Category Archives: emotions

Should I Date Someone of a Different Faith?

Should people date only within their own religion, denomination or rite? Should Catholics date only Catholics?

This is a question that I have been asked by a reader who is quite serious about her Catholic faith, as am I. I will answer it immediately, since it really is an important issue for so many of us. The answer is: yes and no.

Here’s the thing: there are several phases of dating that we need to distinguish. There are also several different reasons and purposes for dating. I’ve noted these elsewhere and will continue to unpack them in the coming sections. What is true for one phase of dating is not necessarily true for another.

An ‘Open Door’ Policy

If you are one of those people who really needs help in the dating arena—say, you have trouble with the concept of dating in general; you’ve never really dated; you haven’t been on a date in a long time; you’ve been stuck in some kind of rut; you’re hung-up on the wrong person and not able to be open to anyone else—then I would urge you to practice an ‘open door’ policy with dating for a while. 

Some might call this ‘casual dating.’ It’s a good description. After all, like my mother told me, all dating is casual, at least in the beginning. Yet for us, all dating is important. Don’t let the term casual dating suggest that this activity is not a vital and necessary growth challenge. No matter who you go out on a date with, or how unlikely you are to ever date them again, your willingness to carry out each date, and grow from it, is a step taken towards marriage—for you. This doesn’t mean each date is a step taken towards marriage with a particular person. This is such an important concept to grasp. 

It’s About The Work

At this stage of dating, no matter who you go out with, or how many dates you go on, you are still a single person. You have more to learn—maybe a lot more to learn—about dating and relationships in general. You will benefit from all kinds of dating experiences at this stage. If you’re anything like me, when you finally do get into a dating situation where you are much more emotionally invested and the stakes are a lot higher, you will be grateful you did all the work you did while engaged in casual, exploratory, non-exclusive dating.

This work is about changing your mental and emotional ‘programming’— especially with regard to the opposite sex. This happens experientially. In other words you need practice. What will it take for you to become a person who dates? Someone who is comfortable with dating? Someone who gets a lot of dates? A man who is confident about asking women out on dates, and capable of carrying them out successfully? A woman who gets asked out on dates often, and knows how to handle these interactions with poise and good humor? How can dating become a normal part of the social landscape for you? 

I believe growth and wisdom is gained through through experience. A doctor has to do years of field work with real people before he’s fully qualified, no matter how smart or well informed he is. Yes, standards are going to be very important indeed. However, when the first step toward the goal of marriage is dating itself—a changed attitude around dating, and a new experience of dating, those standards should be fairly simple and few. 

Here’s the rule of thumb for the single person who has plenty to learn about the dating dance: 

ANYONE courageous, friendly and well-intentioned enough to politely ask you out, deserves a half-hour of your time. 

This goes for both men and women, respectively. It takes a great deal of courage for most people to ask anyone out on a date. You already know that much about this person, from the outset. They have some chutzpah. They also have an expressed intention to go on a date with you. Which already makes them more appropriate than someone who doesn’t want to go out with you! 

In all charity, such a person deserves at least a brief hearing. Afterall, this person, regardless of their appearance, age, race, weight, etc., has valuable information for you. He or she is your key to growth. If this person is well-intentioned (and well, normal) enough to have a cup of coffee and a half-hour of conversation in a public place, then you should say yes. You need to say yes to that simple activity, and be willing to learn whatever you can about yourself and about life by following through.

Every Dating Experience Helps

I am telling you this because I practiced it myself. I went on many dates. I went on simple, uncomplicated dates with men who did not meet all of my criteria for a husband—or even for an exclusive dating partner. They did however meet the criteria necessary to go on one or two dates—the kind of casual dates that enabled me to practice dating. 

These men rendered me a great service; they made it possible for me to date actual human beings! Going on dates with a less-than-perfect-match helped me vastly improve my communication skills, explore my feelings in relation to the opposite sex, and even heal certain traumatic memories (Oh, yes, its true. More on how to do this later). By cooperating with someone of the opposite sex, specifically on the project of dating, I learned about my needs, desires and fears in the context of dating, and had a nice enough time doing it, in most cases.

All these gentlemen helped me with an important task: they helped me grow closer to becoming capable of marriage. They helped me develop in wisdom and maturity, bringing me closer to my marriage goal. They helped me to become the kind of woman that a man like my husband could love, and to whom he could make his life-long commitment of fidelity.

