What exactly do we mean by ‘dating’ anyway?
It’s important that we come to terms here. The word ‘dating’ has been used in so many different ways over recent years, it’s easy to get confused about what we’re talking about, and what the rules are.
When I was in the midst of figuring all this stuff out, I knew I needed input from every reliable source I could get it it from. It would be up to me to use my reason and faith as a gage of whether the input was sound enough to be tried. One source I had was my own mother.
Now, trust me—my mom and I don’t often think alike. We are very different people. For one thing, she is an unaffiliated Protestant, and I am a traditional Roman Catholic. She was brought up in a very different time and place: small-town Oklahoma in the 50s-60s, the home of hot-turkey at Woolworth’s and Miss America Pageants; a conservative, Christian, all-American kind of place, where the men were men and the women were women. She also lived and worked as a civilian on a US Navy base in Spain for several years in her early 20s, surrounded on either side by chivalrous officers and macho Spanish men on the prowl.
My mom was cool—she really knew how to handle herself. Now in her 70s, she is still a lovely and attractive lady; the type of lady men open doors for. She always reminded me of ‘Blanche Devereaux,’ the head-turning matron with a southern drawl from the 80’s sitcom, The Golden Girls. She’s high-class.
My mom also had something else going for her that I didn’t at the time: she had done a lot of dating in her day, and had fun doing it. Plus, she ended up marrying one of her many dates, who was quite a catch himself—my dad. Now, how on earth did she do that?
One day, I finally asked her. She smiled. In her coy manner, she thought about it quietly, considering her answer. Then she said:
“You know what I notice about you kids today?”
I knew this was gonna be good.
“You all think that ‘dating’ means you’re in a relationship. Dating doesn’t mean that at all.”
I was intrigued. “It doesn’t?”
“Well, no. Just because you date someone doesn’t mean you’re together. It doesn’t mean you have to be sexual with that person.
Since my conversion to Catholicism, I had figured this much out. But mom was about to blow my mind with this next bit of old-school dating wisdom:
Dating it doesn’t necessarily mean you have to be physically attracted to the person. You may be—but you don’t have to be. Going on a date with someone just means you agree to go out on a date—to go do some activity together. It’s having fun with someone, that’s all.”
This struck me as important. As a Catholic, I already recognized that ‘dating’ as it is sometimes used to infer sexual activity is out of the question. Yet, my mom was pointing out another supposition about dating that I didn’t realize I had until that moment. She went on:
“When I was in college, you needed to have a ‘date’ to go to a party. A young woman wasn’t normally just gonna go to a party by herself. A guy could go ‘stag,’ but that really wasn’t the best thing to do. It was better to bring a date. Actually, some events required you to bring a date. So if a guy asked you to be his ‘date’ for the evening, you went—if you wanted to go to the party. And if you didn’t want to, you didn’t. No hard feelings.”
I liked the sound of it. Dating in her world sounded so natural, innocent—playful. Like a completely normal, social activity you could more or less enjoy with any friendly person who came along. She continued:
“I remember there was this one guy, Steve, who always asked me to go bicycling with him. He had a tandem bike. That’s all we ever did, we went tandem bicycling. Those were our dates. We had a great time. I thought he was cute and he thought I was cute, which made it even more interesting. We talked and had picnic lunches. We never ‘went steady’ we just enjoyed dating. I guess he probably dated other people and so did I. But we really had fun going bicycling together so that’s what we always did. I still remember how much fun that was.”
But mom, isn’t that just “casual dating”? I mean, I shouldn’t waste time, right? I’m in my 30s. I need to hurry up and get married, right?
Well, all dating is casual in the beginning, silly. If you’re ‘going steady,’ that’s another thing. But nobody is going steady until you’ve made the decision to do that—usually after you’ve dated each other for a while. Up until then, its all just friendly and casual. How could it be otherwise? How would you know if you liked someone enough to go steady if you hadn’t dated casually for a while?”
She had a point there.
“Your problem is that you think every time you go out with someone, you automatically OWE them something.”
I instantly looked back on those times I had slept with someone, or held hands, or kissed, out of some bizarre sense of obligation. It wasn’t just me. I knew her observation was likely to be true.
