Recently, my husband and I were having dinner with another married couple we know. These two are devout, traditional Catholics. Although they have their share of hardship—neither one of them is perfect nor is their relationship perfect—it’s plain to see they love each other, and God, very much indeed.
As our husbands were talking in the kitchen, and my babies played on the floor, I sat down with the lady of the house and told her about this writing project I’m doing—”Grow Up and Marry.” She was thrilled, and agreed that far too many men and women of faith were just not finding each other and not getting married. We discussed how this is a perplexing problem for individuals and society, too. Not to mention the Catholic Church—which desperately needs to raise up a new generation of priests and religious to lift us out of this period of darkness and confusion we’re all going through on so many levels. Faithful Catholics around the globe are praying for priestly vocations, bombarding heaven for holy priests, bishops and also brothers and religious women, yet, how can that happen unless men and women of faith find each other, marry, and form faithful Catholic families? The wellspring of holy vocations, the source of new priests, brothers, nuns, and religious sisters is the christian home, afterall. Our future Bishops will arise from the willingness of a man and woman to come together in Holy Matrimony, love each other, and raise their children in the faith. What will become of us if Christian marriage falls out of fashion?
A Model for Success
As we talked my lovely friend turned to her experience with dating, marriage and discernment. She told me that she herself had some trouble figuring this stuff out at first, because for a long time she was certain she had a religious vocation. In fact, she said she’d spent four years actively pursuing religious life: praying the daily office, visiting convents, working with a vocation director. She even waited for her Bishop’s permission to create a new order, which to her deep disappointment, was finally denied to her. She said when these doors to religious life kept closing, she took it really hard, because she believed that consecrated religious life was the best way for her to be truly holy, and give everything to God.
I asked her what changed her mind about marriage. I mean, since she was so enthusiastic about becoming a sister, how did she end up getting on the path to marriage? My friend said it was her vocation director who triggered the idea in her mind. One day, while she was having a meeting with her, she simply said: “why don’t you try dating?”
The suggestion startled her. Having spent years in active pursuit of poverty, chastity and obedience, with none other than Jesus as her Betrothed, she had never seriously thought about looking around for a mere man to love. Her director related to her the observation that upon this novel suggestion her face had “lit up.” This momentary lightening of her countenance hinted to my friend that she indeed had some kind of desire for married life, deep in her heart. Yet the idea had always stood in conflict with her presuppositions about what she had to do in order to fully give herself to God.
Her director pointed out that if she truly had a vocation to marriage, she would probably become more holy through being married than she would be if she were to become a nun. That reasoning satisfied her enough to give dating a try.
My friend told me she’s the kind of person who puts her whole heart and soul into everything she attempts to do. (I can relate!) So she set about immediately searching for a man to spend her life with. That meant lots of prayer and lots of action. She created an online profile on a Catholic dating site, and let her friends and family know she was looking. Knowing her, I can assume she prayed ardently to find the spouse that God wanted for her. These are some of the same actions I took, and I highly recommend them. Let’s take a brief look at what she did.
Set up a profile
First of all, if you are serious about finding someone to share your life with—especially if you need or want to get on with your marriage vocation quickly—it would be foolish not to use these online tools. I will write more about everything I have learned firsthand about using online match-making sites; how to use them properly and to your best advantage, in another article. Suffice it to say, it is a very basic step in moving forward with marriage today. Once you have made a decision, and you are willing to take action, setting up an online profile is perhaps the most basic, concrete step you can begin to take right here and now. You may not actually meet your spouse that way—although it’s just as likely that you will. Yet this simple action will prove to you and to others that you mean business. If you are more than 26 years old, and you don’t think you need to use online dating to find someone who is free to marry, and genuinely shares your Catholic faith—in this society—I would suggest you need a reality check. If you’re still running around on the campus of a Catholic college, or young enough that the majority of the kids at your local Newman Center are about your age and single, then maybe you can skip it…but is that really your case?
