transformation – Grow Up and Marry!

You Must Go to Seed

“I am the true vine; and my Father is the husbandman. Every branch in me, that beareth not fruit, he will take away: and every one that beareth fruit, he will purge it, that it may bring forth more fruit.”
-Jesus
John 15:1–17

Working on this website has already helped me clarify a few things. I’ve been busy, like a gardener, filling in fields with words. It’s a bit like writing a social media post or sending a text to a friend. The difference is, what I’m writing here is meant to stay put and take root. The ideas are accumulating and becoming more clear.

“Well, it’s nothing really new,” my husband interjects. “Writing things down always helps to organize one’s thoughts.”

There’s something different about this work, though. I find myself making lists; collecting all the different topics, rationales, people who may be my intended readers. There’s so much variety, so much to pull together, it begs the question: what is the underlying message? I mean, what does a recovering alcoholic, an old family friend, someone from church, an admirer of my art, or a student—what do they all have in common as an audience? What’s the essence of the thing I have to share with them all? What brings them all into my world to hear what I have to say? Why do I want so much to say this thing to them?

A Dream of Love

I keep seeing this image and I want to share it with you. It comes from a powerful dream I had once. Its a real ‘Queen of Dreams,’ one of the few that stands above all others, like a star in the gloom of memory, static and true, illuminating the things below:

I’m at the studio in Seattle—which is really the old garage at my father’s house. I’m standing outside of the building, on the grass, where the bushes and vines are growing thickly around the hundred year-old structure. I look up: out of a hidden place beneath the overhanging roof, there comes a vine. It’s not an ordinary vine. It seems to emanate from inside the studio somewhere, growing out from the dark places underneath the roof. The vine grows toward me as I stand there, looking up, dazzled by its rapid growth. At once it delivers, down to my outstretched hand, a fruit. Not just any fruit, though—the most glorious, supernatural, beatific fruit I could ever imagine. It’s gigantic. It’s like a peach, but it is much more than a peach. Something impossibly good. Just to look upon it is to taste it’s goodness. Beholding it, I am overcome with love.

Fruitfulness—that is the greatest gift I could have been given. And the vision of that ‘Beatific Fruit’ is the message I have to give to you, dear reader. I want you to hear this, because I want you to have what your heart desires most in this world. It’s not just about getting married; there’s a much more fundamental process going on underneath all that. If you don’t attend to it, I’m afraid you may miss the opportunity to realize your dreams of love.

Our Lord commanded us to be fruitful and multiply. It’s so simple. This is what He wants from us. His imperative for us is not just about conceiving and giving birth to children—it certainly is about that in many instances, don’t be mistaken—but it’s also something more. Our Creator designed us to live and to germinate. We are His seeds.

Tell me, have you ever seen a seed germinate in the most unlikely of places? Ever seen a poor, hopeful bean sprout from a wet napkin? A lone flower push through a little crack in the concrete? Life finds a way. Life tries at all costs. Life is tenacious. Life obeys the imperative: be fruitful. That’s what He commanded us to do. Do it however you possibly can and to the fullest measure that you can. Find the light. Grow. Push through. Send down roots until you find the water. Push forth vines until you find the sun. Go to seed. You must go to seed.

When I was a little girl, I remember delighting in the ‘helicopter’ seed-pods that fell from the trees in our neighborhood. A breeze would come and you’d see them falling slowly through the air like little paratroopers. They’d spin around and catch the wind and end up all over the place. Some landed right underneath the mother tree, some spun and flew so far they’d make it into a neighboring yard; maybe to get covered by other leaves and rain and perhaps they’d germinate there. We can hope. Or else they’d land on the hard sidewalk, or on some other man-made surface, doomed to die.

They couldn’t all make it, of course. Yet each one of those little seeds was designed with an intricate plan inside them that enabled them to try—not necessarily to succeed—but to try and land in a good place where they could germinate and take root. Somehow or other, in the project of life, we all must try. We must try with all the tenacity of every living thing that God brought forth into this world. We are filled with God’s plan. If nothing else, we are filled with one, basic imperative from our Creator: go to seed. Germinate. Reproduce.

