

—The Litany of Humility

Should I Date Someone of a Different Faith?

Should people date only within their own religion, denomination or rite? Should Catholics date only Catholics?

This is a question that I have been asked by a reader who is quite serious about her Catholic faith, as am I. I will answer it immediately, since it really is an important issue for so many of us. The answer is: yes and no.

Here’s the thing: there are several phases of dating that we need to distinguish. There are also several different reasons and purposes for dating. I’ve noted these elsewhere and will continue to unpack them in the coming sections. What is true for one phase of dating is not necessarily true for another.

An ‘Open Door’ Policy

If you are one of those people who really needs help in the dating arena—say, you have trouble with the concept of dating in general; you’ve never really dated; you haven’t been on a date in a long time; you’ve been stuck in some kind of rut; you’re hung-up on the wrong person and not able to be open to anyone else—then I would urge you to practice an ‘open door’ policy with dating for a while.

Some might call this ‘casual dating.’ It’s a good description. After all, like my mother told me, all dating is casual, at least in the beginning. Yet for us, all dating is important. Don’t let the term casual dating suggest that this activity is not a vital and necessary growth challenge. No matter who you go out on a date with, or how unlikely you are to ever date them again, your willingness to carry out each date, and grow from it, is a step taken towards marriage—for you. This doesn’t mean each date is a step taken towards marriage with a particular person. This is such an important concept to grasp.

It’s About The Work

At this stage of dating, no matter who you go out with, or how many dates you go on, you are still a single person. You have more to learn—maybe a lot more to learn—about dating and relationships in general. You will benefit from all kinds of dating experiences at this stage. If you’re anything like me, when you finally do get into a dating situation where you are much more emotionally invested and the stakes are a lot higher, you will be grateful you did all the work you did while engaged in casual, exploratory, non-exclusive dating.

This work is about changing your mental and emotional ‘programming’— especially with regard to the opposite sex. This happens experientially. In other words you need practice. What will it take for you to become a person who dates? Someone who is comfortable with dating? Someone who gets a lot of dates? A man who is confident about asking women out on dates, and capable of carrying them out successfully? A woman who gets asked out on dates often, and knows how to handle these interactions with poise and good humor? How can dating become a normal part of the social landscape for you?

I believe growth and wisdom is gained through through experience. A doctor has to do years of field work with real people before he’s fully qualified, no matter how smart or well informed he is. Yes, standards are going to be very important indeed. However, when the first step toward the goal of marriage is dating itself—a changed attitude around dating, and a new experience of dating, those standards should be fairly simple and few.

Here’s the rule of thumb for the single person who has plenty to learn about the dating dance:

ANYONE courageous, friendly and well-intentioned enough to politely ask you out, deserves a half-hour of your time.

This goes for both men and women, respectively. It takes a great deal of courage for most people to ask anyone out on a date. You already know that much about this person, from the outset. They have some chutzpah. They also have an expressed intention to go on a date with you. Which already makes them more appropriate than someone who doesn’t want to go out with you!

In all charity, such a person deserves at least a brief hearing. Afterall, this person, regardless of their appearance, age, race, weight, etc., has valuable information for you. He or she is your key to growth. If this person is well-intentioned (and well, normal) enough to have a cup of coffee and a half-hour of conversation in a public place, then you should say yes. You need to say yes to that simple activity, and be willing to learn whatever you can about yourself and about life by following through.

Every Dating Experience Helps

I am telling you this because I practiced it myself. I went on many dates. I went on simple, uncomplicated dates with men who did not meet all of my criteria for a husband—or even for an exclusive dating partner. They did however meet the criteria necessary to go on one or two dates—the kind of casual dates that enabled me to practice dating.

These men rendered me a great service; they made it possible for me to date actual human beings! Going on dates with a less-than-perfect-match helped me vastly improve my communication skills, explore my feelings in relation to the opposite sex, and even heal certain traumatic memories (Oh, yes, its true. More on how to do this later). By cooperating with someone of the opposite sex, specifically on the project of dating, I learned about my needs, desires and fears in the context of dating, and had a nice enough time doing it, in most cases.

All these gentlemen helped me with an important task: they helped me grow closer to becoming capable of marriage. They helped me develop in wisdom and maturity, bringing me closer to my marriage goal. They helped me to become the kind of woman that a man like my husband could love, and to whom he could make his life-long commitment of fidelity.

