Here’s what I see as the core problem for many people who feel, shall we say, reticent to date: people today don’t understand the teleology of dating.
Teleology (for those who are non-nerdy enough to need a reminder), is the explanation of a thing based on its purpose. Let’s use the example of a pencil (fans of Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen’s TV talks from the 1950s may remember this one). A pencil is designed for writing. That is its purpose. It’s very good for writing, and drawing, too. But if you were to use it to try and remove a nail, for example, it would not serve this purpose very well at all. In fact, the pencil would probably break, because it was not designed for that purpose. Then you would have failed to remove the nail, and you longer would have a pencil for writing and drawing. Thus, the teleology of a thing is important. Armed with knowledge of its design and purpose, we stand a much better chance of getting the outcome we want by using it.
What Dating is Not
If you think of dating as a tool, a means to an end, with a certain purpose and design, it becomes much easier to figure out what to do with it. Like I said earlier, my eyes opened when I thought carefully about what mom had said about dating back in the 50s and 60s. Having picked up mistaken notions of what dating is and what it is for, prevented me from dating much—if at all. So, if you’re stuck in a rut with dating, let’s get a few things straight:
Dating is NOT the culmination of your feelings of attraction to someone.
That’s right. Dating is a skill, an important tool, but it is NOT the main event. It’s barely a beginning. Obvious? Maybe. But look at the following scenario…
You notice someone at church or work or something. You develop a crush on them. You fantasize about them. You find out who they are and you ‘friend’ them on Facebook. You check up on what they post, and occasionally you throw a ‘like’ or a ‘comment’ their way. When you finally see them at an actual event, you may even strike up a conversation…And then, suddenly, something wonderful happens…your Fairy-Godmother goes ‘poof,’ and finally, you are DATING! I mean, one minute you were staring at pictures of them on your screen, and now, you’re DATING! This is IT! You are now sitting at a romantic dinner table, with a dozen red roses between you, and you have all this attraction and feeling and intimacy and trust between you…because you’re DATING! And the next thing you know, you’re planning your wedding. Happily ever after, right?
Come on.
I hope you laughed. Did you see yourself in this fantasy scenario at all? There are so many goofy about this, I’m not sure where to begin. But that’s what many, many people have in mind when you mention ‘dating.’
I’ve got news for you: this is what an 11-year-old girl thinks dating is. This is NOT what dating actually is.
Regardless of whether or not you use the internet to make contact with someone (there’s nothing really wrong with that), or whether you even know anyone interesting or attractive enough to date at this point (we’ll deal with that one later), or whether or not a Fairy-Godmother gets involved somewhere along the line (hey, we all need a little help sometimes), this is NOT an accurate picture of dating.
Why are these misconception so important to dispel? Because if you actually believe the above scenario is how you’re going to end up married (many devout Catholics substitute God for the Fairy Godmother), you will probably be stuck fantasizing for a very long time. The fact is, appropriate as they are for children, 11-year-old-girl ideas of dating are just not going to serve you. You are an adult. So if you’re clinging to immature ideas about dating, you need to set them aside.
First, dating does NOT happen automatically, with zero risk or effort on your part.
It always takes some degree of effort and some risk to date. No one can do it for you. You are the one who has to play your part in the dating dance. This can seem hard. No one likes to be rebuffed, or slighted—even by a stranger. But come now. We’re talking about casual, non-exclusive dating here. It’s not the end of the world if you have to experience a moment of awkwardness. You can take it. If you are a man, you have to ask a woman out. If you are a woman, you have to say ‘yes’ to a man who asks you out. This must become your habit and your modus operandi. That’s the only way dating will actually happen, and become a normal, social experience for you. Period.
Since, as we said before dating is NOT the culmination of your feelings for someone, you do not need to be strongly attracted or even at all attracted to someone in order to date them. Nope. You don’t. You can go on a date as a gesture of your willingness to work on yourself, practice your social skills and say ‘yes’ to dating in general–and for many other reasons. In doing so, no matter what, you both will benefit. (More on this later.)
