Catholicism – Grow Up and Marry!

The Mystery of Attraction (part 3) : Recovering Reality

A pencil drawing by Antonio Lopez Garcia.

Naturalistic Observation

When I was in the throes of alcohol and substance abuse, I had no principles to speak of, other than a mantra borrowed from a Janis Joplin song: “get it while you can.” I had a deep spiritual longing, but all I knew were unsettling diabolical experiences, risky sexual and romantic encounters, ‘new-age’ superstitions, drunks and drug trips, and a threadbare childhood Catholicism that I had since discarded. Yet there was one bright, quiet place in the bewildering storm that was my life: drawing.

I had always had a passion for drawing and painting, and had worked hard at it throughout my young life. Even when it seemed there was nothing else for me, there was drawing. I believe it was an invisible thread that tied me to God, even though I didn’t realize it. The reason drawing was such a grace for me is that drawing, particularly drawing from observation, requires one to slow down, and look–ever so carefully–at what is really there. Even though I was delusional, dishonest, deceptive and deceived most of the time–I wasn’t while I was drawing.

Since I was a painting major, I had assignments every week. On a regular basis (provided I could temporarily sober-up enough to do it), I had to draw 10-20 hours to come up with work that wouldn’t absolutely embarrass me during the critiques. My favorite professor, Zhi Lin, was from China, and his tactic of harsh public scrutiny was highly motivating.

During those hours of intensive drawing, the dark mental clouds would part, and I would experience something like peace. This was the one activity in my life that put me in touch, intellectually and physically, with reality. Objects in space. The structure of things. Human anatomy. The principles of light. Form. Gravity. Empathy. Those things were the focus of my attention. Without realizing what I was doing, I submerged myself in the Mind of the Creator. Only while drawing, did I find the means to focus attentively, rationally, and with full concentration, on the nature of things; the spiraling musculature of a leg, the mountainous topography of a cloth, the cool impartiality of light falling across a surface. These complexities could only be realized by marking down facts with rigorous honesty, diligence and restraint.

I remember once looking up from my easel, tears streaming down my face. I was overwhelmed by the realization of how ordered it all was–even this chance arrangement of objects strewn around in my chaotic apartment–and how loving was that order. All the mess and mundanity and meanness was somehow designed…somehow, willed. It was inescapable.

Years later, as I was teaching and mentoring artists, I observed a similar effect on the minds of my students. Over time, and in subtle ways, I saw people become more emotionally stable, more mentally sound–more wise– as they made drawing an important part of their routine. I attribute this to the attentive observation of reality; certain attitude of appreciation, the judicious comparison of values, the pursuit of beauty in truth, and truth in beauty. For many of my students, drawing was as close a thing to prayer and mediation as they had ever come.

Drawing was a life-line for me. Still is sometimes. When I’m getting a little disoriented, my husband will ask, “have you done any drawing lately?” He knows. Whether you have any interest in trying it for yourself, I think it proves that Dr. Baars was right (see previous post). I cannot overstate the importance of regular, deep encounters with nature, behind which is God, patiently revealing Himself. I we want to conform ourselves to the Mind of God, we must pay attention to nature, and learn of Him through it. “Consider the lillies…” as our Lord said.

This includes looking carefully at our inner nature, too. We must be attentive to what passes through our interior landscape like weather passing through the sky. We must attend to the thoughts and feelings and images that come into our minds. We are responsible for what we do with them. How are we to handle them?

A Hedonist Tries to Meditate

This may seem like a long aside, but bear with me. It is impossible for me to separate my marriage vocation from my primary vocation: to know and do the will of God. This became the central fact of my life at each stage of my conversion, of which figuring out how to grow up and marry was the most recent. My story is pretty dramatic. Yours might not be, but I hope that the bold outlines I’m sketching here will help you see your own situation a little more clearly.

Just as I was reaping the rewards of observing the natural world during my drawing time, I was also becoming aware of an increasing discordance between how I was living, and the truths of nature. The most glaring problem was that I could not paint or draw well while drunk.

This fact became more and alarming and embarrassing, as my professors began to notice my erratic behavior and performance. Worst of all, I knew there was something wrong with me, but I did’t know what it was. Drunkenness and blackouts and humiliations and broken relationships and confusion and misery and terror were all symptoms, but what was the cause? I couldn’t see anything clearly.

I would spend hours in book stores looking for psychology, self-help and new-age spirituality books to try and figure out what was wrong with me. I would take a ‘break’ from drinking, only to reward myself by getting hammered. I met a lot of wacky ‘spiritual’ people and interviewed them constantly trying to find answers. At the end of the day, I would run back to my usual comforts.

My inner life was getting darker and darker. Somewhere, some lunatic I found intriguing had given me a book about Tibetan Buddhism. I entertained the idea out of curiosity. Some time later, at a festival in the desert, I had a terrifying hallucinogenic drug trip. I saw myself surrounded by lurid masks of falseness and deception. Everywhere I turned, demonic faces mocked me for being so foolish as to fall for these phony illusions. I saw that I, too, was a mask-wearer, a faker, a deceived deceiver. It was all a drug-induced, paranoid reaction of course, but I could never quite shake the suspicion that these accusations were based in reality. In vino, veritas.

Months later, I described my experience to an acquaintance who had been there at the time, and had seen me freaking-out. I told him what I was learning about Buddhism, too. This man had a degree in Eastern Philosophy from (the nominally Catholic) Seattle University. He was a large, somber and impressive fellow. He could have been an image of St. Thomas Aquinas, if he had been a Catholic. Perhaps he secretly was. After listening to my experience, he laconically advised me to stay away from Buddhism. I was too ‘Western’ for it, he said. I would have a bad fall.

I later ruminated on the Buddhist conception of hell, complete with levels of torment specific to one’s particular moral failings. I shuddered at the hell of the Hungry Ghosts, where the shades of intemperate men and women wander through a psychic wasteland after death, their bellies swollen with hunger and thirst, tormented by having mouths too small to receive any nourishment. I cooled off on the whole Buddhist thing, but that image stayed in my mind.

Around the same time, I found a book about the so-called ‘lost gospel of Mary Magdalene,’ which analyzed fragments of esoteric poetry about floating up to various ecstatic levels and talking to angels, etc. It was off-center, yes, but at least it was better than the Satanic Witch, which had been my favorite book a few years before. The Magdalene book, apocryphal as it was, started me thinking again about Christianity, if only in a sort of hazy, metaphorical way.

My Confirmation saint had been Mary Madelene. I remembered the traditional image of her, alone and naked in the wilderness, living a life of penitence and prayer, with nothing but ‘The Bread of Angels’ to sustain her. Like the Hungry Ghosts, The Magdalen was in the wilderness, too, yet she was not tormented by her hunger. Something did sustain her. She was lifted up to glory. She was rescued.

At that point, something began to pull me towards the notion of asceticism. I had a vague idea of what asceticism was from Catholic school. I knew it was far from the hedonistic life I had chosen for myself. Flashes of Siddhartha, which we had covered in my Jesuit high school curriculum, came back to me. I began to wonder if I could ever walk a nobler path.

Moved by the romantic image of The Magdalen, I quit drinking and drugs, this time for almost a month. I felt beautiful. The morning after I ordered one glass of wine at a poetry club, certain I could now drink like a lady, I woke up on the floor in some strange man’s apartment. All the spiritual books I’d been reading were flawed, but they contained bits of truth, and occasionally, these bits of truth rose up in me like bile. As I tumbled back out into the cacophony of the bars and nightclubs, inwardly, I ruminated on these things.

This continued on after graduation. When I got a job in a restaurant, things shifted a bit. The job was demanding and I could not be loaded at work. I could get loaded immediately after work (everyone else did), but not before my shift. I couldn’t even get stoned. It had taken me months to find any job at all, and I didn’t want to this one. So I resolved to delay my drinking just until after the shift, when I could step over to the bar next door, cash tips in hand. Those restaurant shifts afforded me a modicum of enforced sobriety several days of the week. The fact that the work was physical and I couldn’t smoke weed the way I did during school probably helped, too. It gave me just enough daylight to see more and more of what was going on.