I dated all sorts of men, even those I didn’t particularly like, because it was in my own best interest. If this sounds selfish, it really isn’t. I truly believe that each man I encountered while dating casually benefitted from these experiences, too. With few exceptions, these men, who were also working on their own personal goals, came away having learned more about their own values and worthiness because of how we interacted with each other on those dates. If nothing else, they learned, if they didn’t already know, that they can ask a girl out on a date, and she can say yes, and they can have a good time. I believe it is the behavior of women that informs men what is expected of them to a large degree, and how they are valued, and ultimately shapes the culture.

I Arrived at My Own Conclusions

Now, is it wise to enter into an exclusive dating relationship with someone who does not share your faith? You’ll have to make that determination yourself. The Catholic Church advises against it. I found out that, for me, it’s not a good idea. My parents are of different denominations, and this has cost them a great deal in terms of unity, and passing on any religious faith to us kids, I believe. It was so difficult to understand what to believe or how to act when my parents couldn’t agree on such important matters. I think I still experience troubles and doubts in the faith area because of my parents’ lack of unity. Maybe you can relate. But that’s another story.

I personally don’t recommend marrying anyone who differs on such a fundamental level from you. If you do believe God is really calling you to this particular cross, you’d better be guided every step of the way by a priest or spiritual director you trust. It’s a very difficult road indeed. For Catholics, it requires special dispensation, along with the express promise that the children will be baptized and brought-up Catholic. Inter-religious marriage for Catholics is permissible, but not beneficial.

The good news is, unless you are dealing with a specific person you are dating exclusively right now, it really doesn’t matter. For myself, as I was learning to date, I kept a very open mind on this issue, because I knew I first needed to work on dating, communicating and interacting with men in general. So I started off by dating men, in general.

Through dating various men of different ages, religions, backgrounds, temperaments, racial extractions—I slowly came to realize how important the matter of shared faith is for me. This is one of the many things I learned by actually going out on dates. When I met the man who eventually became my husband, I realized that his remarkable qualities of faith and devotion outweighed many other concerns I might have been more bothered about ‘on-paper.’ I could evaluate our compatibilty in a more realistic way, because I had done a lot of work in this area already. I had learned, through dating, certain qualities that I always considered important to me before, were actually less important to me than this one thing. This knowledge enabled me to value my husband for his spiritual and moral qualities and let a number of other lesser issues go.

This sifting through qualities and assigning them the appropriate value is such an important part of the process of discernment. No partnership will be without its share of conflict. You will make some compromises for your spouse, as they will for you. I learned to what lengths I was willing to stretch myself to be with someone who has the virtue of faith to a great degree, because it became so very important to me. My past experience gave me much needed motivation to stay the course.

All that being established, if you are Catholic, and want to limit your dating pool to Catholics, I think this is a wise idea. If you are using online dating sites, you should obviously give priority to members who match you in the faith category, especially if faith is very important to you. I initially had trouble finding a large enough pool of Catholic men to date as often as I needed to work my dating ‘program’, as it were, so I broadened my circle to include Evangelicals and other Christians, with whom I had enough in common (at the time) to at least consider as potential partners. I also went on plenty of dates with men of no particular faith, as long as they were interested and polite enough to ask me.

Being Honest

I actually never said ‘no’ to a date on the basis of religion. I did say ‘no’ several times on the basis of chastity. This was certainly true early on in my journey. There were times that even though part of me would just love to get involved with this person, I had to admit that our mutual interest was laden with impure intentions, and dating this person would almost certainly lead to sexual sin.

I have to admit I’ve had to break away from dating someone who’s faith was outside of credal Christianity (he was a Jahova’s Witness). This was a bit of a challenge as we were very attracted to each other. Yet, I could easily see that the attraction was superficial in the end, because we knew that our religious differences were a ‘deal breaker’ for both of us. It took fortitude to say ‘no, thank you’ to that one. I had a similar challenge breaking away from a few different agnostic/atheist men I dated over the years. Yet, I learned how to bow out gracefully before things went too far. Even when I did screw-up in this regard, I learned. I made use of the Sacrament of Confession and I learned. Even without falling into sin, I learned from all of them.