Talk About it Openly
The other important step she took was to communicate openly about her desire for marriage with trusted people in her social circle. Why is this such a strange idea? If you were looking for housing, a car or job, wouldn’t you talk to everyone you know about it? Wouldn’t you ask your friends and family to let you know of any ‘leads?’ Many, many people meet their significant other through introductions by friends and family. These are the people that really know you, and they presumably know your values. They also want what’s best for you. You may feel embarrassed, but then, why should you? This is your future we’re talking about here. Are you not willing to be open and honest about your intentions? If you are not, perhaps you might need to turn to God in prayer and ask Him to give you the courage. It’s really important for you to be open and honest with yourself, God and others about this process. Failing to do so would be to let fear win the day. It is also a sign of immaturity. Decide now to leave immaturity behind. Be open and transparent about what you value, and what you are looking for in life. Ask, and you shall receive, seek and you shall find.
Check Your Judgement With People You trust
If you don’t have a trusting relationship with your family, and you’re sure they might try to discourage or undermine your success, you must turn even more to your friends and faith community. Talk with them about your desire for marriage. Talk with them about your new dating philosophy and goals. Ask them to pray for you to find a spouse, and to overcome whatever obstacles may be in your path that may be blocking you from fulfilling your vocation to holy marriage.
If you lack trustworthy, virtuous friends that you can share yourself with on an authentic basis, this is a problem that you need to rectify immediately if you hope to make good decisions about a potential partner. True friendship and authentic community is vitally important for any discernment process. You need their prayers, and you also need their input. Your friends will help you in some very important ways. If they care about you, and have good sense, they will help you avoid wasting your time with the wrong person. They may also help you in staying the course with the right person for you. They often can see you better than you can see yourself. This doesn’t mean your choice of spouse should be left up to them. God, with your cooperation and effort, will ultimately choose your spouse. Yet, you need your community to keep you on firm spiritual ground as you move through this process.
There are also practical benefits to talking about your marriage goals and ideals with people in your inner circle. Obviously, some of them will want to get involved in helping you find your next date. They may become enthusiastic about this, and by all means, let them! A helpful friend might invite you to a double date with them. A relative might know of a virtuous man or woman who is also looking, and look for a way to introduce the two of you. What a lovely, and wonderfully ‘old-fashioned’ way to meet someone! Those who plan parties or dinners may consider your needs when making invitations and seating arrangements. These can all lead to more dates, and thus more opportunities to grow. So talk to your people, and tell them what you’re doing.
“Stick with the winners”
Also, discuss your dating and discernment journey with people who are successful in this area themselves. Happily married, engaged and dating people have so much to teach you about what they did, and are doing, to make this stuff happen. By the same token, be wary of bending your ear to those who are not successful in relationships. Think about it, if you constantly surround yourself with people who have gotten nowhere with this process themselves; have had their relationships or marriages destroyed, are constantly getting stuck on the wrong person, or falling into sexual sin; can’t seem to find anyone; harbor deep resentments and fears about the opposite sex; or other issues that prevent them from finding a date, a serious relationship or a spouse, what do you think you will get? Do you really want to follow their lead? I don’t mean you have to ditch your single friends. But do focus your attention and conversation on those who are on the same hopeful path as you are; people who are where you want to be; who have made a lot of progress in this area of life. Discuss your situation with those whose lives demonstrate that they have learned a thing or two about this whole ‘grow up and marry’ thing. These people won’t have all the answers, but they will have a much more valuable perspective for you than someone who is chronically stuck. Above all, steer clear of venting, complaining and commiserating. It doesn’t work. As they say in 12 step recovery circles: “stick with the winners.”
“When man prays, God listens; when man obeys God acts.”
The issue of prayer in regards to vocation seeking is so fundamental, I’ll have to write at least one article dedicated to the subject. For now, I want to simply point out that my friend had already begun to develop herself spiritually in some important ways when she started her journey towards marriage. She was young and inexperienced, yet she was well formed in her faith, and had a deep sense of her obligation to God. She prayed daily, as I said, and was intent on carrying out God’s will in her life. She had already seized upon the courage that comes through a genuine faith. This faith did not lead her to inaction. On the contrary, trusting in her merciful Father enabled her to stand up and walk toward the good. The above quote comes from an old Oxford Group pamphlet I read a million years ago (the Oxford Groups was a Christian movement upon which Alcoholics Anonymous was founded at the beginning of the 20th century). I think this little aphorism sums up a key aspect of the true Christian attitude. It’s worth some reflection. I’ll put it this way: I really love and trust God, I will not lay around eating bonbons and then blame Him when nothing happens! I will get into action, seeking by all reasonable means to know and do his will for me, rather than relying on my own self-centered or misguided ideas. When I pray, I will pray “Thy will be done,” as Our Lord said.