Once, during those few months, an elderly Jesuit priest, Fr. Paul Fitterer, who had been the rector at my high school, came into the restaurant. He had helped me once when I was in my teens, and suffering from demonic affliction, which I had acquired through dabbling in the occult. His blessing hadn’t made the demons go away, since I wasn’t willing to repent from what I was doing. Yet, seeing him in the restaurant was a reminder of grace. Maybe he prayed for me that day.

Watching the Watcher

Somewhere in the miasma of that period, I got the notion to give meditation a try. The Christian tradition of meditation, or what we Catholics refer to as ‘mental prayer,’ was still far from my awareness. I didn’t want to become a Buddhist, yet as my inner conflict increased, the idea of seeking some means of detachment seemed intriguing.

I had a big, high-backed chair the corner in my studio apartment. Everyday, I would sit up in my chair with my feet on the floor and my hands in my lap, take a few deep breaths, and I would do this:

Watch my thoughts.

Thats it. I would watch my thoughts come and go like clouds rolling across the sky. I wouldn’t try to change them. I watched feelings and images go sailing by, too. I let them go. I resisted the urge to chase them. If emotions came up or if I cried, I would sit still, and let that happen, too. I focused on relaxing, breathing, and letting it go. This was simple, but not that easy. It took a lot of effort to let my thoughts and feelings pass through me without doing anything with them. As a result of trying to let my thoughts go by without clinging to them, I soon saw myself watching myself watching my thoughts.

I didn’t know it, but this is what has been labeled in the psychology world as metacognition. All jargon aside, this kind of thing has been going on for a long time. I think all wise people do this at some level, because watching our thoughts, without taking action, allows us to rise up out of our passions and look at ourselves at a distance.

It was as if learning to pause, and pay attention to what was happening inside, put a tiny bit of ‘space’ between my fears and appetites and the next action I might take. It allowed me to look at my thoughts objectively, to wonder if they were really accurate or not, or if they were really all that important. Rather than unconsciously reacting to every impulse, I slowly became aware of myself. I discovered that it is okay to feel various emotions, even unpleasant ones, without trying to escape or evade them. I found out I could experience cravings, appetites and fears, without having to do anything to ‘fix’ them. Pretty soon, I found myself waiting several minutes before reaching for the next cigarette. Soon it was hours. Before long, tolerating inner discomfort long enough to actually break an addiction became a real possibility for me.

The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says “…we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day ‘Thy will be done.'” (pg 87)

Sitting in my chair a few minutes a day, watching my thoughts, delaying gratification, I was not far from embracing “Thy will be done.” I had not yet learned to pray, but I was at least learning to pause. It wasn’t long before I was using these times of inward observation to evaluate my thoughts and feelings, to wonder what was driving them. I started to visualize what it would look like if I were a different kind of person; the kind of person I secretly wanted to be. What would I wear? How would I carry myself? What would I be busy about? What would I do with my hands?

A Growing Awareness

Until I was able to step out of myself, or stand above myself and observe my thoughts, feelings and actions objectively, I could not develop the inner vision that I needed to put my life in order. I couldn’t even see what I really wanted in life, much less change my behavior to get there. Once I began to pause, turning an inner-eye on my heart, I began to see choices set before me. Choices for good or for ill. This was a revolution in awareness.

Am I recommending that you look to Buddhism for the key to your problems? Certainly not. Although the Buddhist tradition demands temperance, sobriety, self-control and other virtues to which all men should aspire, the goals of Buddhism and Christianity are diametrically opposed. The end-game for Buddhism is total detachment from all things, even the notion of God (which shows the subtle atheism that underlies Buddhist philosophy), and a final ascent to a state of perfect non-being, known as Nirvana. Last time I checked, the God of Christianity is the opposite of non-being: He is Being qua Being; He is our Father, who lovingly condescends to share His Being with us, if we will accept. Rather than the decidedly negative goal offered by Buddhism: to escape the fate of endless reincarnation and wearisome existence by seeking ultimate non-existence, our final reward as Christians is eternal life, experienced in divine intimacy with our Lord, a joy multiplied and reverberated within the Communion of Saints, our heavenly family. In other words, heaven is something like marriage and family life, yet magnified in goodness beyond compare.

Perhaps, had I not been baptized and raised in some kind of Catholic milieu, I would have been amenable to dismissing all thoughts and images that came to my mind as illusions, trusting only in the reality of an abyss of non-being at the end of the tunnel. For me, given the choice between Ultimate Being and ultimate non-being, Being wins every time. Once I started to make enough space inside myself to observe what was there, the Reality of my Creator began to appear in my heart like a Star in the darkness. I made a choice to follow that Star and I have never stopped.

What does all this have to do with attraction or dating?

What I’m talking about now are first principles. I am talking about awareness. What was needed before I could figure out how to grow up and marry, was a change of inner attitude. I had to drop the illusions and delusions that contradicted my God-given nature, and recover the true vision of my heart; the image placed there by my Creator; the blueprint for my own human flourishing.

For me, it wasn’t that I had no relationships with the opposite sex–I had many affairs. The problem was that I could never attract the kind of person that was really marriage minded–or actually appropriate for me. Because I lacked awareness, I could not see the truth about what I was doing to sabotage myself. I thought I was being honest, but I was usually driven by ideas and fears that weren’t grounded in reality.

Even when I had been sober for years, a practicing Catholic and committed to the virtue of chastity, I still kept creating relationships that were taking me away from my marriage goal, instead of towards it. I found myself doing what I did not want to do, dropping my standards, time and again, and getting wounded. I was working against my own nature. It took a deeper awareness for me to be able to reinvent my way of acting around men; to behave in a manner true to my authentic nature, to show what I truly wanted and valued in my heart; to be a woman. In a nutshell, that’s what my personal dating program was all about.

Getting Down to Earth

Men and women are different, so the suggestions I’m going to make in the rest of this series on attraction will be increasingly gender specific, with different advice for men and women. We must observe and appreciate the differences between men and women in order to apply the principles of attraction I am going to propose here. We will probably need to step outside of our comfort zones in putting these principles into practice. This is even more true if our prior beliefs about men and women have kept us isolated, defensive or avoidant. Yet, with practice, these tools will become second nature. Soon you will learn to handle each dating situation with grace and magnanimity.

Fair warning: will have to generalize in order to do this. If you are likely to be offended by talk of ‘men are like this’ and ‘women are like that’–well, we’re going to do a lot of it. I would suggest looking very carefully inside at why this feels like a problem for you. Where is this reaction coming from? Is it helpful to your goal of learning how to date or navigate relationships more effectively? Are you willing to set aside your ideas and try something different to see what happens? You may want to visit “Objections and the Set Aside Prayer” if you’re struggling with this.

The dating philosophy that made all the difference in my life, and what I have to share with you now, is built upon the fact that men and women are different, tend to think and act differently, and are bringing different gifts to the table. It also supposes that these differences are precisely what attract men and women together. It is our difference, our complimentary, that makes relationships between the sexes so dynamic and fruitful. As long as we neglect, reject or suppress these differences, we dull our ability to attract and feel attracted to the opposite sex. Yet, when we learn to appreciate these differences and work with them, we find a whole new world of male-female dynamics opening up.

This awareness is what made dating, for me, a fascinating adventure–not some kind of power struggle, or embarrassing exercise in rejection. Every date, whether I felt a particular attraction to the person or not, became ‘a walk in the park’ on so many levels. In harmony with what Dr. Baars suggests, I learned to treat each date as an occasion to observe nature, to see and appreciate reality, to practice awareness. This means awareness of the natural and spiritual principles at play on a date, awareness of the choices set before me in any given moment, awareness of qualities in the other person and in my environment; awareness of the fascinating dynamics that exist between men and women. Framed this way, dating became a means of discovery, growth and healing for me. Each date, even with the man who became my husband, was an experiment that I willingly chose to conduct. Each set of findings, carefully gathered in the light of faith, brought me closer and closer to the goal of marriage, and the realization of God’s plan within it. I’m going to show you how to do this yourself in the coming posts.

Your Inner Vision

Before we dive into the nuts and bolts (birds and bees?) of attraction, let me leave you with a little exercise. St. Thomas Aquinas said that in order for a person to understand something, or even to think about it, he must be able to picture it in his mind. Below, I describe a procedure to help you think deeply about your own particular problems with attraction, dating, marriage and the other issues we’ve been talking about.