Chastity is a real challenge for most of us. Things did happen more often with atheists, agnostics and non-Christians, who had no qualms about sexual activity outside of marriage. But here’s the thing: I also had problems staying chaste with devout Christians and Catholics, too. If you are having difficulty with purity and chastity yourself, and you think dating only within your faith will prevent anything inappropriate from happening, I would suggest this is more of a spiritual problem between you and God, than a problem with the other person’s beliefs. Chastity starts with your willingness to be honest with yourself, God and others. Each situation will require rigorous honesty, and willingness to act on your principles, among other things.

It is this very practice of honesty—with yourself, with God and with the people you encounter in the dating dance, that will enable you to grow up and marry.

You Must Go to Seed

“I am the true vine; and my Father is the husbandman. Every branch in me, that beareth not fruit, he will take away: and every one that beareth fruit, he will purge it, that it may bring forth more fruit.”
-Jesus
John 15:1–17

Working on this website has already helped me clarify a few things. I’ve been busy, like a gardener, filling in fields with words. It’s a bit like writing a social media post or sending a text to a friend. The difference is, what I’m writing here is meant to stay put and take root. The ideas are accumulating and becoming more clear.

“Well, it’s nothing really new,” my husband interjects. “Writing things down always helps to organize one’s thoughts.”

There’s something different about this work, though. I find myself making lists; collecting all the different topics, rationales, people who may be my intended readers. There’s so much variety, so much to pull together, it begs the question: what is the underlying message? I mean, what does a recovering alcoholic, an old family friend, someone from church, an admirer of my art, or a student—what do they all have in common as an audience? What’s the essence of the thing I have to share with them all? What brings them all into my world to hear what I have to say? Why do I want so much to say this thing to them?

A Dream of Love

I keep seeing this image and I want to share it with you. It comes from a powerful dream I had once. Its a real ‘Queen of Dreams,’ one of the few that stands above all others, like a star in the gloom of memory, static and true, illuminating the things below:

I’m at the studio in Seattle—which is really the old garage at my father’s house. I’m standing outside of the building, on the grass, where the bushes and vines are growing thickly around the hundred year-old structure. I look up: out of a hidden place beneath the overhanging roof, there comes a vine. It’s not an ordinary vine. It seems to emanate from inside the studio somewhere, growing out from the dark places underneath the roof. The vine grows toward me as I stand there, looking up, dazzled by its rapid growth. At once it delivers, down to my outstretched hand, a fruit. Not just any fruit, though—the most glorious, supernatural, beatific fruit I could ever imagine. It’s gigantic. It’s like a peach, but it is much more than a peach. Something impossibly good. Just to look upon it is to taste it’s goodness. Beholding it, I am overcome with love.

Fruitfulness—that is the greatest gift I could have been given. And the vision of that ‘Beatific Fruit’ is the message I have to give to you, dear reader. I want you to hear this, because I want you to have what your heart desires most in this world. It’s not just about getting married; there’s a much more fundamental process going on underneath all that. If you don’t attend to it, I’m afraid you may miss the opportunity to realize your dreams of love.

Our Lord commanded us to be fruitful and multiply. It’s so simple. This is what He wants from us. His imperative for us is not just about conceiving and giving birth to children—it certainly is about that in many instances, don’t be mistaken—but it’s also something more. Our Creator designed us to live and to germinate. We are His seeds.

Tell me, have you ever seen a seed germinate in the most unlikely of places? Ever seen a poor, hopeful bean sprout from a wet napkin? A lone flower push through a little crack in the concrete? Life finds a way. Life tries at all costs. Life is tenacious. Life obeys the imperative: be fruitful. That’s what He commanded us to do. Do it however you possibly can and to the fullest measure that you can. Find the light. Grow. Push through. Send down roots until you find the water. Push forth vines until you find the sun. Go to seed. You must go to seed.

When I was a little girl, I remember delighting in the ‘helicopter’ seed-pods that fell from the trees in our neighborhood. A breeze would come and you’d see them falling slowly through the air like little paratroopers. They’d spin around and catch the wind and end up all over the place. Some landed right underneath the mother tree, some spun and flew so far they’d make it into a neighboring yard; maybe to get covered by other leaves and rain and perhaps they’d germinate there. We can hope. Or else they’d land on the hard sidewalk, or on some other man-made surface, doomed to die.