Moreover, as a man, you need not build-up your emotions and feelings into a big ball of pressure in order to finally release them by asking someone out. You will want to act more quickly than that when you notice someone interesting, approaching various women with friendliness and good humor, taking any rejections in stride. Since dating, properly understood, is not the culmination of your feelings, you can easily practice asking different women out on simple, friendly dates, thus increasing your confidence and skill. Obviously, you don’t want to go on this way indefinitely. Getting stuck in a rut of endless casual dating is a problem for some men (and women too). You are ultimately looking for a marriage partner. For now, though, we need you to get INTO dating, and taking action, rather than staying isolated and intimidated, with nothing going on, and no real experiences of dating to go on.
Likewise, as a woman, you must try not to put up an undue ‘wall of defense’ against a man who has shown the courage and courtesy to ask you out. This is not a question about whether or not you can see yourself married to this man. This is coffee. Use common sense and be safe, obviously—but, if you are serious about learning how to date, you need to say ‘yes’ to basically anyone decent enough to ask you at this point. You don’t have to go to a long dinner, you don’t have to let him pick you up, or let him know where you live; you can meet up at coffee shop, or anywhere public, and simply have a chat. Anyone who approaches you in a cordial manner, if they are reasonably normal, deserves 30 minutes of your time. Trust me, you will benefit. Armed with the correct idea of what dating is, you can say ‘yes’ to most dates easily, because you are not promising anything extraordinary by going on a date. You are simply agreeing to meet up in a public place and have a chat. That’s it.
What Dating Really Looks Like
Now, here’s a sketch of the way dating used to work back in the when your grandparents, parents, and perhaps even your older siblings dated (before the culture went completely side-ways)—you know, back when the majority of people were actually married by the time they were 30? I promise, it still can and does work, for those who practice it. It goes something like this:
A man sees a woman somewhere that he finds somewhat attractive. He strikes up a preliminary conversation. If she seems at all affirming, he asks her out to get a bite to eat, or something to drink somewhere. She says yes. This is a date. It doesn’t matter what you want to call it, that’s actually what it is. He doesn’t really know the woman, and she doesn’t know him, yet they are willing to go on ONE date to see what happens. If she’s feeling diffident, she might insist on keeping the date very short—just a coffee, say, knowing she can easily wrap it up after a few minutes. This is more than fair. After all, it’s just an experiment for him too, and she’s giving him a chance.
And that’s what dating essentially is. It’s two people giving each other a chance; a chance to see what happens; a chance to see if any mutual attraction or interest can develop; to see how two people feel on a date with each other. A date is NOT a declaration of your feelings. A date is an experiment.
In order to actually date, I need to become a ‘social-scientist.’ I need to conduct experiments. By asking for dates, and by saying ‘yes’ to dates, I actually broaden my mind and my knowledge of reality. I may think I know what I want in another person, but until I step out and take the risk of real interaction with another human being, in real time and space, in the context of a date, it’s all just fantasy and conjecture.
We all start off with theories about ourselves and others. But until we carry out the necessary experimentation—which is, again, what dating is, we can never really test and refine those theories. Consequently, we may be going around with erroneous notions about ourselves and others that go unchallenged because we haven’t gained enough experience to refine our thinking on these matters. And this kind of ignorance is the symptom I see most often with people who can’t or won’t date, and yet believe they “probably should marry.” No wonder they’re frustrated.
I will talk more about the teleology of dating in later articles. At this point, I want you to set aside any notion of dating that does not involve any risk or effort on your part. There is always risk—that’s part of what makes dating challenging and fun. I also want you to realize this, more than anything else:
Dating is NOT the culmination of your attraction to someone. It is NOT the main event. A date is NOT a declaration of your feelings for someone.
A date is an EXPERIMENT.
Anything you do, say or believe to the contrary is probably misleading you. It has probably kept you from dating, and kept you at square zero on the journey to becoming happily married. So stop it. Set those old ideas aside, and get busy dating. Remember that dating is a way for you to discover the things you need to know about reality in order to get from single to married. This cannot be accomplished in the imagination or in the fantasy world of the internet and text. It is experiential as well as experimental. I’ll provide more practical advice on how to get dates, what to do with them, as well as the progress of dating, in later articles.
Take heart. Armed with this new information, you are now free to ask for and accept dates from practically anyone who is kind, decent, curious and approachable enough to conduct such a social experiment with you. And there are many kind, decent, curious and approachable people in the world. Are you one of them?
Grow Up and Marry! 