Remember that the imagination can be deceived, so it’s important not to rush to judgement about dreams and visions and this sort of thing. Yet for me, investigating the information that comes into my heart (imagination/mind/emotional center), especially in relationship to prayer, has been one of the keys to my deliverance, recovery and transformation. I have found it critical at various times to invite God into my heart, and help me visualize a ‘heart picture’ about the things that I am trying to understand about myself and my situation. “Sometimes,” as Blaise Pascal said, “the heart has reason of which reason knows nothing.”

Another reason to use visualization is that it can help us perform a challenging or high-pressure task. That’s why Olympic skiers are often seen at the top of the hill with their eyes closed, mentally rehearsing the twists and turns they are about to take, as vividly as they can, before heading down the slope. As another example, I practiced hours upon hours of visualization to prepare for childbirth. And do you know what? It works. Have you ever tried this about dating? I did. A lot. Visualization is key for successful performance, problem solving, and achieving goals. Adding prayer to this, we ask God to inspire and direct our imagination, and strengthen us to do our best.

Directions for a ‘Heart-Picture’ Exercise

Sit up in a comfortable seat, rest your hands loosely on your lap, with feet on the ground, making sure your arms and legs are uncrossed. Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths and relax your body. Briefly begin in the usual way you would for mental prayer, i.e. ask God to be with you and bless this time of meditation, etc. Catholics will want to begin with the Sign of The Cross, and some familiar prayers, such as an Our Father, Hail Mary and Glory Be.

Now prepare to look into your heart, as if you were looking through a window to the inside of yourself, to the innermost chamber, where only you and God can see. In the Presence of God, ask yourself any one of the following questions. Let yourself picture the answer in your heart as vividly as possible:

+What would it look like for me to attract (and feel attracted to) the opposite sex, while remaining chaste and virtuous? How would I carry myself? How would I dress? How would I speak?

+What would it look like if I were the kind of person who is successful in dating? Who enjoys going on lots of dates?

+What would it look like to be honest and vulnerable on a date?

+What would it look like to practice spiritual principles on a date?

+What would it look like to genuinely enjoy a date with someone, even if I am not particularly attracted to that person? How would the date end?

+What would it look like to be on a date with someone I feel extremely attracted to, without dropping any of my moral principles? How would the date end?

Ask whatever other questions come to mind. Use your imagination to place yourself in various situations as you examine these questions. It’s like making a little movie out of each. You are looking for a positive, best-case scenario.

You might at first see things in a negative light because of something you’re worried about, or just because this has been your habit. It might even be that you have some ‘rules’ you have unconsciously made up about yourself or other people that force you to ‘fail’ in your own mind whenever you think about dating. This is the perfect opportunity to catch these ‘rules’ and replace them with more constructive ideas. Ask God to help you re-imagine the situation with a positive outcome, with you at your very best, and with spiritual principles in mind.

Notice how you look in your mind’s eye. How does your self-image change, as you adjust the scene to be more and more positive? Do you have to mentally change something about how you dress or speak, or stand, in order to make the scene work out for the better? Take note of these things. See what you observe, without rushing to judgement about it. Have a conversation with God about what you see in your heart.

Close by offering God thanks and any good resolutions that arise. Write about what you observed in your journal. You can also talk it over with a trusted friend, or spiritual director if you have one.

I have no authority to direct anyone in prayer. I have simply tried to outline here the kinds of tools that helped me in my own journey to marriage. As a rule, never go it alone in spiritual matters. Always seek counsel from the proper spiritual authority in your life.

The Mystery of Attraction, part 2: The Nature of Things

Sugar and Spice

When I was a little girl, I often compared myself to my older brother. It was hard not to do this. He was seven years older than myself, therefore he was smarter, bigger, funnier, more confident and more capable than I was–an ‘annoying’ little sister trailing behind him.

Sometimes, after being kicked out of that secret society where boyish talk and Nintendo games dazzled the eye and mind, I would sink into a bog of resentment, alone in my room. I would wish, spitefully, that I was a boy, like my brother. Then maybe I would be big and strong and capable like he was. Maybe then I wouldn’t be so alone.

One time, after I had slipped into this resentful attitude, I noticed what I can now recognize as a higher level of thought arise out of my little 7-year-old consciousness. Instead of focusing on the feeling that I would rather be a boy, and how unfair it was that I was not a boy, this thought occurred to me instead: would it REALLY be better to be a boy? Is that really true? Which is better? Being a boy or being a girl? If I could magically become a boy right now, would I honestly want to? Setting aside my angst, my little rational self began to take over and ask a serious question. It didn’t take too long to come up with an answer.

I can still remember what I pictured in my mind. I was looking down at a drawing I had recently made: on one side, there was The Princess. She was adorned with glory: a long, elegant gown, jewels, a crown, high-heeled shoes, red lips, and flowing hair. Her body contained hints of the mysterious biological finery that God himself grants in some share to all women, after the image of Eve, the pinnacle of creation. She was fascinating.

On the other side, there was The Prince. Although I liked the idea of him, and definitely wanted him in the picture, I couldn’t demonstrate anything particularly interesting about him through drawing. His clothes were drab, undecorated and dark. His figure, from what I could understand of it, was plain, boxy and undefined. I could barely maintain any interest in picturing him, with what little I understood of his anatomy. He was a place holder for something I longed to know in the far distant future. I could feel a longing for that otherness–but it wasn’t me.

After a few moments reflection, I smiled to myself. I had reached my conclusion: “Being a girl is best, because I can wear dresses and have long hair and be beautiful. If I were a boy, I could not wear dresses. I would have to wear pants all the time, and have short hair. That would be boring. Therefore, I am glad that I am a girl.”

And with that thought, the question was resolved. Occasionally, whenever the question arose again, or I felt envious of my brother, I would remind myself of these facts. I would think of The Princess, and remember that she is lovely, and loved by ‘The Prince’. It may have been a childish thought, but was it really misguided? I had called to mind what was, to me, the noblest archetype of womanhood, gazed upon it, and realized the privilege of being able to grow into that image. It wasn’t until my conversion to Catholicism at 28 years old, that I realized who The Princess of my heart really is, and where her eternal beauty comes from. But it was a good start.

Discord with Nature

I’m not sure exactly why I am telling this story now. Maybe it’s because there is such unprecedented confusion today about sex, gender and the nature of man and woman. One of the most troubling manifestations of this confusion is the phenomenon of people feeling unhappy about their own sex; discomfited by the fact that they are a man or a woman.

This goes by many names today. “Gender dysphoria” is the latest DSM label. Recently, I’ve heard that “gender discord” is a term some people prefer, at least in the Catholic world. Whatever you call it, it’s something that needs our attention, especially now that the “trans” ideology is being promoted so avidly by the controllers of mass culture, technology and media messaging. One has to wonder what these people have planned for us down the road. In order to for the ideological revolutionaries to re-engineer society, they must first destroy the institutions that have been holding things together for thousands of years. And they haven’t wasted any time. “You can’t make an omelette without breaking some eggs,” as the Marxist saying goes. Well, egg-breaking is exactly what this programming is doing to us. Think about it.

If we are to be free from this psychological manipulation, we have to recognize these messages for what they are: they are ‘self-destruct’ messages. We have to compare the messages that come from “the world, the flesh and the devil,” with what God says about us and our nature, and choose God’s word instead. It’s not easy, but we need to do it.

The political approach here may be new, but the human weaknesses the social engineers are playing upon are nothing new. I think most of us can relate to being disappointed with some unchangeable aspect of our selves or our circumstances. It’s quite normal to have questions or insecurities about the meaning of ‘male’ and ‘female’ as we grow up; comparing self to others, trying to understand the world. Normally this passes, but for some, misguided beliefs may linger. Fed by destructive messages from mass culture and revolutionary ideology, and often magnified by painful life experiences, bad ideas become a habitual pattern of thinking, feeling and acting.

Now, if there ever was a ploy from the devil to keep us in bondage, it’s the the idea that something as basic to my make up as my sex, whether male or female, is in some way not acceptable, and I should negate it. This is very bad idea. It has to be countered with the truth. The truth is this:

God made me a woman. He is very happy that I am a woman. I must strive to be a good woman.