They couldn’t all make it, of course. Yet each one of those little seeds was designed with an intricate plan inside them that enabled them to try—not necessarily to succeed—but to try and land in a good place where they could germinate and take root. Somehow or other, in the project of life, we all must try. We must try with all the tenacity of every living thing that God brought forth into this world. We are filled with God’s plan. If nothing else, we are filled with one, basic imperative from our Creator: go to seed. Germinate. Reproduce.

We must, must find a way to go to seed, or else die barren and cursed as that wretched fig tree that failed to give fruit when Jesus commanded it. This is what we don’t always like to hear. Catholics ought to know it, but more often these days, we don’t. We think like the world. We spend our lives accumulating prestige and comfort. We doubt the teachings of the Church; we convince ourselves we are within the bounds of the law. We withhold our fruit.

Lavinia Fontana (Italian, 1552–1614), “Noli me tangere,” 1581. Oil on canvas.

Be fruitful. At all costs and by all means, be fruitful and multiply. Plunge deep into the soil and find the water. Stretch up, and around and out—push through the obstructions, towards the light. You must.

I urge you not to make some of the same mistakes I did. Don’t leave our Lord with His hand outstretched and empty. Make the sacrifice. Don’t have the abortion; go back to your family and ask for help. Don’t just hang around cohabitating with that woman; marry her and set things right. Don’t drift through life looking for the next distraction; find a way to serve and sink yourself into that vocation. Don’t just hang around single—or deliberately, selfishly childless with your spouse, accumulating money and possessions to please yourself ; bear children—conceive, adopt or foster them—and pass on what you have to give. Don’t give up on God; search your own conscience, confess your sins, and try again. Don’t wallow in your heartbreak and disappointment; lighten your burden and ride the wind. Get yourself quickly to a better place where you may find soil enough to take root—you don’t have time to waste.

Sooner or later, we must all “go to seed.” That’s farmer lingo for reproduce. I guess I learned it from my dad, who grew up pretty poor, farming and raising animals for sustenance with his parents in rural Washington. When you see a plant making fruit, it’s going to seed. It knows it’s going to die soon, actually, and now it’s putting forth its greatest effort.

When I look up at the wall above our family table, I see a large crucifix hanging there. Thus, when I look at my own life, I can easily say: the end is near. Momento mori: remember your death. This sounds morbid, but it isn’t really. It’s the gospel: repent, for the The Kingdom of Heaven is at hand.

Haven’t we had enough of our selfish, self-seeking selves already? Haven’t we been injured enough from our self-centered attempts to control every outcome? To win every argument? Sooner or later we must let go of our selfishness. We must repent, die to self, and let that rotting, dead matter become fertilizer for the LIFE that God wants to germinate in us. Thus, what is really true and lasting in us—what is of God, can be reborn.

It’s critical in this mysterious process of surrender (that’s what this is all about really), that we identify with the part of ourselves that comes from God—the eternal, true, living part; not the passing away, rotting, dead part. If we cling to the dead part, we will be cut away, along with the dead things, and thrown to the burn-pile. That’s the way of the Gardener. He brings order to the wilderness in this way. He plants, prunes, nurtures, grafts, harvests, separates, and burns the trash. Take heed. Whichever part we cling to the most will determine where we end up. Cling to the true Vine. Let go of the dead things in yourself. Let God prune those away so you can live.

This all may seem rather esoteric and abstract. There will be more practical advice and input coming soon, I promise. But for now, let these images begin to prepare and fertilize the soil of your heart. Perhaps I am mixing too many metaphors here—I’m not as brilliant a poet as our Lord. Yet, maybe this eclectic, messy mixture will yield something good as we think together about what it may actually take, in your case, to “grow up and marry.”

Emotional Maturity (Part 1)

Emotional maturity, according Fr. Raphael McCarthy S.J., the author of the 1945 booklet after which this website is named, is the ability to regulate one’s emotions in proportion to the situation. To “manage his own emotional responses.” I can imagine an intelligent, accomplished woman reading this right now and thinking: “I’m emotionally mature. I’m 35. I have a master’s degree.” Or a man saying to himself, “That isn’t my problem. It’s my mom and sisters who are always freaking out. I’m the calm, reasonable one.”

Well, according to Fr. McCarthy, emotional immaturity, and all its attendant miseries, was a problem for many of the good people he encountered as a priest helping couples and families in his day.

“People just do not grow up. One of the parties in the marriage remains emotionally immature. He or she goes on playing a child’s game in a state of life that demands the emotions and feelings of an adult.”