We must, must find a way to go to seed, or else die barren and cursed as that wretched fig tree that failed to give fruit when Jesus commanded it. This is what we don’t always like to hear. Catholics ought to know it, but more often these days, we don’t. We think like the world. We spend our lives accumulating prestige and comfort. We doubt the teachings of the Church; we convince ourselves we are within the bounds of the law. We withhold our fruit.

Lavinia Fontana (Italian, 1552–1614), “Noli me tangere,” 1581. Oil on canvas.

Be fruitful. At all costs and by all means, be fruitful and multiply. Plunge deep into the soil and find the water. Stretch up, and around and out—push through the obstructions, towards the light. You must.

I urge you not to make some of the same mistakes I did. Don’t leave our Lord with His hand outstretched and empty. Make the sacrifice. Don’t have the abortion; go back to your family and ask for help. Don’t just hang around cohabitating with that woman; marry her and set things right. Don’t drift through life looking for the next distraction; find a way to serve and sink yourself into that vocation. Don’t just hang around single—or deliberately, selfishly childless with your spouse, accumulating money and possessions to please yourself ; bear children—conceive, adopt or foster them—and pass on what you have to give. Don’t give up on God; search your own conscience, confess your sins, and try again. Don’t wallow in your heartbreak and disappointment; lighten your burden and ride the wind. Get yourself quickly to a better place where you may find soil enough to take root—you don’t have time to waste.

Sooner or later, we must all “go to seed.” That’s farmer lingo for reproduce. I guess I learned it from my dad, who grew up pretty poor, farming and raising animals for sustenance with his parents in rural Washington. When you see a plant making fruit, it’s going to seed. It knows it’s going to die soon, actually, and now it’s putting forth its greatest effort.

When I look up at the wall above our family table, I see a large crucifix hanging there. Thus, when I look at my own life, I can easily say: the end is near. Momento mori: remember your death. This sounds morbid, but it isn’t really. It’s the gospel: repent, for the The Kingdom of Heaven is at hand.

Haven’t we had enough of our selfish, self-seeking selves already? Haven’t we been injured enough from our self-centered attempts to control every outcome? To win every argument? Sooner or later we must let go of our selfishness. We must repent, die to self, and let that rotting, dead matter become fertilizer for the LIFE that God wants to germinate in us. Thus, what is really true and lasting in us—what is of God, can be reborn.

It’s critical in this mysterious process of surrender (that’s what this is all about really), that we identify with the part of ourselves that comes from God—the eternal, true, living part; not the passing away, rotting, dead part. If we cling to the dead part, we will be cut away, along with the dead things, and thrown to the burn-pile. That’s the way of the Gardener. He brings order to the wilderness in this way. He plants, prunes, nurtures, grafts, harvests, separates, and burns the trash. Take heed. Whichever part we cling to the most will determine where we end up. Cling to the true Vine. Let go of the dead things in yourself. Let God prune those away so you can live.

This all may seem rather esoteric and abstract. There will be more practical advice and input coming soon, I promise. But for now, let these images begin to prepare and fertilize the soil of your heart. Perhaps I am mixing too many metaphors here—I’m not as brilliant a poet as our Lord. Yet, maybe this eclectic, messy mixture will yield something good as we think together about what it may actually take, in your case, to “grow up and marry.”

Emotional Maturity (Part 1)

Emotional maturity, according Fr. Raphael McCarthy S.J., the author of the 1945 booklet after which this website is named, is the ability to regulate one’s emotions in proportion to the situation. To “manage his own emotional responses.” I can imagine an intelligent, accomplished woman reading this right now and thinking: “I’m emotionally mature. I’m 35. I have a master’s degree.” Or a man saying to himself, “That isn’t my problem. It’s my mom and sisters who are always freaking out. I’m the calm, reasonable one.”

Well, according to Fr. McCarthy, emotional immaturity, and all its attendant miseries, was a problem for many of the good people he encountered as a priest helping couples and families in his day.

“People just do not grow up. One of the parties in the marriage remains emotionally immature. He or she goes on playing a child’s game in a state of life that demands the emotions and feelings of an adult.”