And for men:

God made me a man. He is very happy that I am a man. I must strive to be a good man.

Aside from this latest symptom of the spiritual condition of our age, distorted beliefs about men and women in general are affecting all of us, even those of us who otherwise hold to an orthodox faith. It is my opinion that bad ideas about the nature of the sexes account for much of the present discouragement and failure in dating, courtship and marriage.

It’s in the air we breathe. If we have had any exposure to the strains of modern culture through school, media and even from our own parents and family members, we have probably acquired some of this programming. Without realizing it, we are slowly replacing the wisdom of God with a kind of legalistic, pseudo-morality based on the materialistic idea that all human interactions come down to a power struggle; a war between the oppressor and the oppressed; the haves and the have nots; the victimizers and the victims.

We accept slogans like “girls can do anything boys can do, better” as if it were some kind of necessary retaliation against boys and men, without realizing how vacuous and spiteful it really is. Or, we believe in bizarre legal constructs like: “If I ask a woman out on a date, or otherwise show interest in her, and she doesn’t like me, I am guilty of sexual harassment, which is a crime.” Or, equally poisonous: “If go out on a date with a man, he will expect sex. Therefore, dating is dangerous and a bad idea.” We “believe all women” as if to say that women never lie, misrepresent or even misinterpret events, while “toxic masculinity” shows that men are intrinsically bad and hurtful unless they work against their own nature, and act the way feminists say they should act.

We buy into these beliefs at our own peril. We believe lies and are then bound by unrealistic and counterproductive expectations. We inflict such bonds upon ourselves and the opposite sex; always seeing relations between men and women through the lens of oppressed and oppressor. I think just about everyone today, with rare exceptions, has to overcome this programming on some level.

Although I didn’t suffer from what they call ‘gender dysphoria’ as such (perhaps my childhood reflection on The Princess archetype was a gift that nipped this temptation in the bud), I did buy into distorted views about men, women and relationships that caused me a great deal of heartache as I went through life. These distortions eventually had to be purged by the grace of God and the light of reason in order for me to finally grow up and marry. I’ve had to uncover lies and accept the truth about myself, God, and others at progressively deeper levels throughout my Christian conversion. The lived experience of being a wife and a mother continues to peel back the layers of distortion. The grace of the Sacrament of Matrimony continues to set these things aright in my soul. Talking and praying through my fears and misconceptions with my husband is also source of grace. Yet, these were the questions that arose for me in the beginning, when I was just embarking on the journey towards marriage:

How am I to be a woman? How am I to be a good woman? How am I to be the woman God desires me to be?

For men: How am I to be a man? How am I to be a good man? How am I to be the man God desires me to be?

Now, the first question is figurative. Obviously, I am a woman, regardless of how I think or act. There’s nothing I can do to change that. Yet the question is important because it implies the issue of growing up. Being a woman implies being a grown-up, mature version of myself. That’s what we really mean when we say: “be a man!” or “be a woman!” We really mean: “grow up!” If I act and think like that grumpy, self-centered, disappointed child who felt left out of the boys’ games, and therefore resented being female and envied the boys of their maleness, is that being a woman? No. It is a childish pattern of thinking. It may be perfectly normal and forgivable for a child to think that way, yet quite destructive for an adult.

Getting Back on the Path

One of the most powerful things I did begin to correct these problems in myself was to ask God to set them right in my heart. More specifically, in prayer, I asked the Blessed Virgin Mary to show me how to be a woman. I asked her to guide me in her ways, and teach me how to become a good woman, a wife and a mother. I did this repeatedly in prayer, and often when passing a statue or image of Mary, because after years of bad programming and bad experiences, I really had no clue. If you are a single woman, I strongly encourage you, if you have not already adopted this practice, to do so. To imitate Mary is to model oneself after the greatest woman who ever lived. It is to imitate Christ in a specifically feminine way.

And for men: St. Joseph is the model of masculinity and manhood. He is the Terror of Demons and the Guardian of the Virgin. He is the man God Himself selected to act as His own earthly father. The fact of Joseph’s purity demonstrates that God’s idea of fatherhood is a spiritual matter; a matter of giving, guiding, providing and protecting. Often men need to be spiritually fathered so they themselves can become real men, not just ‘sperm donors,’ or perpetual boys. If you have’t already, consider a personal consecration to St. Joseph. Ask him to teach you how to be a man, a good man, and the man God wants you to be.

Let me be clear, I personally still struggle with certain obsessive thoughts, and an anxiety problem that gets in my way at times. I’m a work-in-progress. No one is saying that you should be able to switch life-long thinking patterns on and off like a light switch. Sometimes these things are stuck deep. However, God grants grace to those who seek it, and I never want to put limits on what God can do to bring about a massive change of life. He has done that for me in such a big way, I can’t complain about having a few little mental thorns in my side.

Yet, even if we can’t change some things, it is so important to recognize the things we can change, and there is much for us to do in this area. If you are experiencing some form of gender discord or unhappiness with your sex, or you have some distorted beliefs about men and women in general, it may be the thing that has been blocking you from cooperating with God’s plans for you. This problem could block you forever, but it doesn’t have to. Why should we accept beliefs about ourselves or others, especially if they cost us so much, without first checking them against the Word of God? The answers are there, if we want them.

God is powerful. While we can’t always change our circumstances, we are responsible for how we respond to them. We are not victims. “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear: but of power, and of love, and of sobriety.” (2 Timothy 1:7) The more we conform ourselves to the mind of God, our Father and Creator, the less confused and stuck we will be. The more we pay attention to what Our Father thinks, and what He is like, and what he intends for us, the more we will think like Him, and be like Him. “The disciple is not above his master: but every one shall be perfect, if he be as his master.” (Luke 6:40)

Paying Attention to Nature

Yes, we are all far from perfect, but we are not meant to stay as we are. We are here to heal, grow, mature, and become ready for heaven. Those of us who are called to marriage, as a means of service to God and eternal salvation, may have some serious healing and formation to do. How do we then become properly formed as men and women? How do we conform ourselves more and more to the mind of God who created us and has a plan for our flourishing and our fulfillment? One of the best ways I’ve found, besides spending time with God in prayer, meditation on the Scriptures, and reading other relevant literature, is to pay attention to nature. To pay attention to nature implies many things.

On one level, it suggests that we slow down and look, carefully and objectively, at what is going on around us. It means that in the presence of God, I observe and appreciate what is happening in this exact moment, both inside of myself and outside of myself. I do this with an attitude of acceptance and trust. God is with me, in me and all around me, as I look. I look to notice what is there, not to rush to any value judgement or to reject anything. I accept that I understand very little, so I am teachable. “I am meek and humble of heart.” (Mt 11:29) I set aside the wordy, analytical, critical, reactive part of my mind, and just watch. I observe things around me, and notice their qualities. Remembering that I am a creature and God is my Creator; I am his child, and He is my Father: what is He communicating to me, right at this moment, through His creation?

Dr. Conrad Baars, perhaps one of the first Catholic psychiatrists, survived a term in a Nazi death camp, later to apply Thomistic philosophy to help patients who suffered from various emotional disturbances. One would surmise that he recovered from his own traumatic experiences by applying the principles he outlined in one of his popular books, namely Feeling and Healing Your Emotions. In it, he recommends that we learn to come into right relationship with our emotions as a horse and rider. We should not deny, punish or exasperate our emotional nature like an immature, selfish rider that cruelly scourges and neglects his horse, nor should we let go of the reigns and let unrestrained emotions carry us away to destruction. Dr. Baars compares the emotionally integrated person to the ideal of a sleek, well-exercised, powerful horse (the emotions), in the care and guidance of the mature, responsible rider (the intellect). When the two act in unison, with the power of the emotions at the service of the intellect, and the intellect taking care of and guiding the emotions, there is a far greater joy and adventure to be had, than if the two are at odds with each other.