I dated all sorts of men, even those I didn’t particularly like, because it was in my own best interest. If this sounds selfish, it really isn’t. I truly believe that each man I encountered while dating casually benefitted from these experiences, too. With few exceptions, these men, who were also working on their own personal goals, came away having learned more about their own values and worthiness because of how we interacted with each other on those dates. If nothing else, they learned, if they didn’t already know, that they can ask a girl out on a date, and she can say yes, and they can have a good time. I believe it is the behavior of women that informs men what is expected of them to a large degree, and how they are valued, and ultimately shapes the culture.

I Arrived at My Own Conclusions

Now, is it wise to enter into an exclusive dating relationship with someone who does not share your faith? You’ll have to make that determination yourself. The Catholic Church advises against it. I found out that, for me, it’s not a good idea. My parents are of different denominations, and this has cost them a great deal in terms of unity, and passing on any religious faith to us kids, I believe. It was so difficult to understand what to believe or how to act when my parents couldn’t agree on such important matters. I think I still experience troubles and doubts in the faith area because of my parents’ lack of unity. Maybe you can relate. But that’s another story.

I personally don’t recommend marrying anyone who differs on such a fundamental level from you. If you do believe God is really calling you to this particular cross, you’d better be guided every step of the way by a priest or spiritual director you trust. It’s a very difficult road indeed. For Catholics, it requires special dispensation, along with the express promise that the children will be baptized and brought-up Catholic. Inter-religious marriage for Catholics is permissible, but not beneficial. 

The good news is, unless you are dealing with a specific person you are dating exclusively right now, it really doesn’t matter. For myself, as I was learning to date, I kept a very open mind on this issue, because I knew I first needed to work on dating, communicating and interacting with men in general. So I started off by dating men, in general. 

Through dating various men of different ages, religions, backgrounds, temperaments, racial extractions—I slowly came to realize how important the matter of shared faith is for me. This is one of the many things I learned by actually going out on dates. When I met the man who eventually became my husband, I realized that his remarkable qualities of faith and devotion outweighed many other concerns I might have been more bothered about ‘on-paper.’ I could evaluate our compatibilty in a more realistic way, because I had done a lot of work in this area already. I had learned, through dating, certain qualities that I always considered important to me before, were actually less important to me than this one thing. This knowledge enabled me to value my husband for his spiritual and moral qualities and let a number of other lesser issues go. 

This sifting through qualities and assigning them the appropriate value is such an important part of the process of discernment. No partnership will be without its share of conflict. You will make some compromises for your spouse, as they will for you. I learned to what lengths I was willing to stretch myself to be with someone who has the virtue of faith to a great degree, because it became so very important to me. My past experience gave me much needed motivation to stay the course. 

All that being established, if you are Catholic, and want to limit your dating pool to Catholics, I think this is a wise idea. If you are using online dating sites, you should obviously give priority to members who match you in the faith category, especially if faith is very important to you. I initially had trouble finding a large enough pool of Catholic men to date as often as I needed to work my dating ‘program’, as it were, so I broadened my circle to include Evangelicals and other Christians, with whom I had enough in common (at the time) to at least consider as potential partners. I also went on plenty of dates with men of no particular faith, as long as they were interested and polite enough to ask me. 

Being Honest 

I actually never said ‘no’ to a date on the basis of religion. I did say ‘no’ several times on the basis of chastity. This was certainly true early on in my journey. There were times that even though part of me would just love to get involved with this person, I had to admit that our mutual interest was laden with impure intentions, and dating this person would almost certainly lead to sexual sin.

I have to admit I’ve had to break away from dating someone who’s faith was outside of credal Christianity (he was a Jahova’s Witness). This was a bit of a challenge as we were very attracted to each other. Yet, I could easily see that the attraction was superficial in the end, because we knew that our religious differences were a ‘deal breaker’ for both of us. It took fortitude to say ‘no, thank you’ to that one. I had a similar challenge breaking away from a few different agnostic/atheist men I dated over the years. Yet, I learned how to bow out gracefully before things went too far. Even when I did screw-up in this regard, I learned. I made use of the Sacrament of Confession and I learned. Even without falling into sin, I learned from all of them. 

Chastity is a real challenge for most of us. Things did happen more often with atheists, agnostics and non-Christians, who had no qualms about sexual activity outside of marriage. But here’s the thing: I also had problems staying chaste with devout Christians and Catholics, too. If you are having difficulty with purity and chastity yourself, and you think dating only within your faith will prevent anything inappropriate from happening, I would suggest this is more of a spiritual problem between you and God, than a problem with the other person’s beliefs. Chastity starts with your willingness to be honest with yourself, God and others. Each situation will require rigorous honesty, and willingness to act on your principles, among other things. 

