Well, that’s the 64 trillion dollar question. The short answer is this: because you were called by God to do this. Most likely. I’m going to point out here that as a Roman Catholic, I am grateful that there is a small fraction of humanity who are specifically called by God to remain celibate, and in many of those cases, to consecrate their lives publicly to God through The Sacrament of Holy Orders or through some other form of what we Catholics call ‘religious life.’ And this is extremely good. These people need our support in every way. Even for those who are not able to do formal consecration for one reason or another, there are many who have been handed a cross – a spiritual challenge – to remain unmarried and to serve God in some other way on Earth. Many amazing people carry this cross, with God’s help, because it is absolutely the best thing for them to do, and they will surely have their reward. But, guess what? That’s NOT most people!
“Certainly the whole subject of marriage is of the greatest interest to the majority of people. It should be. It was intended that most people should marry, and most people do marry.”
Fr. Raphael C. McCarthy, S.J. (1945)
This is something that so many of my Catholic friends, both men and women, young and old, keep getting confused: the vocation to religious life is not what MOST people are called to do! It’s also not a default escape route for someone who is having a tough time figuring out how to navigate the social, emotional, spiritual and biological realities that pertain to attraction, dating, courtship, love, marriage, sexuality, childbirth, parenting, providing for a family and so on. The odds are, if you’re reading this, you are probably supposed to grow-up and marry, if you haven’t already. Perhaps you already suspect that this is true, but you just don’t want to admit it – yet.
Let’s say you’re not married. You have been telling yourself, maybe for a long time, that you probably should pursue religious life. But is this really true in your case? Come on.
Okay, it may be true. If it is, go find a vocation director at once and discuss it with them. Go ahead. But if you’re reading this, you know there is probably another side. The thing is this: you, like the vast majority of human beings on earth, including your ancestors, are probably meant to marry and have children. In fact, we are all biologically designed for it. Yet to actually do this, as you are beginning to suspect, you probably have some serious growing up to do. Also, you realize the clock is ticking (this is especially true for women, but men also need to pay attention to this), so you know need to figure this stuff out fast. So what are you waiting for? Not making a decision IS a decision, and it has consequences. Besides, even if you don’t manage to accomplish all this, it’s definitely God’s natural plan for human flourishing. So what excuse do you really have not to try? To “grow up and marry” is, for the vast majority of people, the natural, normal, just, spiritual, practical, smart, prudent, strategic, wise, joyful, blessed, privileged, hopeful, righteous thing to do. And if I were betting, I’d say that means you. Now, why is that so hard to swallow, huh?
I’ll tell you why: FEAR. That’s it. Okay, okay. There are other reasons too. Ignorance of what to do and how to do it is big as well. Also, misinformation, old ideas, childish habits and misconceptions, wounds and addictions that my be blocking you from receiving what you desire most in your heart of hearts and accepting what God is asking of you. Its complicated, its unclear, its messy, scary and hard. To many good people, it seems impossible. It shouldn’t be. It’s God’s plan, after all.
That’s why I’ve plunked down my hard-earned cash and my time – in between nursing a baby and wrestling a toddler – to create this website. After yet another wonderful person walked through my door yesterday with the same problems, fears, confusion, hurts and misconceptions that I see in so many Catholics and other seekers I’ve met (who seek me out, actually, on this issue), I have decided I have to write this stuff down. If for nothing else, it can be a go-to resource for those who are searching for good, reliable (Catholic) input on the matter.
I named this site “Grow Up and Marry” after an old pamphlet that a dear friend gave to me along with a bundle of antiquated Catholic literature that my husband and I (and many other nerdy-traditional-Catholic types love to collect). She sent a pic of it to my phone first, and I nearly busted a seam laughing at the title. It sounds like the sort of thing I would say, and probably have said to people on a few occasions.
If the sentiment seems too salty and brash for you – sorry. I hope you stick around and read anyway. I learned a lot of what I have to say from the ol’ salts at the ol’ A&A club (you know the one I mean) and that’s just the why we tend to speak to one another. Hard to light a fire under the backside of a donkey (or someone about die from despair) without a little heat and friction. Also, this stuff can get kind of heavy, and we absolutely CANNOT afford take our selves too seriously. My language about these matters will tend to reflect my past experience – which is not typical “nice” Catholic girl experience. More on that later.
“Grow Up and Marry,” the pamphlet by Frs. Raphael McCarthy S.J. and Daniel A. Lord S.J., is quite good. If you’re looking for it, it was published by The Queen’s Work, St. Louis, MO, 1945. I’ll cover it, and many other resources, as I continue. There’s so much to unpack, so bear with me as I work through these topics. I appreciate your feedback and your questions. This site is for me and for you. Its for fun and for free. At least at the moment. It is my hope and prayer that all who are wrestling with their inner demons may find value in these pages, and grow up in what ever ways they most need to – if not to marry, at least to fly straiter on the path to the ultimate happiness and fulfillment that God has for us, in this life and in the next.
Grow Up and Marry! 