One of the practical suggestions Dr. Baars gives to help bring about healing is to increase our contact with the beauty and order of nature. He even suggests that we change careers, jobs or living conditions, to enable us to simplify our lives and to be in contact with the goodness of nature and with spiritual goodness as much as possible. He recommends a daily intake of natural beauty; frequent walks in park or countryside; surrounding oneself with beautiful and excellent artwork; listening to classical or sacred music; reading great literature and poetry; and eliminating as much of the discordant, unnatural, and ugly from our lives as we reasonably can. He suggests that learning to appreciate the beauty and order of nature, with its mirror in art, music and literature, can help us heal. Careful observation of the logos of nature can bring our minds into accord with the mind of God, the Author of all that is good, true and beautiful.

If we want to really know what God thinks, we must look carefully at what He does. The antidote to lies and delusions is reality. Reality is God’s masterpiece. He is even now, holding this moment of realty in existence. This, what is right now, is His will. Therefore, every moment is an opportunity to pay attention, and to behold the mind of our Creator and Father. How sad that we forget what a treasure we have in every moment that we can stop and pay attention to nature. I believe the saints find ways to remember this and collect this treasure more often than the rest of us.

In the next article, I will talk more about the power of paying attention to nature, how it helped me get back on the path to life, and how this all relates to our present concern about attraction, dating, relationships and marriage.

The Mystery of Attraction (part 1)

Its been a while since I’ve written anything here–we’ve been extremely busy house hunting and on top of that, I’ve been feeling queasy and fatigued due to early pregnancy with our 3rd child. (Yes! I am about 10 weeks pregnant as I write this!) However, now that I’ve been getting some good feedback from people who are quite interested in these topics, I thought I’d take some time to get to this important aspect of what we’re talking about: attraction.

Attraction is something that is necessary for marriage today. Gone are the days of arranged Christian marriages, when families might select a mate for their children based on the economic and political advantages of the union–regardless of wether the two betrothed felt personally attracted to each other. This arrangement had its advantages. As the sagacious Professor Jospeh Cambell remarked in his classic PBS interview with Bill Moyers, there was a great deal of family love involved in arranged marriages, and that family love, more than the modern notion of ‘romantic love’ was what brought people together. Let’s not throw that notion away entirely, because the idea of family love and its altruistic aspirations is still a key part of what makes Christian marriage work today. In fact, I’d say it supersedes romantic attraction in due course. In the end, family love is all there is, and, as a precursor to the Beatific Vision, is the entire point and purpose of Christian marriage.

For the moment, though, let’s focus on the fact that without a culture of arranged marriages, we are in the position of having to cultivate attraction first, in order to bring a suitable mate into our lives, and to motivate one another to move toward marriage–at least to move beyond the first date. While there are obviously some drawbacks to this (modesty and chastity has to be all the more carefully guarded), I also think attraction is important, and learning to cultivate it is good. Natural attractions are indicators of certain biological realities that really need to be present in order to for marriage to be possible and fruitful.

Attraction has much to do with biology, but because we are not merely physical beings, attraction operates on the emotional, psychological and spiritual levels, too. All four categories have to be working somewhat in order for attraction to be present, and attraction must be present in some degree to build a stable and fruitful marriage.

As I unpack this topic, I want to focus first on the physical part, because while I think this area is obsessed-over in the secular world (always assuming a sexual relationship between partners outside of marriage), the mysteries of physical attraction are not talked about much in the Catholic world. (Barring the JPII’s Theology-of-the-Body-derived stuff out there that personally, I never really went for. I have nothing against TOB particularly. I know some traditionalists do. Maybe it just seemed too theoretical for what I really needed at the time. At any rate I seemed to have figured out a few things without getting into TOB.)

The lack of practical dating advice for adult Catholics is perhaps due to concerns over modesty, which are well-founded, but I think there is guidance to be shared about cultivating natural attractions between men and women that can be discussed appropriately. These things need to be discussed, too, because so many people are suffering from ignorance of the simple ways of nature, and without good guidance from within the family, they are turning to the world to fill the void. I would so much rather have an open and frank discussion about these realities, and thus encourage a marriage culture amongst ourselves, rather than have people go running off to “Cosmo” and Hollywood, all the other corrupting sources of information out there that are bound to cause harm.

First of all, let’s get this strait: there is a difference between seduction and attraction. Seduction is the deliberate leading of a person into sin. We can’t do it. If you notice yourself doing it (oh boy, did I struggle with this one)–stop it immediately.

If you are like me, you may need to cultivate chastity and modesty at the same time that you are learning about attraction. Seeing the difference between the two might be an important step to seeing what it is we are talking about here, and why what you have always done or believed about men and women in the past has failed to lead you to your goal of marriage and family life. Again, seduction is sinful and self-destructive. It’s about manipulating and controlling others through sexual values. If you are using seduction, even if you are not actually having sex with anyone, you will ultimately suffer from pride, fear, loneliness and alienation. You will have lust, but not love. You’ll be left with nothing, because lust drives out love.

Perhaps your main problem with dating and marriage in general has to do with confusion in this area. It certainly did for me. If, when you look at your own attitudes and behaviors honestly, you find that lust (seduction, fantasy, romantic obsession, pornography) is a serious problem for you, you may need extra help with it. Sexaholics Anonymous is 12-step fellowship and program based on AA, that has helped many people straiten out their lives in this area, and is entirely compatible with Catholic teaching on marriage and sexuality.

It may be, as well, that while you don’t have much of a lust problem yourself, you have been injured by someone else’s lust problem. Perhaps that fact has distorted your thinking and perceptions, especially about men and women and everything pertaining to relations between the sexes. I also fit that category, and there is help for this problem, too. Prayer, confession, spiritual reading, holy friendships, spiritual direction, Sacraments, therapy, and 12-step recovery all helped me heal and change over time. Whether lust (yours or someone else’s) is a big problem for you, or a little one, you should at least make a good examination of conscience about these matters, take whatever sins you uncover to a priest in Confession, and receive God’s mercy and healing.

One thing that also helped me tremendously was practicing a new way of acting and thinking around the opposite sex, by going on dates. Maybe it was a form of penance; maybe it was a kind of therapy, but going on dates with men where I practiced charity and made space for natural, normal attractions to appear, actually helped me heal. Dating was where the rubber hit the road for me. I was no longer just reading and talking to a therapist and praying to have my defects removed, I was learning to act differently in real-world situations. Taking different, new and sometimes uncomfortable actions in real life eventually led me to the alter with a real human being.

To sum up, attraction, is a good, natural, God-given process that when combined with the use of reason and application of virtue, can lead to Holy Marriage. In the next few articles, I will share with you some tools I practiced to help cultivate healthy, normal attractions with the opposite sex. These are skills that, practiced with godly intentions, helped me bring out the best in the men I came into contact with (including my husband), and discover how I really felt about each of them. Practicing these habits gave me information about myself and others which was important for my discernment. It also helped me to heal my heart and express who I really am. I will also share some of the challenges I had in this area, and obstacles that my husband and I were able to overcome by the grace of God.

But What About Religious Life?

Recently, my husband and I were having dinner with another married couple we know. These two are devout, traditional Catholics. Although they have their share of hardship—neither one of them is perfect nor is their relationship perfect—it’s plain to see they love each other, and God, very much indeed.

As our husbands were talking in the kitchen, and my babies played on the floor, I sat down with the lady of the house and told her about this writing project I’m doing—”Grow Up and Marry.” She was thrilled, and agreed that far too many men and women of faith were just not finding each other and not getting married. We discussed how this is a perplexing problem for individuals and society, too. Not to mention the Catholic Church—which desperately needs to raise up a new generation of priests and religious to lift us out of this period of darkness and confusion we’re all going through on so many levels. Faithful Catholics around the globe are praying for priestly vocations, bombarding heaven for holy priests, bishops and also brothers and religious women, yet, how can that happen unless men and women of faith find each other, marry, and form faithful Catholic families? The wellspring of holy vocations, the source of new priests, brothers, nuns, and religious sisters is the christian home, afterall. Our future Bishops will arise from the willingness of a man and woman to come together in Holy Matrimony, love each other, and raise their children in the faith. What will become of us if Christian marriage falls out of fashion?

A Model for Success

As we talked my lovely friend turned to her experience with dating, marriage and discernment. She told me that she herself had some trouble figuring this stuff out at first, because for a long time she was certain she had a religious vocation. In fact, she said she’d spent four years actively pursuing religious life: praying the daily office, visiting convents, working with a vocation director. She even waited for her Bishop’s permission to create a new order, which to her deep disappointment, was finally denied to her. She said when these doors to religious life kept closing, she took it really hard, because she believed that consecrated religious life was the best way for her to be truly holy, and give everything to God.