The biggest difference between the demographic Fr. McCarthy was dealing with back in the 40s, and the people he would most likely meet today, is this: back then, people got into relationships with other human beings, and usually ended up married. Hopefully, most were able to grow up and out of their deficiencies together, or at least to practice acceptance, thus living out their marital promises. Yet, today, many people don’t even bother. They despair, actually. They never embrace the necessary challenge that marriage entails. Anticipating that marriage requires a certain degree of emotional maturity to succeed, they avoid marriage altogether. In fact, many of them don’t even attempt to date!

From the reading, one gets the sense that the couples Fr. McCarthy was counseling were young, naive, and eager to marry. This is presumably because in 1945, when people felt a strong attraction to each other, or just really wanted to have sex, that’s what they did. By contrast, the people I’m encountering in my circles are usually older—30s and 40s or beyond. Although they might have assumed marriage as inevitable (that’s a bit different than having a desire), they realize now that its just not happening. Some are perplexed and desperate to figure it out before it’s too late. But many are so diffident, confused and frankly afraid, that they fail to get out of their comfort zone. They say they probably should get married, and yet that they seem to avoid the real issues that come up when they think about what marriage may mean for their specific case.

This trend is not limited to non-religious people who say they have no moral objection to drifting from one meaningless sexual-encounter to another; living with someone until they inevitably go their separate ways; substituting porn, fantasy and masturbation for a genuine relationship with an actual human being. I always try to encourage these people, many of whom I love dearly, to find a better way. What’s more astounding, though, is that I see many of the same self-sabotaging beliefs and patterns among faithful Catholics—and I mean ardent Catholics who accept the teachings of the Church, attend mass once or more a week, and go to Confession!

What’s the deal? Why are good-looking, intelligent, well-formed, faithful Catholics (and other conscientious people) failing to form relationships that leads to marriage? Let’s look at the idea of ’emotional maturity’ again. I honestly feel like a hypocrite talking about this, because I am not exactly a poster-child for emotional maturity myself. Who am I to lecture anyone about it? On the other hand, even though I am not perfect, I did get married.

Let me reiterate how non-perfect I am: I was an alcoholic stoner in my twenties who slept around—and around— looking for Mr. Goodbar. I had an abortion, and then developed a severe anxiety disorder. My biggest fear at the time was not so much dying of alcoholism—although that could have happened—rather, it was a vision of myself as an old woman with no friends, no family and no love in her life; peering out of windows and muttering psychotically to herself. I could see my life headed toward a desperate end. In fact, inside, despite my apparent successes, I was already desperate. I was, as they say, “spiritually bankrupt.” So I asked for help.

I had no faith to speak of, but I was okay with the “God-thing,” as long as it wasn’t Church. I entered that anonymous club for extremely imperfect people (you know, the one with the 12 Steps?). I made a decision, by God’s grace, to change—and change and change and change! I agreed, as a part of that huge undertaking, that I was going to keep changing and growing and transforming, according to whatever God wanted me to do and be, as a way of life. I agreed to throw away my old ideas and become like a little child, in order to grow up. I’m still living according to that initial agreement with God. Everything that I have, including my marriage, is built on it.

That’s the ironic thing. To develop any degree of emotional maturity—at least enough to quit drinking and doing self-destructive things, I had to become truly child-like. I had to “let go and let God” manage my life—including my emotions. This seems like a rather spiritual and mysterious proposition, and believe me, it was and is. To grow up at all, I had to put my pride on the altar of sacrifice, and ‘become a child’ in the way Jesus told us that we must be, or else lose the Kingdom.

Why ‘Grow Up and Marry’?

Well, that’s the 64 trillion dollar question. The short answer is this: because you were called by God to do this. Most likely. I’m going to point out here that as a Roman Catholic, I am grateful that there is a small fraction of humanity who are specifically called by God to remain celibate, and in many of those cases, to consecrate their lives publicly to God through The Sacrament of Holy Orders or through some other form of what we Catholics call ‘religious life.’ And this is extremely good. These people need our support in every way. Even for those who are not able to do formal consecration for one reason or another, there are many who have been handed a cross – a spiritual challenge – to remain unmarried and to serve God in some other way on Earth. Many amazing people carry this cross, with God’s help, because it is absolutely the best thing for them to do, and they will surely have their reward. But, guess what? That’s NOT most people!