The biggest difference between the demographic Fr. McCarthy was dealing with back in the 40s, and the people he would most likely meet today, is this: back then, people got into relationships with other human beings, and usually ended up married. Hopefully, most were able to grow up and out of their deficiencies together, or at least to practice acceptance, thus living out their marital promises. Yet, today, many people don’t even bother. They despair, actually. They never embrace the necessary challenge that marriage entails. Anticipating that marriage requires a certain degree of emotional maturity to succeed, they avoid marriage altogether. In fact, many of them don’t even attempt to date!

From the reading, one gets the sense that the couples Fr. McCarthy was counseling were young, naive, and eager to marry. This is presumably because in 1945, when people felt a strong attraction to each other, or just really wanted to have sex, that’s what they did. By contrast, the people I’m encountering in my circles are usually older—30s and 40s or beyond. Although they might have assumed marriage as inevitable (that’s a bit different than having a desire), they realize now that its just not happening. Some are perplexed and desperate to figure it out before it’s too late. But many are so diffident, confused and frankly afraid, that they fail to get out of their comfort zone. They say they probably should get married, and yet that they seem to avoid the real issues that come up when they think about what marriage may mean for their specific case.

This trend is not limited to non-religious people who say they have no moral objection to drifting from one meaningless sexual-encounter to another; living with someone until they inevitably go their separate ways; substituting porn, fantasy and masturbation for a genuine relationship with an actual human being. I always try to encourage these people, many of whom I love dearly, to find a better way. What’s more astounding, though, is that I see many of the same self-sabotaging beliefs and patterns among faithful Catholics—and I mean ardent Catholics who accept the teachings of the Church, attend mass once or more a week, and go to Confession!

What’s the deal? Why are good-looking, intelligent, well-formed, faithful Catholics (and other conscientious people) failing to form relationships that leads to marriage? Let’s look at the idea of ’emotional maturity’ again. I honestly feel like a hypocrite talking about this, because I am not exactly a poster-child for emotional maturity myself. Who am I to lecture anyone about it? On the other hand, even though I am not perfect, I did get married.

Let me reiterate how non-perfect I am: I was an alcoholic stoner in my twenties who slept around—and around— looking for Mr. Goodbar. I had an abortion, and then developed a severe anxiety disorder. My biggest fear at the time was not so much dying of alcoholism—although that could have happened—rather, it was a vision of myself as an old woman with no friends, no family and no love in her life; peering out of windows and muttering psychotically to herself. I could see my life headed toward a desperate end. In fact, inside, despite my apparent successes, I was already desperate. I was, as they say, “spiritually bankrupt.” So I asked for help.

I had no faith to speak of, but I was okay with the “God-thing,” as long as it wasn’t Church. I entered that anonymous club for extremely imperfect people (you know, the one with the 12 Steps?). I made a decision, by God’s grace, to change—and change and change and change! I agreed, as a part of that huge undertaking, that I was going to keep changing and growing and transforming, according to whatever God wanted me to do and be, as a way of life. I agreed to throw away my old ideas and become like a little child, in order to grow up. I’m still living according to that initial agreement with God. Everything that I have, including my marriage, is built on it.

That’s the ironic thing. To develop any degree of emotional maturity—at least enough to quit drinking and doing self-destructive things, I had to become truly child-like. I had to “let go and let God” manage my life—including my emotions. This seems like a rather spiritual and mysterious proposition, and believe me, it was and is. To grow up at all, I had to put my pride on the altar of sacrifice, and ‘become a child’ in the way Jesus told us that we must be, or else lose the Kingdom.

Why ‘Grow Up and Marry’?

Well, that’s the 64 trillion dollar question. The short answer is this: because you were called by God to do this. Most likely. I’m going to point out here that as a Roman Catholic, I am grateful that there is a small fraction of humanity who are specifically called by God to remain celibate, and in many of those cases, to consecrate their lives publicly to God through The Sacrament of Holy Orders or through some other form of what we Catholics call ‘religious life.’ And this is extremely good. These people need our support in every way. Even for those who are not able to do formal consecration for one reason or another, there are many who have been handed a cross – a spiritual challenge – to remain unmarried and to serve God in some other way on Earth. Many amazing people carry this cross, with God’s help, because it is absolutely the best thing for them to do, and they will surely have their reward. But, guess what? That’s NOT most people!