I asked her what changed her mind about marriage. I mean, since she was so enthusiastic about becoming a sister, how did she end up getting on the path to marriage? My friend said it was her vocation director who triggered the idea in her mind. One day, while she was having a meeting with her, she simply said: “why don’t you try dating?”

The suggestion startled her. Having spent years in active pursuit of poverty, chastity and obedience, with none other than Jesus as her Betrothed, she had never seriously thought about looking around for a mere man to love. Her director related to her the observation that upon this novel suggestion her face had “lit up.” This momentary lightening of her countenance hinted to my friend that she indeed had some kind of desire for married life, deep in her heart. Yet the idea had always stood in conflict with her presuppositions about what she had to do in order to fully give herself to God.

Her director pointed out that if she truly had a vocation to marriage, she would probably become more holy through being married than she would be if she were to become a nun. That reasoning satisfied her enough to give dating a try.

My friend told me she’s the kind of person who puts her whole heart and soul into everything she attempts to do. (I can relate!) So she set about immediately searching for a man to spend her life with. That meant lots of prayer and lots of action. She created an online profile on a Catholic dating site, and let her friends and family know she was looking. Knowing her, I can assume she prayed ardently to find the spouse that God wanted for her. These are some of the same actions I took, and I highly recommend them. Let’s take a brief look at what she did.

Set up a profile

First of all, if you are serious about finding someone to share your life with—especially if you need or want to get on with your marriage vocation quickly—it would be foolish not to use these online tools. I will write more about everything I have learned firsthand about using online match-making sites; how to use them properly and to your best advantage, in another article. Suffice it to say, it is a very basic step in moving forward with marriage today. Once you have made a decision, and you are willing to take action, setting up an online profile is perhaps the most basic, concrete step you can begin to take right here and now. You may not actually meet your spouse that way—although it’s just as likely that you will. Yet this simple action will prove to you and to others that you mean business. If you are more than 26 years old, and you don’t think you need to use online dating to find someone who is free to marry, and genuinely shares your Catholic faith—in this society—I would suggest you need a reality check. If you’re still running around on the campus of a Catholic college, or young enough that the majority of the kids at your local Newman Center are about your age and single, then maybe you can skip it…but is that really your case?

Talk About it Openly

The other important step she took was to communicate openly about her desire for marriage with trusted people in her social circle. Why is this such a strange idea? If you were looking for housing, a car or job, wouldn’t you talk to everyone you know about it? Wouldn’t you ask your friends and family to let you know of any ‘leads?’ Many, many people meet their significant other through introductions by friends and family. These are the people that really know you, and they presumably know your values. They also want what’s best for you. You may feel embarrassed, but then, why should you? This is your future we’re talking about here. Are you not willing to be open and honest about your intentions? If you are not, perhaps you might need to turn to God in prayer and ask Him to give you the courage. It’s really important for you to be open and honest with yourself, God and others about this process. Failing to do so would be to let fear win the day. It is also a sign of immaturity. Decide now to leave immaturity behind. Be open and transparent about what you value, and what you are looking for in life. Ask, and you shall receive, seek and you shall find.

Check Your Judgement With People You trust

If you don’t have a trusting relationship with your family, and you’re sure they might try to discourage or undermine your success, you must turn even more to your friends and faith community. Talk with them about your desire for marriage. Talk with them about your new dating philosophy and goals. Ask them to pray for you to find a spouse, and to overcome whatever obstacles may be in your path that may be blocking you from fulfilling your vocation to holy marriage.

If you lack trustworthy, virtuous friends that you can share yourself with on an authentic basis, this is a problem that you need to rectify immediately if you hope to make good decisions about a potential partner. True friendship and authentic community is vitally important for any discernment process. You need their prayers, and you also need their input. Your friends will help you in some very important ways. If they care about you, and have good sense, they will help you avoid wasting your time with the wrong person. They may also help you in staying the course with the right person for you. They often can see you better than you can see yourself. This doesn’t mean your choice of spouse should be left up to them. God, with your cooperation and effort, will ultimately choose your spouse. Yet, you need your community to keep you on firm spiritual ground as you move through this process.

There are also practical benefits to talking about your marriage goals and ideals with people in your inner circle. Obviously, some of them will want to get involved in helping you find your next date. They may become enthusiastic about this, and by all means, let them! A helpful friend might invite you to a double date with them. A relative might know of a virtuous man or woman who is also looking, and look for a way to introduce the two of you. What a lovely, and wonderfully ‘old-fashioned’ way to meet someone! Those who plan parties or dinners may consider your needs when making invitations and seating arrangements. These can all lead to more dates, and thus more opportunities to grow. So talk to your people, and tell them what you’re doing.

“Stick with the winners”

Also, discuss your dating and discernment journey with people who are successful in this area themselves. Happily married, engaged and dating people have so much to teach you about what they did, and are doing, to make this stuff happen. By the same token, be wary of bending your ear to those who are not successful in relationships. Think about it, if you constantly surround yourself with people who have gotten nowhere with this process themselves; have had their relationships or marriages destroyed, are constantly getting stuck on the wrong person, or falling into sexual sin; can’t seem to find anyone; harbor deep resentments and fears about the opposite sex; or other issues that prevent them from finding a date, a serious relationship or a spouse, what do you think you will get? Do you really want to follow their lead? I don’t mean you have to ditch your single friends. But do focus your attention and conversation on those who are on the same hopeful path as you are; people who are where you want to be; who have made a lot of progress in this area of life. Discuss your situation with those whose lives demonstrate that they have learned a thing or two about this whole ‘grow up and marry’ thing. These people won’t have all the answers, but they will have a much more valuable perspective for you than someone who is chronically stuck. Above all, steer clear of venting, complaining and commiserating. It doesn’t work. As they say in 12 step recovery circles: “stick with the winners.”

“When man prays, God listens; when man obeys God acts.”

The issue of prayer in regards to vocation seeking is so fundamental, I’ll have to write at least one article dedicated to the subject. For now, I want to simply point out that my friend had already begun to develop herself spiritually in some important ways when she started her journey towards marriage. She was young and inexperienced, yet she was well formed in her faith, and had a deep sense of her obligation to God. She prayed daily, as I said, and was intent on carrying out God’s will in her life. She had already seized upon the courage that comes through a genuine faith. This faith did not lead her to inaction. On the contrary, trusting in her merciful Father enabled her to stand up and walk toward the good. The above quote comes from an old Oxford Group pamphlet I read a million years ago (the Oxford Groups was a Christian movement upon which Alcoholics Anonymous was founded at the beginning of the 20th century). I think this little aphorism sums up a key aspect of the true Christian attitude. It’s worth some reflection. I’ll put it this way: I really love and trust God, I will not lay around eating bonbons and then blame Him when nothing happens! I will get into action, seeking by all reasonable means to know and do his will for me, rather than relying on my own self-centered or misguided ideas. When I pray, I will pray “Thy will be done,” as Our Lord said.

How God Blessed Her Actions

My friend has a unique story. I will try to keep it general here because I haven’t asked her permission to publish it. I will say, though, that she did these things and they ended up working for her—almost miraculously, one might say. First, she made a decision to pursue marriage. She prayed to God about it frequently and ardently as she was accustomed to living a prayer-filled life, praying for God’s will to be done as she took action. She talked to her trusted friends and family about it. She created an online profile on one or more Catholic match-making websites.

Soon, she was contacted by a man on one of these sites. At first, she wasn’t too sure she liked his style of communicating, so she wrote him off—BUT—she knew better than to make decisions about her vocation in a vacuum. She discussed these things with a trusted spiritual friend who persuaded her to suspend her judgement, and give the guy a chance.

Good thing. It turned out that he was a wonderful man of faith with whom she had much in common. Not only that, it turned out that he had formerly lived with her brother—in the same monastery, actually. What an incredible coincidence! She discussed the matter with her brother, and was able to learn a lot from him about this man—his character, personality and values. What a heavenly help! She got a glowing and trustworthy endorsement from her brother, which seemed to confirm everything she was now learning about this guy through their initial meetings. Her attraction to this man grew as she learned and discovered more and more in their conversations and meetings together.