You think a date means you’re supposed to be in a romantic relationship all of a sudden. It doesn’t. You assume going out with someone means you’re supposed to date them exclusively. It’s just NOT true. It doesn’t work that way.”
I thought carefully about what my mom had said. I realized that to some extent, even now, I had been putting too much pressure on myself, and on each individual dating experience. If only things could be they were back in the 60s. Back then, people had fun doing ‘boy-girl’ things together and it was no big deal—and somehow they wound-up married.
But what if it could still work that way? What if dating could be fun and exploratory and not a stomach-turning? What if it were simply a way to socialize with someone of the opposite sex—to enjoy activities together, get to know one another and find out if attraction can grow? What if you could date several people at any given period, and see which one you really prefer being with? What if one simple coffee date with a man decent enough to ask (or with a woman decent enough to say ‘yes’), could lead to another date, and another? What if friendly, casual outings like this could lead to something more? A real attraction and mutual interest strong enough warrant dating exclusively? What if ‘going steady’ actually did lead the way to engagement and marriage? It used to be true, so why not now?
After all, I have a choice about how I conduct myself, and what my moral standards are. As a Catholic, I have to be countercultural in so many ways. I mean, I definitely can’t date the way Elaine did on reruns of Seinfeld: using dinner and a movie as a prelude to a sexual encounter; I’m not looking for a guy who’s ‘spongeworthy.’ No, I have to do it all differently. I have certain rules. Dating is what I decide it is, after all. As a person of conviction, it has to be.
I realized that my mom’s generation understood dating in the best possible sense. I wanted that experience for myself, so I made a decision: I would choose to do dating the ‘old-fashioned’ way. I would hold myself to this new (old) standard of keeping it friendly and casual. While not in an exclusive relationship, I would date as many different people as I could, never obligating myself, never focusing on one situation too much. I would treat each date as a growth experience. Dating would be a way to:
- have fun while doing simple, enjoyable activities with another
- connect with / learn from another person in real time and space
- practice interacting socially with someone of the opposite sex—specifically in that unique, ‘boy-girl’ ritual that dating invokes
- see if any attraction grows (or not) between me and another
- meet as many new people as possible, increasing my sense of freedom, confidence and choice in dating
- find out how I feel being on a date with a specific person
- find out what I really appreciate in a person of the opposite sex through actual experience of dating them—not fantasy or conjecture
- learn to develop authentic boundaries and standards, and say ‘no’ with grace and charity
- change the culture by practicing the best dating behavior possible, thus encouraging others
- grow in an area I really hadn’t developed in myself, and ultimately marry a great person
Thus I started on my path to dating—and doing it differently than how the mainstream culture (and all my previous misgivings) had taught me. I was prepared to changed everything I thought about dating.
Prayerfully and with determination, I began to put together my own workable ‘program’ for dating. I applied it vigorously, as I had done in other areas of my life, using the best, most trustworthy input I could find. I was determined to treat dating as a transformational experience—even as a healing experience. I was determined to learn to date in a manner conducive to my spiritual growth. I recognized that this was a special time in my life where my goals and responsibilities were clear, and getting clearer the more I learned. I remembered that God was in charge: He would be there to show me the way as I went along, forgive me when I messed up, and give me a spiritual ‘nudge’ when needed.
Obviously, my new dating program was workable, and it worked. Thank God—if I hadn’t done all the reading, writing, prayer, reflection, action, practice, risk-taking, learning, waiting, communicating, healing, listening, forgiving, experimenting and surrendering that dating involved for me, these two beautiful daughters of mine would not now exist. It’s a staggering thought.
You must understand—it came very close to not happening with my dear husband. I shudder to think: what if I had not practiced these things prior to meeting him, and while dating him? What if I had fallen back on my old habits and attitudes with him, instead of acting on my best principles, and using my new found skills? What if I didn’t even try—for fear of failing, or fear of success?
While I used many sources of wisdom and input, much of which I will share in these pages, I credit God for the insight and guidance I received along the dating path, as well as the inspiration to go this route. It all worked out by His mercy. I think it can work for you too, if you are willing to see dating in a new light, and act accordingly, putting principles into practice.
Grow Up and Marry! 