“Certainly the whole subject of marriage is of the greatest interest to the majority of people. It should be. It was intended that most people should marry, and most people do marry.”
Fr. Raphael C. McCarthy, S.J. (1945)

This is something that so many of my Catholic friends, both men and women, young and old, keep getting confused: the vocation to religious life is not what MOST people are called to do! It’s also not a default escape route for someone who is having a tough time figuring out how to navigate the social, emotional, spiritual and biological realities that pertain to attraction, dating, courtship, love, marriage, sexuality, childbirth, parenting, providing for a family and so on. The odds are, if you’re reading this, you are probably supposed to grow-up and marry, if you haven’t already. Perhaps you already suspect that this is true, but you just don’t want to admit it – yet.

Let’s say you’re not married. You have been telling yourself, maybe for a long time, that you probably should pursue religious life. But is this really true in your case? Come on.

Okay, it may be true. If it is, go find a vocation director at once and discuss it with them. Go ahead. But if you’re reading this, you know there is probably another side. The thing is this: you, like the vast majority of human beings on earth, including your ancestors, are probably meant to marry and have children. In fact, we are all biologically designed for it. Yet to actually do this, as you are beginning to suspect, you probably have some serious growing up to do. Also, you realize the clock is ticking (this is especially true for women, but men also need to pay attention to this), so you know need to figure this stuff out fast. So what are you waiting for? Not making a decision IS a decision, and it has consequences. Besides, even if you don’t manage to accomplish all this, it’s definitely God’s natural plan for human flourishing. So what excuse do you really have not to try? To “grow up and marry” is, for the vast majority of people, the natural, normal, just, spiritual, practical, smart, prudent, strategic, wise, joyful, blessed, privileged, hopeful, righteous thing to do. And if I were betting, I’d say that means you. Now, why is that so hard to swallow, huh?

I’ll tell you why: FEAR. That’s it. Okay, okay. There are other reasons too. Ignorance of what to do and how to do it is big as well. Also, misinformation, old ideas, childish habits and misconceptions, wounds and addictions that my be blocking you from receiving what you desire most in your heart of hearts and accepting what God is asking of you. Its complicated, its unclear, its messy, scary and hard. To many good people, it seems impossible. It shouldn’t be. It’s God’s plan, after all.

That’s why I’ve plunked down my hard-earned cash and my time – in between nursing a baby and wrestling a toddler – to create this website. After yet another wonderful person walked through my door yesterday with the same problems, fears, confusion, hurts and misconceptions that I see in so many Catholics and other seekers I’ve met (who seek me out, actually, on this issue), I have decided I have to write this stuff down. If for nothing else, it can be a go-to resource for those who are searching for good, reliable (Catholic) input on the matter.

I named this site “Grow Up and Marry” after an old pamphlet that a dear friend gave to me along with a bundle of antiquated Catholic literature that my husband and I (and many other nerdy-traditional-Catholic types love to collect). She sent a pic of it to my phone first, and I nearly busted a seam laughing at the title. It sounds like the sort of thing I would say, and probably have said to people on a few occasions.

If the sentiment seems too salty and brash for you – sorry. I hope you stick around and read anyway. I learned a lot of what I have to say from the ol’ salts at the ol’ A&A club (you know the one I mean) and that’s just the why we tend to speak to one another. Hard to light a fire under the backside of a donkey (or someone about die from despair) without a little heat and friction. Also, this stuff can get kind of heavy, and we absolutely CANNOT afford take our selves too seriously. My language about these matters will tend to reflect my past experience – which is not typical “nice” Catholic girl experience. More on that later.

“Grow Up and Marry,” the pamphlet by Frs. Raphael McCarthy S.J. and Daniel A. Lord S.J., is quite good. If you’re looking for it, it was published by The Queen’s Work, St. Louis, MO, 1945. I’ll cover it, and many other resources, as I continue. There’s so much to unpack, so bear with me as I work through these topics. I appreciate your feedback and your questions. This site is for me and for you. Its for fun and for free. At least at the moment. It is my hope and prayer that all who are wrestling with their inner demons may find value in these pages, and grow up in what ever ways they most need to – if not to marry, at least to fly straiter on the path to the ultimate happiness and fulfillment that God has for us, in this life and in the next.