This man and woman had so much in common, not only because they had both ardently pursued religious life in the past, but because they both loved God. They both saw marriage as nothing less than God’s calling for them to aspire to holiness. They are now on this road to heaven together, fully dedicated to assisting each other through all the trials, sorrows and joys of this life. They pray together everyday, and the blessing of children is their most ardent prayer together. They are offering themselves to God, hand in hand. For them, matrimony is a holy vocation, and a promise of lifelong friendship, with the happy and natural enjoyment of shared intimacy, shared life, and shared suffering, made redemptive through Christ, especially through the grace of the Holy Sacrament of Matrimony.

Perhaps the principle here is that we can be mistaken about what God wants for us and from us; what specifically he’s calling us to do, even if we are following what appears to be holy inspiration. Sometimes our most cherished plans, even if well-intended, are really originating more from ourselves than from heaven. God always wants us to love and serve Him to our utmost. We can and should begin to do so right now. Yet a vocational commitment that requires certain circumstances and cooperation with others is a bit more complex. Doors do have to open—that’s up to God. Bold, deliberate and even tenacious action must be taken—that’s up to us. God is there to help us, not hinder us in our progress. We shouldn’t think that He is blocking us, but rather, directing us.

To cooperate with God requires humility, as well as open mindedness and perseverance. We have to follow His lead. He said “the meek shall inherit the earth.” The question is, am I willing to be meek to the will of God? For most of us, discipleship requires some real ego deflation. It requires us to grow beyond our unconscious assumptions about ourselves in order to find the truth of what God is really asking of us. We may not be called to the most honorable position society, or the most sublime conceivable role in the Church. God’s business for you may be more “down to earth” than you have previously imagined. Actions taken in true humility are certainly blessed by God, as the saints have shown us through the ages. Approached in this way, with humility, we know that God will help us to become as holy as we should.

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.

From the desire of being esteemed,

Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being loved…Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being extolled…Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being honored…Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being praised…Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being preferred to others…Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being consulted…Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being approved…Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of being humiliated…Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of being despised…Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of suffering rebukes…Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of being calumniated…Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of being forgotten…Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of being ridiculed…Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of being wronged…Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of being suspected…Deliver me, Jesus.

That others may be loved more than I,

Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be esteemed more than I…Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That, in the opinion of the world,

others may increase and I may decrease…Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be chosen and I set aside …Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be praised and I unnoticed …Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be preferred to me in everything…Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should…

Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

—The Litany of Humility

Should I Date Someone of a Different Faith?

Should people date only within their own religion, denomination or rite? Should Catholics date only Catholics?

This is a question that I have been asked by a reader who is quite serious about her Catholic faith, as am I. I will answer it immediately, since it really is an important issue for so many of us. The answer is: yes and no.

Here’s the thing: there are several phases of dating that we need to distinguish. There are also several different reasons and purposes for dating. I’ve noted these elsewhere and will continue to unpack them in the coming sections. What is true for one phase of dating is not necessarily true for another.

An ‘Open Door’ Policy

If you are one of those people who really needs help in the dating arena—say, you have trouble with the concept of dating in general; you’ve never really dated; you haven’t been on a date in a long time; you’ve been stuck in some kind of rut; you’re hung-up on the wrong person and not able to be open to anyone else—then I would urge you to practice an ‘open door’ policy with dating for a while.

Some might call this ‘casual dating.’ It’s a good description. After all, like my mother told me, all dating is casual, at least in the beginning. Yet for us, all dating is important. Don’t let the term casual dating suggest that this activity is not a vital and necessary growth challenge. No matter who you go out on a date with, or how unlikely you are to ever date them again, your willingness to carry out each date, and grow from it, is a step taken towards marriage—for you. This doesn’t mean each date is a step taken towards marriage with a particular person. This is such an important concept to grasp.

It’s About The Work

At this stage of dating, no matter who you go out with, or how many dates you go on, you are still a single person. You have more to learn—maybe a lot more to learn—about dating and relationships in general. You will benefit from all kinds of dating experiences at this stage. If you’re anything like me, when you finally do get into a dating situation where you are much more emotionally invested and the stakes are a lot higher, you will be grateful you did all the work you did while engaged in casual, exploratory, non-exclusive dating.

This work is about changing your mental and emotional ‘programming’— especially with regard to the opposite sex. This happens experientially. In other words you need practice. What will it take for you to become a person who dates? Someone who is comfortable with dating? Someone who gets a lot of dates? A man who is confident about asking women out on dates, and capable of carrying them out successfully? A woman who gets asked out on dates often, and knows how to handle these interactions with poise and good humor? How can dating become a normal part of the social landscape for you?

I believe growth and wisdom is gained through through experience. A doctor has to do years of field work with real people before he’s fully qualified, no matter how smart or well informed he is. Yes, standards are going to be very important indeed. However, when the first step toward the goal of marriage is dating itself—a changed attitude around dating, and a new experience of dating, those standards should be fairly simple and few.

Here’s the rule of thumb for the single person who has plenty to learn about the dating dance:

ANYONE courageous, friendly and well-intentioned enough to politely ask you out, deserves a half-hour of your time.

This goes for both men and women, respectively. It takes a great deal of courage for most people to ask anyone out on a date. You already know that much about this person, from the outset. They have some chutzpah. They also have an expressed intention to go on a date with you. Which already makes them more appropriate than someone who doesn’t want to go out with you!

In all charity, such a person deserves at least a brief hearing. Afterall, this person, regardless of their appearance, age, race, weight, etc., has valuable information for you. He or she is your key to growth. If this person is well-intentioned (and well, normal) enough to have a cup of coffee and a half-hour of conversation in a public place, then you should say yes. You need to say yes to that simple activity, and be willing to learn whatever you can about yourself and about life by following through.

Every Dating Experience Helps

I am telling you this because I practiced it myself. I went on many dates. I went on simple, uncomplicated dates with men who did not meet all of my criteria for a husband—or even for an exclusive dating partner. They did however meet the criteria necessary to go on one or two dates—the kind of casual dates that enabled me to practice dating.

These men rendered me a great service; they made it possible for me to date actual human beings! Going on dates with a less-than-perfect-match helped me vastly improve my communication skills, explore my feelings in relation to the opposite sex, and even heal certain traumatic memories (Oh, yes, its true. More on how to do this later). By cooperating with someone of the opposite sex, specifically on the project of dating, I learned about my needs, desires and fears in the context of dating, and had a nice enough time doing it, in most cases.

All these gentlemen helped me with an important task: they helped me grow closer to becoming capable of marriage. They helped me develop in wisdom and maturity, bringing me closer to my marriage goal. They helped me to become the kind of woman that a man like my husband could love, and to whom he could make his life-long commitment of fidelity.

I dated all sorts of men, even those I didn’t particularly like, because it was in my own best interest. If this sounds selfish, it really isn’t. I truly believe that each man I encountered while dating casually benefitted from these experiences, too. With few exceptions, these men, who were also working on their own personal goals, came away having learned more about their own values and worthiness because of how we interacted with each other on those dates. If nothing else, they learned, if they didn’t already know, that they can ask a girl out on a date, and she can say yes, and they can have a good time. I believe it is the behavior of women that informs men what is expected of them to a large degree, and how they are valued, and ultimately shapes the culture.

I Arrived at My Own Conclusions

Now, is it wise to enter into an exclusive dating relationship with someone who does not share your faith? You’ll have to make that determination yourself. The Catholic Church advises against it. I found out that, for me, it’s not a good idea. My parents are of different denominations, and this has cost them a great deal in terms of unity, and passing on any religious faith to us kids, I believe. It was so difficult to understand what to believe or how to act when my parents couldn’t agree on such important matters. I think I still experience troubles and doubts in the faith area because of my parents’ lack of unity. Maybe you can relate. But that’s another story.

I personally don’t recommend marrying anyone who differs on such a fundamental level from you. If you do believe God is really calling you to this particular cross, you’d better be guided every step of the way by a priest or spiritual director you trust. It’s a very difficult road indeed. For Catholics, it requires special dispensation, along with the express promise that the children will be baptized and brought-up Catholic. Inter-religious marriage for Catholics is permissible, but not beneficial.