“Certainly the whole subject of marriage is of the greatest interest to the majority of people. It should be. It was intended that most people should marry, and most people do marry.”
Fr. Raphael C. McCarthy, S.J. (1945)

This is something that so many of my Catholic friends, both men and women, young and old, keep getting confused: the vocation to religious life is not what MOST people are called to do! It’s also not a default escape route for someone who is having a tough time figuring out how to navigate the social, emotional, spiritual and biological realities that pertain to attraction, dating, courtship, love, marriage, sexuality, childbirth, parenting, providing for a family and so on. The odds are, if you’re reading this, you are probably supposed to grow-up and marry, if you haven’t already. Perhaps you already suspect that this is true, but you just don’t want to admit it – yet.

Let’s say you’re not married. You have been telling yourself, maybe for a long time, that you probably should pursue religious life. But is this really true in your case? Come on.

Okay, it may be true. If it is, go find a vocation director at once and discuss it with them. Go ahead. But if you’re reading this, you know there is probably another side. The thing is this: you, like the vast majority of human beings on earth, including your ancestors, are probably meant to marry and have children. In fact, we are all biologically designed for it. Yet to actually do this, as you are beginning to suspect, you probably have some serious growing up to do. Also, you realize the clock is ticking (this is especially true for women, but men also need to pay attention to this), so you know need to figure this stuff out fast. So what are you waiting for? Not making a decision IS a decision, and it has consequences. Besides, even if you don’t manage to accomplish all this, it’s definitely God’s natural plan for human flourishing. So what excuse do you really have not to try? To “grow up and marry” is, for the vast majority of people, the natural, normal, just, spiritual, practical, smart, prudent, strategic, wise, joyful, blessed, privileged, hopeful, righteous thing to do. And if I were betting, I’d say that means you. Now, why is that so hard to swallow, huh?

I’ll tell you why: FEAR. That’s it. Okay, okay. There are other reasons too. Ignorance of what to do and how to do it is big as well. Also, misinformation, old ideas, childish habits and misconceptions, wounds and addictions that my be blocking you from receiving what you desire most in your heart of hearts and accepting what God is asking of you. Its complicated, its unclear, its messy, scary and hard. To many good people, it seems impossible. It shouldn’t be. It’s God’s plan, after all.

That’s why I’ve plunked down my hard-earned cash and my time – in between nursing a baby and wrestling a toddler – to create this website. After yet another wonderful person walked through my door yesterday with the same problems, fears, confusion, hurts and misconceptions that I see in so many Catholics and other seekers I’ve met (who seek me out, actually, on this issue), I have decided I have to write this stuff down. If for nothing else, it can be a go-to resource for those who are searching for good, reliable (Catholic) input on the matter.

I named this site “Grow Up and Marry” after an old pamphlet that a dear friend gave to me along with a bundle of antiquated Catholic literature that my husband and I (and many other nerdy-traditional-Catholic types love to collect). She sent a pic of it to my phone first, and I nearly busted a seam laughing at the title. It sounds like the sort of thing I would say, and probably have said to people on a few occasions.

If the sentiment seems too salty and brash for you – sorry. I hope you stick around and read anyway. I learned a lot of what I have to say from the ol’ salts at the ol’ A&A club (you know the one I mean) and that’s just the why we tend to speak to one another. Hard to light a fire under the backside of a donkey (or someone about die from despair) without a little heat and friction. Also, this stuff can get kind of heavy, and we absolutely CANNOT afford take our selves too seriously. My language about these matters will tend to reflect my past experience – which is not typical “nice” Catholic girl experience. More on that later.

“Grow Up and Marry,” the pamphlet by Frs. Raphael McCarthy S.J. and Daniel A. Lord S.J., is quite good. If you’re looking for it, it was published by The Queen’s Work, St. Louis, MO, 1945. I’ll cover it, and many other resources, as I continue. There’s so much to unpack, so bear with me as I work through these topics. I appreciate your feedback and your questions. This site is for me and for you. Its for fun and for free. At least at the moment. It is my hope and prayer that all who are wrestling with their inner demons may find value in these pages, and grow up in what ever ways they most need to – if not to marry, at least to fly straiter on the path to the ultimate happiness and fulfillment that God has for us, in this life and in the next.