How God Blessed Her Actions
My friend has a unique story. I will try to keep it general here because I haven’t asked her permission to publish it. I will say, though, that she did these things and they ended up working for her—almost miraculously, one might say. First, she made a decision to pursue marriage. She prayed to God about it frequently and ardently as she was accustomed to living a prayer-filled life, praying for God’s will to be done as she took action. She talked to her trusted friends and family about it. She created an online profile on one or more Catholic match-making websites.
Soon, she was contacted by a man on one of these sites. At first, she wasn’t too sure she liked his style of communicating, so she wrote him off—BUT—she knew better than to make decisions about her vocation in a vacuum. She discussed these things with a trusted spiritual friend who persuaded her to suspend her judgement, and give the guy a chance.
Good thing. It turned out that he was a wonderful man of faith with whom she had much in common. Not only that, it turned out that he had formerly lived with her brother—in the same monastery, actually. What an incredible coincidence! She discussed the matter with her brother, and was able to learn a lot from him about this man—his character, personality and values. What a heavenly help! She got a glowing and trustworthy endorsement from her brother, which seemed to confirm everything she was now learning about this guy through their initial meetings. Her attraction to this man grew as she learned and discovered more and more in their conversations and meetings together.
This man and woman had so much in common, not only because they had both ardently pursued religious life in the past, but because they both loved God. They both saw marriage as nothing less than God’s calling for them to aspire to holiness. They are now on this road to heaven together, fully dedicated to assisting each other through all the trials, sorrows and joys of this life. They pray together everyday, and the blessing of children is their most ardent prayer together. They are offering themselves to God, hand in hand. For them, matrimony is a holy vocation, and a promise of lifelong friendship, with the happy and natural enjoyment of shared intimacy, shared life, and shared suffering, made redemptive through Christ, especially through the grace of the Holy Sacrament of Matrimony.
Perhaps the principle here is that we can be mistaken about what God wants for us and from us; what specifically he’s calling us to do, even if we are following what appears to be holy inspiration. Sometimes our most cherished plans, even if well-intended, are really originating more from ourselves than from heaven. God always wants us to love and serve Him to our utmost. We can and should begin to do so right now. Yet a vocational commitment that requires certain circumstances and cooperation with others is a bit more complex. Doors do have to open—that’s up to God. Bold, deliberate and even tenacious action must be taken—that’s up to us. God is there to help us, not hinder us in our progress. We shouldn’t think that He is blocking us, but rather, directing us.
To cooperate with God requires humility, as well as open mindedness and perseverance. We have to follow His lead. He said “the meek shall inherit the earth.” The question is, am I willing to be meek to the will of God? For most of us, discipleship requires some real ego deflation. It requires us to grow beyond our unconscious assumptions about ourselves in order to find the truth of what God is really asking of us. We may not be called to the most honorable position society, or the most sublime conceivable role in the Church. God’s business for you may be more “down to earth” than you have previously imagined. Actions taken in true humility are certainly blessed by God, as the saints have shown us through the ages. Approached in this way, with humility, we know that God will help us to become as holy as we should.
O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed,
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being loved…Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being extolled…Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being honored…Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being praised…Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being preferred to others…Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being consulted…Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being approved…Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being humiliated…Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being despised…Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of suffering rebukes…Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being calumniated…Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being forgotten…Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being ridiculed…Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being wronged…Deliver me, Jesus.
From the fear of being suspected…Deliver me, Jesus.
That others may be loved more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I…Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That, in the opinion of the world,
others may increase and I may decrease…Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be chosen and I set aside …Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be praised and I unnoticed …Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be preferred to me in everything…Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should…
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
—The Litany of Humility
Grow Up and Marry! 