The good news is, unless you are dealing with a specific person you are dating exclusively right now, it really doesn’t matter. For myself, as I was learning to date, I kept a very open mind on this issue, because I knew I first needed to work on dating, communicating and interacting with men in general. So I started off by dating men, in general.

Through dating various men of different ages, religions, backgrounds, temperaments, racial extractions—I slowly came to realize how important the matter of shared faith is for me. This is one of the many things I learned by actually going out on dates. When I met the man who eventually became my husband, I realized that his remarkable qualities of faith and devotion outweighed many other concerns I might have been more bothered about ‘on-paper.’ I could evaluate our compatibilty in a more realistic way, because I had done a lot of work in this area already. I had learned, through dating, certain qualities that I always considered important to me before, were actually less important to me than this one thing. This knowledge enabled me to value my husband for his spiritual and moral qualities and let a number of other lesser issues go.

This sifting through qualities and assigning them the appropriate value is such an important part of the process of discernment. No partnership will be without its share of conflict. You will make some compromises for your spouse, as they will for you. I learned to what lengths I was willing to stretch myself to be with someone who has the virtue of faith to a great degree, because it became so very important to me. My past experience gave me much needed motivation to stay the course.

All that being established, if you are Catholic, and want to limit your dating pool to Catholics, I think this is a wise idea. If you are using online dating sites, you should obviously give priority to members who match you in the faith category, especially if faith is very important to you. I initially had trouble finding a large enough pool of Catholic men to date as often as I needed to work my dating ‘program’, as it were, so I broadened my circle to include Evangelicals and other Christians, with whom I had enough in common (at the time) to at least consider as potential partners. I also went on plenty of dates with men of no particular faith, as long as they were interested and polite enough to ask me.

Being Honest

I actually never said ‘no’ to a date on the basis of religion. I did say ‘no’ several times on the basis of chastity. This was certainly true early on in my journey. There were times that even though part of me would just love to get involved with this person, I had to admit that our mutual interest was laden with impure intentions, and dating this person would almost certainly lead to sexual sin.

I have to admit I’ve had to break away from dating someone who’s faith was outside of credal Christianity (he was a Jahova’s Witness). This was a bit of a challenge as we were very attracted to each other. Yet, I could easily see that the attraction was superficial in the end, because we knew that our religious differences were a ‘deal breaker’ for both of us. It took fortitude to say ‘no, thank you’ to that one. I had a similar challenge breaking away from a few different agnostic/atheist men I dated over the years. Yet, I learned how to bow out gracefully before things went too far. Even when I did screw-up in this regard, I learned. I made use of the Sacrament of Confession and I learned. Even without falling into sin, I learned from all of them.

Chastity is a real challenge for most of us. Things did happen more often with atheists, agnostics and non-Christians, who had no qualms about sexual activity outside of marriage. But here’s the thing: I also had problems staying chaste with devout Christians and Catholics, too. If you are having difficulty with purity and chastity yourself, and you think dating only within your faith will prevent anything inappropriate from happening, I would suggest this is more of a spiritual problem between you and God, than a problem with the other person’s beliefs. Chastity starts with your willingness to be honest with yourself, God and others. Each situation will require rigorous honesty, and willingness to act on your principles, among other things.

It is this very practice of honesty—with yourself, with God and with the people you encounter in the dating dance, that will enable you to grow up and marry.

Why ‘Grow Up and Marry’?

Well, that’s the 64 trillion dollar question. The short answer is this: because you were called by God to do this. Most likely. I’m going to point out here that as a Roman Catholic, I am grateful that there is a small fraction of humanity who are specifically called by God to remain celibate, and in many of those cases, to consecrate their lives publicly to God through The Sacrament of Holy Orders or through some other form of what we Catholics call ‘religious life.’ And this is extremely good. These people need our support in every way. Even for those who are not able to do formal consecration for one reason or another, there are many who have been handed a cross – a spiritual challenge – to remain unmarried and to serve God in some other way on Earth. Many amazing people carry this cross, with God’s help, because it is absolutely the best thing for them to do, and they will surely have their reward. But, guess what? That’s NOT most people!

“Certainly the whole subject of marriage is of the greatest interest to the majority of people. It should be. It was intended that most people should marry, and most people do marry.”
Fr. Raphael C. McCarthy, S.J. (1945)

This is something that so many of my Catholic friends, both men and women, young and old, keep getting confused: the vocation to religious life is not what MOST people are called to do! It’s also not a default escape route for someone who is having a tough time figuring out how to navigate the social, emotional, spiritual and biological realities that pertain to attraction, dating, courtship, love, marriage, sexuality, childbirth, parenting, providing for a family and so on. The odds are, if you’re reading this, you are probably supposed to grow-up and marry, if you haven’t already. Perhaps you already suspect that this is true, but you just don’t want to admit it – yet.

Let’s say you’re not married. You have been telling yourself, maybe for a long time, that you probably should pursue religious life. But is this really true in your case? Come on.

Okay, it may be true. If it is, go find a vocation director at once and discuss it with them. Go ahead. But if you’re reading this, you know there is probably another side. The thing is this: you, like the vast majority of human beings on earth, including your ancestors, are probably meant to marry and have children. In fact, we are all biologically designed for it. Yet to actually do this, as you are beginning to suspect, you probably have some serious growing up to do. Also, you realize the clock is ticking (this is especially true for women, but men also need to pay attention to this), so you know need to figure this stuff out fast. So what are you waiting for? Not making a decision IS a decision, and it has consequences. Besides, even if you don’t manage to accomplish all this, it’s definitely God’s natural plan for human flourishing. So what excuse do you really have not to try? To “grow up and marry” is, for the vast majority of people, the natural, normal, just, spiritual, practical, smart, prudent, strategic, wise, joyful, blessed, privileged, hopeful, righteous thing to do. And if I were betting, I’d say that means you. Now, why is that so hard to swallow, huh?

I’ll tell you why: FEAR. That’s it. Okay, okay. There are other reasons too. Ignorance of what to do and how to do it is big as well. Also, misinformation, old ideas, childish habits and misconceptions, wounds and addictions that my be blocking you from receiving what you desire most in your heart of hearts and accepting what God is asking of you. Its complicated, its unclear, its messy, scary and hard. To many good people, it seems impossible. It shouldn’t be. It’s God’s plan, after all.

That’s why I’ve plunked down my hard-earned cash and my time – in between nursing a baby and wrestling a toddler – to create this website. After yet another wonderful person walked through my door yesterday with the same problems, fears, confusion, hurts and misconceptions that I see in so many Catholics and other seekers I’ve met (who seek me out, actually, on this issue), I have decided I have to write this stuff down. If for nothing else, it can be a go-to resource for those who are searching for good, reliable (Catholic) input on the matter.

I named this site “Grow Up and Marry” after an old pamphlet that a dear friend gave to me along with a bundle of antiquated Catholic literature that my husband and I (and many other nerdy-traditional-Catholic types love to collect). She sent a pic of it to my phone first, and I nearly busted a seam laughing at the title. It sounds like the sort of thing I would say, and probably have said to people on a few occasions.

If the sentiment seems too salty and brash for you – sorry. I hope you stick around and read anyway. I learned a lot of what I have to say from the ol’ salts at the ol’ A&A club (you know the one I mean) and that’s just the why we tend to speak to one another. Hard to light a fire under the backside of a donkey (or someone about die from despair) without a little heat and friction. Also, this stuff can get kind of heavy, and we absolutely CANNOT afford take our selves too seriously. My language about these matters will tend to reflect my past experience – which is not typical “nice” Catholic girl experience. More on that later.

“Grow Up and Marry,” the pamphlet by Frs. Raphael McCarthy S.J. and Daniel A. Lord S.J., is quite good. If you’re looking for it, it was published by The Queen’s Work, St. Louis, MO, 1945. I’ll cover it, and many other resources, as I continue. There’s so much to unpack, so bear with me as I work through these topics. I appreciate your feedback and your questions. This site is for me and for you. Its for fun and for free. At least at the moment. It is my hope and prayer that all who are wrestling with their inner demons may find value in these pages, and grow up in what ever ways they most need to – if not to marry, at least to fly straiter on the path to the ultimate happiness and fulfillment that God has for us, in this life and in the next.