It is this very practice of honesty—with yourself, with God and with the people you encounter in the dating dance, that will enable you to grow up and marry.

Emotional Maturity (Part 1)

Emotional maturity, according Fr. Raphael McCarthy S.J., the author of the 1945 booklet after which this website is named, is the ability to regulate one’s emotions in proportion to the situation. To “manage his own emotional responses.” I can imagine an intelligent, accomplished woman reading this right now and thinking: “I’m emotionally mature. I’m 35. I have a master’s degree.” Or a man saying to himself, “That isn’t my problem. It’s my mom and sisters who are always freaking out. I’m the calm, reasonable one.”

Well, according to Fr. McCarthy, emotional immaturity, and all its attendant miseries, was a problem for many of the good people he encountered as a priest helping couples and families in his day.

“People just do not grow up. One of the parties in the marriage remains emotionally immature. He or she goes on playing a child’s game in a state of life that demands the emotions and feelings of an adult.”

The biggest difference between the demographic Fr. McCarthy was dealing with back in the 40s, and the people he would most likely meet today, is this: back then, people got into relationships with other human beings, and usually ended up married. Hopefully, most were able to grow up and out of their deficiencies together, or at least to practice acceptance, thus living out their marital promises. Yet, today, many people don’t even bother. They despair, actually. They never embrace the necessary challenge that marriage entails. Anticipating that marriage requires a certain degree of emotional maturity to succeed, they avoid marriage altogether. In fact, many of them don’t even attempt to date!

From the reading, one gets the sense that the couples Fr. McCarthy was counseling were young, naive, and eager to marry. This is presumably because in 1945, when people felt a strong attraction to each other, or just really wanted to have sex, that’s what they did. By contrast, the people I’m encountering in my circles are usually older—30s and 40s or beyond. Although they might have assumed marriage as inevitable (that’s a bit different than having a desire), they realize now that its just not happening. Some are perplexed and desperate to figure it out before it’s too late. But many are so diffident, confused and frankly afraid, that they fail to get out of their comfort zone. They say they probably should get married, and yet that they seem to avoid the real issues that come up when they think about what marriage may mean for their specific case.

This trend is not limited to non-religious people who say they have no moral objection to drifting from one meaningless sexual-encounter to another; living with someone until they inevitably go their separate ways; substituting porn, fantasy and masturbation for a genuine relationship with an actual human being. I always try to encourage these people, many of whom I love dearly, to find a better way. What’s more astounding, though, is that I see many of the same self-sabotaging beliefs and patterns among faithful Catholics—and I mean ardent Catholics who accept the teachings of the Church, attend mass once or more a week, and go to Confession!

What’s the deal? Why are good-looking, intelligent, well-formed, faithful Catholics (and other conscientious people) failing to form relationships that leads to marriage? Let’s look at the idea of ’emotional maturity’ again. I honestly feel like a hypocrite talking about this, because I am not exactly a poster-child for emotional maturity myself. Who am I to lecture anyone about it? On the other hand, even though I am not perfect, I did get married.

Let me reiterate how non-perfect I am: I was an alcoholic stoner in my twenties who slept around—and around— looking for Mr. Goodbar. I had an abortion, and then developed a severe anxiety disorder. My biggest fear at the time was not so much dying of alcoholism—although that could have happened—rather, it was a vision of myself as an old woman with no friends, no family and no love in her life; peering out of windows and muttering psychotically to herself. I could see my life headed toward a desperate end. In fact, inside, despite my apparent successes, I was already desperate. I was, as they say, “spiritually bankrupt.” So I asked for help.

I had no faith to speak of, but I was okay with the “God-thing,” as long as it wasn’t Church. I entered that anonymous club for extremely imperfect people (you know, the one with the 12 Steps?). I made a decision, by God’s grace, to change—and change and change and change! I agreed, as a part of that huge undertaking, that I was going to keep changing and growing and transforming, according to whatever God wanted me to do and be, as a way of life. I agreed to throw away my old ideas and become like a little child, in order to grow up. I’m still living according to that initial agreement with God. Everything that I have, including my marriage, is built on it.

That’s the ironic thing. To develop any degree of emotional maturity—at least enough to quit drinking and doing self-destructive things, I had to become truly child-like. I had to “let go and let God” manage my life—including my emotions. This seems like a rather spiritual and mysterious proposition, and believe me, it was and is. To grow up at all, I had to put my pride on the altar of sacrifice, and ‘become a child’ in the way Jesus told us that we must be, or else lose the Kingdom.